One of my best friends from high school who was in choir, speech and soccer with me is a registered nurse now. An extremely talented one I might add. She’s on the night shift for the next five months. It sucks, but I don’t sleep so perfect for hanging out!
We’ve both been busy and I haven’t had much time for stories and I guess I’ve continually left out to her I haven’t had sex in a year and a half. She was shocked to say the least and was worried I had fallen ill by some continue strep throat making me too weak.
I told her about the last time I had sex, my hot mess, waking up naked in his roommate’s bed. One of the many signs I needed to stop going down the path I was on. (Ha! going down pun not intended). I was just really hurt by all these guys and instead of dealing with it I was fucking the problems brains out.
I don’t want to hand out the milk anymore. Because no one seems interested in the cow (yes, I realize I just called myself a cow.) Plus the emotional and trust issues don’t help matters.
I feel like most of my past dating experiences no one wanted to commit, I was a good time. And it did hurt when they left and the next person they were with was worth the label, was the embarrassing and pointless “we’re in a relationship status.” I don’t get any of that anymore and at one point that made me feel really shitty.
So I told my best friend, no…I don’t have sex anymore. I don’t trust anymore and every time I get close to someone they just disappear and I’m tired of adjusting to guys coming in and out of my life. I like being on my own, I’m happy, I’m a hard worker and the last four years of no “‘I’m not in a relationship” on Facebook has helped me figure a lot about myself.
Of course, I still miss having someone around. As much as any of us say how adjusted and happy we are being alone. The opposite is always true. It’s that pull, the back, and forth forces making sure we take a risk now and then.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert