“We’re all searching for something to fill up what I like to call that big, God-shaped hole in our souls. Some people use alcohol, or sex, or their children, or food, or money, or music, or heroin. A lot of people even use the concept of God itself. I could go on and on. I used to know a girl who used shoes. She had over two-hundred pairs. But it’s all the same thing, really. People, for some stupid reason, think they can escape their sorrows.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole
Today I feel lonely and it comes and goes through a month. Mostly it’s when I have all these places I want to visit and no one to go with. When I desire a workout buddy, or just someone to sit and read with, to discuss a book or a film I’ve just seen.
Feeling lonely like this makes me miss my old home back in the midwest. It was easy to go out. I had a good 30 or more people I could contact or meet up with at the drop of the hatch. Or I could just go to the coffee house and run into someone there and make plans. I don’t know if spending time out there was easier because I was closer to all these people, if it’s because in a more rural town there’s less to do or if people just didn’t make solid plans as often. Whatever the reason it seems everyone is so booked up each weekend or weekday.
Sometimes I feel perfectly at home here, extremely happy I’ve found a place and some days I feel a misplaced tile in the whole mosaic of order out here. In a lot of ways I love home, but I feel out of place here much of the time. I don’t feel needed and without purpose I’m not sure what there is here to grow from.
Then again, maybe it’s me. I’ve grown out of touch with old friends, my hobbies and viewpoints are different and the majority of my friends out here do have a significant other. They have clear-cut plans and life events happening for them. I guess you could coin many of friends out here as “settling down.” Maybe I don’t reach out enough to my friends, tell them what I’m feeling and I rarely talk about my feelings. I use to, but lately I feel so closed off.
Again it comes down to feeling out of place here and I’m not sure what to do. I can only hope I will find (using the most cliche phrase) where I belong.