Perfect on Paper


He was the in between of Brad and my nonexistent love life. I met Chris when the weather was finally warming up outside and I was almost done with my undergrad. My friend dragged me to this fundraiser, even though I wanted to just sit in my room and write. She said I needed to get out more, so I brought my writing journal with me to the football party (winning). I’m not a huge fan of football, neither is my friend, but it was a fundraiser for an organization she was working with. As I was saying, I have no interest in football, but I was into the hotdogs, soda (I never drink soda, but Coca-cola and Dr. Pepper is cocaine for me) and I got to sit in a chair and write.

My friend was talking to the heads of the organization and one of their friends mentioned Chris was trying to get published and my friend mentioned I wrote and I always send my stuff out. And I love helping people with stuff like this. It’s a high for me when people ask me to make them a list. Lists vary from: where to send your writing, to coffee houses, to foods one should eat before they die, to speech scripts. So if you want help in one of those areas I’m your gal. If you want a list of the periodic table or all the State capitals…don’t bother asking me.

We started talking about publishing and he had no idea about anything. He was another guy who enjoyed writing as a hobby (maybe not even a hobby, something to fiddle with) but wasn’t about to quit his day job. It’s sweet when I meet guys who enjoy writing as a little fun activity, but it’s hard to connect and talk about writing on a higher level. It’s like trying to have a deep conversation with someone who says they read but you find out when they “read” they mean magazines and you’re like, “yeah, ok you read, but we read different things.” Still he was a cute guy.

I didn’t really think that giving him my email meant anything more than just helping him out with journals:

Again I should point out that I can be so oblivious to the dating world. It’s a miracle I’ve ever been in a relationship, had sex or even kissed someone with my lack of observation.

After we met up for coffee the first time I did kind of figured he liked me.. I had been there all morning writing and he stopped by for two hours before he took off for a camping trips with his friends. He had a nice smile and was very dorky. I remember he seemed to have no control over his hands. He would hit the table top loudly (he must have been nervous) and it was very distracting to me. I notice weird shit like that.

But Chris was really everything I was looking for: Sweet, cute, good-looking (not that I look for that) and I suppose when I mean good-looking, I mean I was attracted to him. It’s weird but sometimes I’m sitting down next to someone (I’ve felt this with two people, Chris and my friend I almost dated) It’s not a spark but it’s comfort having their leg so close to mine. Chris also had a great job, he was a few years older than me. He was an engineer and I grew up around a lot of engineers so I was like “ok, I can work with that.” He was a hard worker and goofy at the same time. He was perfect on paper I would tell my friend Tina.

On our third date, we went out dinner and it was lovely. He came over to my place and he hung out and met Tina, Valerie, and my brother who was living there at the time. But as he was leaving we didn’t kiss and we just sided hug. A bit of both our doing. He seemed like a very respectable man, which is great and everything, I need more nice gentlemen in my life. But sometimes a lady likes a man to take charge. Ok, I always like to be dominated. I liked to flung around. I don’t get flung anymore.

Chris and I never kissed and I’m sure it would have been a disaster because just hugging him fell so flat.

Also, I’m guilty of disliking the fact that he didn’t have nice hair or let me rephrase that. He didn’t know how to take care of his hair. That poor hair. And he didn’t know how to wear suits. (When you do speech and debate this is important and something you notice). Those poor suits.

It’s important to note that when he would text me, call or ask to hang out that night I got kind of annoyed and I realized this would never work out because I would rather be writing poetry and hanging out with my roommates than go out to dinner with him. Someone should make you want to put down your work for a few hours to be naked with.

One night I went out to drinks to celebrate my first chapbook draft getting done and he tagged along and I forgot why but he said “ghetto.” Look, I really don’t care. I mean do I like the phrase ghetto? No, I think it’s not only just shitty classist thing to say but it shows a lack of vocabulary. But really I don’t care, I don’t love it but I’m not going to stop dating someone because they make a few mistakes.

Did my friend/roommate Valerie like it? Oh hell no, she hated it. Valerie has a self-righteous quality about herself. She likes to “set everyone” straight, yet never sees her own flaws, acts like she does but she really doesn’t. She’s a racial and she forgets just because you’re liberal doesn’t mean you can’t be a racial who judges others too much. There have been plenty times she said negative things about guys I liked and it’s funny because they guys she didn’t think were worth my time were the nicest guys I have ever met. And the ones she liked, the ones she said “were hot” ended up being the biggest assholes. **One of the many reasons I don’t speak to her anymore. Because she was controlling not only with me but her other friends and who they liked. Tina put it best, “she doesn’t want you dating anybody because then you guys wouldn’t hang out as much.”

A mixture of bad chemistry, Valerie and hair really made this “perfect on paper” guy end. But he put the final nail in the coffin. After he texted me, “what he could do different or for in the future what he could work on.” I said, “your text is a perfect example. Don’t ask what you could work on for a future relationship.”


Easter Sunday Sex (He has Risen! Wait, give it a minute! Ok, now we’re good!)



A month after Chance stopped talking to me I was still pretty bummed out. Seeing Chance with this new girl, who he hooked-up this over spring break didn’t help matters. It was Easter weekend and all my roommates went home to visit. But I didn’t go home (far away). Same with Tina and my other friend. We decided to go out drinking. I decided to Facebook my roommates friend Joel. I kind of knew Joel. I wasn’t ever planning on hooking up with him. I just knew he wasn’t going to visit home until the morning on Easter Sunday. He was working so he had to stay until the day of, so I thought it would be nice to see if he wanted drinks.

Background Story:

For those that haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a BIG OLD FLIRT! I’m very comfortable talking about sex and I enjoy talking about sex.

During a late birthday party downtown, I got really drunk. We were dancing at a bar and then next thing my friend Tina knew I was gone. I guess I walked to the bar next door to chat with my roommates who I knew were drinking there. Joel and two other guys were there and I was being chatty with them. Tina found me talking with them all, about all the kinky stuff I liked, tying me up, anal, handcuffs, the list goes on and on. You name it, I said it.


Then Tina came over and found me. Then Tina and I made out and then we said “see you guys later” and walked away.

Tina wasn’t as drunk and she remembers after we made out and walked away she had never seen so many guys just sit in amazement with their mouths open. I remember Tina saying, “It was like a cartoon.”


Another night: I was upset about Chance and I was playing a drinking game at my house (roommates had a party) I had to remove a piece of clothing. So I took off my white undershirt. I was wearing a white lace top and you could see my bra. This other guy (who I would hook-up with was like, “I can see your bra.” Oh, that guy….ugh Mess!


1AM (Easter Sunday) 

It’s all a blur how Joel and I ended up hooking up.

I think I was texting him.

OH! I remember I was in my room with Tina and I was crying (a little drunk) over Chance. I was still very upset. Tina had left at this point and I had unlocked the back door. Joel came up to my room and we had sex. Well, it was a bit of a struggle. There was a lot of drinking that night and well you know where I’m going and ejection issues. But we finally had sex. It was anything magical.

But Joel was sweet. We laid together for a bit. Then he had to leave because he needed to get ready for the long drive home for Easter Sunday. I remember he kissed me, covered me with blankets and was sweet.

The next day I would find a bite mark on the back of my leg and I knew God was trying to tell me, “Really? Sex on Easter? You have all the other days”. Well, Maybe Christmas would be weird too.

There would be a series of issues to why we never ended up dating. Though we both wanted to. The timing was never right.

  • I got nervous and slept with his friend (post to come) this bugged him (some stupid bro code)
  • He was still hung up on my roommate (he had a crush on her for years, she had been stringing him on for years)
  • He was struggling in school
  • I was struggling in trusting someone

We almost had everything worked out  and we had planned on trying to date. But then it just all fell apart. I was really disappointed. I remember that night I was crying in the shower and I just kind of collapsed with the water still on. I was losing all hope and still dealing with a lot of past pain. I would hook-up with my Fuck Buddy that night. That was the night I ended up in the wrong bed.

The Poet of Too Many Words


Max is an overall sexy, smart and tall guy. I’m sure we would have wonderful kinky sex, but he’s in Asia for the Peace Corps. One of the few poets I’ve met that I’ve wanted to see naked and let him tie me up.

We met on one of my speech teams. I was in a relationship and learned from my Ex that Max had always had a huge crush on me.

During the first little break between my Ex who cheated on me, my Ex and I had become friends/fuck buddies. My Ex decided to host a huge speech and debate party, which equaled out to every speech team in our state. It was a pretty big fucking party and I drank a lot and danced with Max, like I might as well have sex with Max. We were basically having sex. Then outside we talked, I’m sure I cried. I saw my Ex with this girl he was seeing. Then Max and I kissed walking back to the house.

I think he was leaving at that point. But I don’t remember.

Later passed out with my Ex and we had sex. I didn’t enjoy it. It felt dirty and wrong.

Then I went across the country and so did he. We were never in town at the same time after that. I think I had drinks with him a few times after that, but I never had a chance to see him before he left for Asia.

He never really had the guts to tell me he liked me and I’m sure if he had been vocal and I hadn’t be trailing after my Ex we would have dated a bit.

But then again as sweet, funny and smart Max was I know for sure I could never have been in serious relationship with or even think of a long term thing, because he just took language too far. But in a funny way.

You really have to know Max to understand and actually I just had drinks with an old friend and I brought up Max and his big words. He reminds me of like Ross from Friends. Or better yet, Max is a sopciro for the horoscope. So there. ha!

Max is a linguistics, a very smart guy, but sometimes it’s like he’s jacking off to his words. Trying too hard almost. Not in a cocky way like a few other friends who are cocky as fuck about showing off they seem higher on the educational ladder. (These are the younger boys in college)

But sometimes it’s nice just to ask, “How was your morning?” Instead of, “how does the sun shine on your end of the world?” Or he would always ask “where are you spitting at these days?” How about you just ask me, “You been performing slam?”

Max, you’re so hot, sexy, funny, sweet and smart, but I need to be with someone who can tell me they want me and also, I can have a everyday conversation with.