The Dick

The Dick 

I went out with two of my friends one night and all three of us were horny and in a crazy ass mood: Recipe for crazy shit is about to happen. My friend Alexis saw this really hot guy down at the other end of the bar (mind you he had two other friends) and she noticed within 15 minutes they had moved all the way down to where we were sitting. So Alexis dragged me down to buy them drinks.

Fireball shots, ugh.

Then we meet a man named, HorseShoe. He was a townie and he had brain matter coming out of his skull (Halloween costume) it was the week after Halloween, but a good chunk of people were celebrating it that Saturday. Then Horseshoe told us and the three guys he has two belly buttons. And that’s how I met The Dick. (His blog name rhythms with his real name). And I don’t care if anyone figures out his real name.

He knew about my blog and we would joke that if he pissed me off I would call him The Dick. Actually the last time I ever saw him he turned around and said, “are you going to call me The Dick in your blog?”


We had a few drinks with them at the bar and they invited us over to ones of their houses to drink and play more games. We said, “hell yeah!” As we were driving my other friend Valerie made one rule “we all have to leave together. So no disappearing to have sex. I’m really only talking to you!” And see glared at me.

“Fine, no sex. I’ll make sure I come home with you guys.”

We went over to their friend Marvins house. Yeah, silly name but his real name was at the same silly level as Marvin. We had drinks, we played Cards against Humanity. Dick was charming, funny and a wonderful dresser. He knew how to wear clothes. This is a rare find. He was my age, just out of school and working for the government. He was very charming. (Though my bitchy friend (Max) said he had a “butter face” but looks only go so far for me, so I didn’t care what my friend said, he was charming and what I was looking for. He was very sweet and caring to me. He had wanted to major in journalism in school but ended up switching out to something else. And when mention to someone that you write, who also enjoys writing it becomes a big turn on. Don’t ask me why, but it’s become a pick-up line almost. Or when I was on tour for poetry I would get hit on so much.

At a certain point during the night, as Marvin’s his other friend had informed us he had this cool stuff to look at. Everyone went downstairs, but Dick and I and before I knew it I was on top of him making out. And very quickly had to act like we weren’t kissing because my friend Valerie ran up screaming because Marvin has this huge picture of the city we live. We saw it at an art show and were like, “OMG we want it!” But it’s too expensive. Marvin bought the fucking thing! We were shocked!


Within a week, The Dick and I were talking on the phone and planned to go out for drinks. Which never happened because he canceled last minute and within hours of canceling text me that he was “seeing someone.” When I (or most people) read “seeing someone” you take it that they must be dating around, playing the field, etc. I’ve used “seeing someone” in that very context. I told him I was fine with this and made it clear what I thought “seeing someone” means. He felt really bad for bailing on me so he took me out to a really nice dinner, coffee and we watched movies at my place afterward.

He was really wonderful when we spent time together those few weeks. Our humor bounced off each other well, he was a smart guy and we had really great chemistry.


On Black Out Wednesday, my friends and I went out to a local bar that starts with a J. Locals tend to gather here (he was a local) which lead to this bar or this particular night. A bunch of my friends were out with us as well. I met a bunch of his friends that night as well.

I was standing near with my friend Valerie enjoying my drink and chatting. Next I heard a buddy of his said, “where’s your girlfriend dude?”

I should have put the pieces together. Connected the dots when he stayed over at my place and then would stop over at his friends house. Should have listened closer when he said, “seeing someone.”

**You would think after being cheated on twice I would see the red flags more quickly.

He came over to my house that night and we had a very long talk. Yes, he had a girlfriend. Yes, he understands “seeing someone” is misleading. Yes, he really liked spending time with me and thought I was amazing.

Yes, he’s done this before. In college, he had made out with two other girls but with me was the farthest he’d taken things with something (I mean we were practically dating). Yes, he almost thought about breaking it off with her and yes a part of me wanted him to.

But I made this a lot easier, I told him we couldn’t even be friends anymore. And that he should tell her what happened because you can’t keep lies like that to someone you love and lies like those have a way of getting out in the end. He started crying because he said he loved her and didn’t mean for this, he didn’t want to tell her. He said he wasn’t going to go out anymore.

I’m sure he apologized for all this, but I don’t remember that. I do remember being very honest with him. Which is something I’ve lacked in past dating experiences, so I was very blunt with him that he hurt me and he’s hurting someone else and I’ve been on the other side of cheating and it’s even worse. And that if he loves her he should tell her the truth. I told him I never wanted to see him again because I liked him too much and couldn’t torture myself like that.

He left his jacket in my room and called me 10 minutes after he had just left my house. I put the jacket on the porch and before he made it up to my porch I went back to my room and cried. I slept most of the day.

Later that day (after some very quick googling) I found his wedding registry. 2016 or 2015 was when they planned to get married. It makes me wonder if anything he said to me was true. Or exactly what was true.

I avoided this bar ( the J bar was always at when I was seeing him) for months and another part of me wanted to show up at the bar. To see if he really hadn’t gone out anymore. Also, to walk around looking good. A reminder that I’m worth something more. (I never saw him there).


This past December I went back to that bar, a year later and he wasn’t there. I haven’t seen since that morning he left my house.

I don’t think I was that upset it didn’t work out between us. I think I cried more about the fact that he went back to her because he loved her. It made me think about my Ex when he cheated on me. He didn’t come back to me, he fell in love and started a new relationship without even telling me.  He didn’t come back to me and he left me before I knew I was left.

“I did not know him, I knew my idea
of him.” ― Sharon Olds

Rollin’ Off My Bed


The night my friend (and future roommate) broke up with her girlfriend we had all planned on going out downtown for the night of dancing and drinking. My friend came over upset and curled up in my bed. I was putting on make-up, my hair was looking nice for once and I had on this very cute but very casual  outfit. Which, if you’re a woman is the grand prize of going out. The “hot outfit, but I look like I did nothing.” She decided not to go out with me and my friend Tina.

Bad idea #1: Not having my friend there to watch Tina and I. Not only did Tina and I not drive downtown (got rides with current roommates) but we were drinking and dancing like sex beasts.

At one of my favorite Midwestern bars (which is sadly closed down) Tina and I were on the dance floor when this cute, tall guy kind of came up to me and seemed to want to dance, but little old awkward me danced the other way. This prompted Tina of course to tell me, “dude he likes you.”

“Wait, he wants to dance with me?”

“Yes.” And as Tina says yes to me she simultaneously pushed me at him.

I literally fall into his arms. Thank God he caught me. 10 songs later, 6 pretty heavy make out session on the dance floor later and ending up on a college twitter make out page he asks if I want to go back to his place. I say, “yeah.” Trying not think about the fact that it’s my last day of my period. So in my head I’m like “fuck, FUCK, FUCK!”

I’m not about to have sex on my period, but something inside of me also said not to lose out on this guy. (Stupid) Plus trying to explain drunk at a bar, “I’M MENSTRUATING” is not an attractive conversation. So I say fuck it, I’ll figure it out.

Before we leave the bar he buys a few drinks and my roommates come up and hug me. I’m confused to why they are laughing (I a later they knew him.) Tina checks on me and I find out she’s hooking up with an international guy from Africa.

As I’m standing at the bar with this attractive, tall guy I realize I don’t know his name. He slides his debit card on the bar, I lean over and see the name, Chance. I sneaker a bit, drunk me thinking how fucking clever I must be. Not.

At his place, I walk into a typical college guys house. Maybe four or so guys live there. There must have been a party going on before hand but now it was quite. Walking up the stairs into his bedroom we kiss, we undress a bit and I lay out next to him, on top of him, tangled in him. His room was covered in car posters, AC/DC and running posters.

He asks me, “wait, what’s your name?” We laugh and I tell him. I get a double check on Chance. This rolls into the fact that we both like running, I played soccer, I ride dirt bikes. Which is always my secret hot thing about myself.

I never knew this as a young kid the fact I ride motorcycles would get me laid. Motorcycles upstairs this, “badass” quality to it. Unlike how I eat or try to walk down a flight of stairs. It turned from a hook-up into talking and “wait, you like ______? OMG! Me too!” I was so excited

The last time, I was that excited was when I was dating Peeta. Chance made me excited to be on top of him. He was cute, sexy and goofy too. He also had this quality in his voice talking to me and this look in his eyes that said, “Wow, how lucky I am I found you.”

We spent the whole night talking, maybe slept an hour or two. The next day after a rainy night his car got humorously stuck in the mud and he had to bother his roommates car to drop me off.

I walked into my house so excited for this new guy. I walked up stairs and as I open my door to my bedroom I see my friend in my bed and then I see another head in my bed. My guy friend and her guy friend, but I guess more than a friend now. So I grabbed a towel and took a shower. Came back they were dressing and he took off. I laughed at her and she was like, “where is Tina!?” I was like, “oh thanks about worrying where I’ve been all night!”

“Oh, you can handle yourself!”

The next night (my period was over) I went over to his place and we had sex.

I don’t remember the sex being earth shattering. It wasn’t raining outside his window on this night and I only remember little pieces of his body and mine together.

I think when someone really disappoints you and breaks your heart, your mind really starts to actively get rid of happy memories. Like when you throw away old photos. So I don’t remember much of the happy times with Chance. I never wanted to and in my other blog, I was much mean about Chance. He was an asshole, he’s still an asshole, like much of my dating pool. But I’ve been foolish to act like all these guys didn’t give me something. They did make me smile at one point.

Also, it’s a bit too painful to remember the good parts. It makes me miss things. Not the person, but the feelings. Good memories make me miss love, then I miss relationships and then being single gets that much harder.

And I don’t need those feelings attacking me every day. So it’s easier to not remember.

But for a moment I will say: He was a nice guy when we dated. We had sex two-three times a day for three months. Oh, believe me this is no joke. We had a lot of sex and it only got better and kinkier over the three months. We watched Tv shows together and we ate pizza in bed, which is every girl dreams (to eat in bed)

But after three months, I wanted more. I wanted to know I was his girlfriend. Chance was leaving for a week for spring break. I stayed the night at his house. We didn’t have sex, there was a distance I didn’t want to talk about and a lingering conversation I didn’t want remember. I dropped him off for his trip. We kissed and he said, “see you in a week.”

Pulling up to my house the song, “Daylight” by Maroon 5 came on and I knew that was the last night I would spend with Chance and I didn’t cry.

How cheesy do I sound?

That goodbye was the last time we ever spoke. The last time I would really see him. Of course, I saw him at parties and downtown, but that would be it. We would cross paths at parties like we had never met.

So now that he’s an asshole I’m going to tell the most embarrassing story about him. The title of this post will all make sense now.

One night after going out Chance had a little bit too much to drink. Besides casting himself into the cast of How I Met Your Mother, he was Lily and I was Marshall. (Mess) He was pregnant (like how Lily becomes) and he told me not to tell anyone because the producers don’t want anyone to find out about this story line yet. (Mess)

Next, we tried (tried is key here) to have sex. It was going pretty well, but the mistake was made in changing sex positions. Doggy Style must have been a bit too much combination for Chance drunk because he fell off my bed and rammed into my desk, well more like bounced off my desk. I never knew one could bounce off a desk.



He was the guy I fell into at a bar and he caught me.

Now he’s just the guy who fell off my bed.

I was just his rebound from a serious relationship and it hurt how he would end things (actually he never really did) He just stopped talking to me and acted like he didn’t know me.

As much as it hurt and made upset how he left things, I’m grateful it didn’t work out, because who wants to be with someone that can easily forget about all the sex, all the I want you in my life talks. Who wants to be with a guy that will pretend he doesn’t know you when it’s all over.

Like What You See?


My friend and I were Skyping today and she started to go on about when I was over at her place I rearranged all the mugs by color and size. So we started a list of weird shit you have to get use to if you want to spend time with me:

  1. My eating habits-This includes how much, how I eat and what I eat. Like for example I really like eating savory foods like chicken and pasta with cakes, cookies, and chocolates. I get food in my hair, on my clothes like its a part time job. I use to do this more, but I’ve grown up a bit, but I use to peel off the cheese on my pizza, wipe off some of the sauce and then put the cheese back on. I LOVE ranch dressing. I have a slight addiction on Coca-Cola. 
  2. I can never remember the difference between endearing and enduring and I always use them wrong.
  3. Shit I LOSE ALL the time- my car keys, my hair brush, my sandals, my make-up, my cell phone chargers, my headphones, my wallet in my room and my library card.
  4. One of the two things happens when I’m attracted to someone- I’m either really shy and quiet or I’m really anxieties and stressed out and try not to shake. This anxiety feeling also leads to being very fucking chatty.  
  5. I’m either messy or super clean freak. I like my bathroom super clean and my kitchen and living room. my room is a mess most the time and my car.
  6. I get anxiety-Grocery shopping, talking to strangers, ordering fast food inside and not through the drive-thru, when people are being rude to waiters, when people use derogatory language, trying to hit on a guy, dressing myself, being late, being too early,
  7. I’m a night owl.
  8. Low Key, beards are my fetish.
  9. I enjoy eating mustard by itself.
  10. I have an addiction to hand lotion.
  11. I cannot keep my nails looking nice. The nail polish always chips off easy and my nails are always breaking.
  12. I hate picking places to eat, what movie to watch, where to drink or any big decision. I get very stressed.
  13. I hate the sound of a wet rag. Ugh! Someone biting into it is killer gross.
  14. I HAVE to run my fan when I sleep.
  15. I cannot cook: It’s something I make sure men are aware of, because if they want a gal in their life that loves to cook, cool. Not me. I have no patience for food.
  16. I am the most unorganized person, unless its writing or speech.
  17. I like to re-watch movies over and over and over. One time during summer vacation my mom made me switch from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings, because she couldn’t take me watching it for the 15th time. Oh, she was keeping count.
  18. I can’t snap my finger like everyone else can. I snap using my pinky fingers and my ring fingers.
  19. I hate my birthday or holidays. Too many ex’s have broken up with me during the holidays.
  20. I don’t like the attention on me, unless I’m drunk and I slap the floor and drops it as low as the floor will allow. (Drunk me loves attention)
  21. I tell random stories
  22. I order at drive-thru in a weird way-I’ve been known to have a set conversation-A coke to drink (Always ending it with to drink) And ending the whole ordering process with (that will be all)
  23. I don’t when to stop talking and I spend a great deal of anxiety questioning if I should stop talking.
  24. I’m a bit a “craver” when it comes to food, Which means I crave certain things at random. I’ll eat a lot of it and then like movies I’ll get enough and move on to something else.I like to eat just a bowl of cheese.
  25. I like to eat just a bowl of cheese.