The biggest Jerk Hook up


The first time Joel and I almost dated, I met Ben and I should have noticed the obvious creepy ass signs from this guy, but I was a pretty much an internal emotion wreck from Chance just vanishing, plus Joel’s lack of communication about his feelings and my emotional baggage from the ex that had cheated on me was springing back open. So I would have fucked anything decent enough and had a solid pair of hands. He was the one that creepy guy mentioned when at a party where I wasn’t wearing a top at my roommates party. I was wearing a top, but I took my undershirt and only had my lace top on, so you could see my bra but in a way that screams, “this would be sexier if I wasn’t at a kegger for Easter.”

Since I was going through a fear of someone walking away phase (still kind of have this issue) I wasn’t in the best place. And Ben started texting me out of the blue, to the point he wanted me to come over my night. I was between wanting to (sad, emotional mess me) and really not wanting this (smart me). I decided to go, against my better judgement. I think the big deciding factor was that Ben was good friends with Chance, actually he lived next door to Chance. It was my little “HA! Take that Chance!” Stupid.

I went over to Ben’s. I don’t think his roommates were home, actually I think they were both out of town. He was watching The Simpsons (classy…not) and I’m sure he was mostly naked. I think he had to steal a condom from his roommate (dumbass).

Mind you this guy was a year or two older than me. (he was like 27). Mind you he was done with school and working full time.

All I remember is how uncomfortable I was. Not because I lacked trust, or I was emotional going through all this past stuff but because he made me feel uncomfortable. The way his mouth was open, the way his eyes looked at me. Again I hooked up with a guy who saw me as a slab of meat.

Also, I broke my rule about hooking up and not staying the night (I stayed the night). It was one of the worst night stays too. I stayed as far away as I could. Which wasn’t very far for a double, which was basically up against the wall with my back facing him. The next day I woke up, told him I didn’t want any of our friends to know we hooked-up and he agreed by stating “good, because I’m trying to get back together with my ex girlfriends anyways and I think it may happen soon.”

I went out to the bars after my already drunk roommate begged me to go to Wing Wednesday. Which is cheap chicken wings and $2 pitchers, which also became the night I saw four guys I had slept with. (Mitt, Chance, Joel and Ben) Which prompted me to think of this song:

I was avoiding Mitt and Chance. I wanted to hit on Joel, which was a serious of dirty text messages between us. And then Ben being passive and asking me why I was hitting on Joel. In my head, I thought, “umm we just hooked up.”

Ben continued to bug me through texting and Facebook messenger. I continued to ignore him and pursue Joel. Which caused the first time Joel and I tried to get together, but it came crashing down because Ben decided to tell Joel he had hooked up with me! I guess this bothered Joel and on some level I understood this, but on another level I was like, “dude we barely hooked up and just because you’re friends with him you don’t want to date me?”

Then I found out Ben was getting together with his ex and I was fucking pissed because he ruined my chances with the guy I wanted to hook up with and he got to go back fucking his girlfriend and he was very cautious about anyone saying anything. For example, I found out through my roommates that Ben asked Joel and my roommates not to invite me to a party because he feared I would say something to his girlfriend. Which prompted my email to him: It went along the lines of how we just had sex and I was a grown ass woman and wasn’t and didn’t give a flying fuck to start any shit. Also, I added how inappropriate it was he thought it was ok to tell my friends I was not welcomed to a party, at a house he didn’t even live in. 

So I deleted him of Facebook because he still wouldn’t stop messaging me. He still tried to message me so I blocked that him.

A year later I went through my phase “oh I don’t need to block all these ex’s. And Ben even sent me a friend request. Since another one of my ex’s and I were on better terms I thought why not, sure we can manage to be friends on a social networking site. Then I noticed a month later after HE SENT the friend request!! I want to make this clear, HE SENT the friend request, he deleted me!

So I blocked him once and for all and that was the end of it. Fuck, he was such a creepy, off, jerky, asshole.

Buh-bye Ben




It’s a Start

As I’ve stated, this blog is a fresh start. Since my old blog (the one I lost passwords on top of passwords to) is at a lost.

The last few days  haven’t been sure of what I should post. Should I talk about why I started blogging in the first place? Maybe list of facts about myself? Just start in the middle of things?

**I’ve decided to write about the beginning of things: The first butterflies, first broken hearts and the first time I felt everything in my life had been going according to plan. A perfect story book.

I was so naive.

Note: All names have been changed. 

BEN (First butterflies in my stomach)

I’m not sure when I first met Ben, but during  3rd grade a cute skinny stick boy walked in front of me. Pale skin, with glasses bigger than his face. Ben was sweet, funny; think Gilmore Girls character, “Dean” meets 3rd grader Ben. His smile gave me butterflies. It felt right, like so many of my favorite movies talked about. The smile a young maiden would give. I imaged my smile was the same. So, I was crushed when I found out he was moving elementary schools. (The school was a mile away) We wrote letters, called each other on our home phones. We were young and feeling the deepest emotions a child could feel. It seems so silly now as an adult, but in the moments of my childhood I wasn’t. I felt butterflies and only that mattered.


Phone calls…

You know I don’t get many phone calls from guys at my age now. No late night talks, no conversations flying by. I suppose when you’re an adult and sex is in the mixing bowl, the phone calls go out the window and right into the trash can.


As I was saying, Ben and I would call each other. We sent postcards from the far away places we traveled to with family. Then at one-point everything just stopped. I don’t if it was me who stopped calling him or he stopped writing me. I found other boys to crush on, like Brandon. Oh, there was no chance in hell with Brandon, but I was dreamer.

In 6th grade, Brandon was the cool boy with perfect flipped up hair and skater jeans. I was an awkward tomboy, who hated any type of clothing that would restrict my body movement during recess soccer. Embarrassingly enough, I fell into Brandon’s lap one time waiting in line after recess. A snotty little nose girl named Jenny Bri pushed me and bam! Magic. It was a heat! A sensation all in one. Ahh, “the sexual encounters of a 6th grader” Yep, I was living the dream back then

It wouldn’t be until junior high when I would run into Ben again. My friends, remembering how much he meant to me squealed in glee when they found out we were both going to the same junior high school. He ended up being in my 8th grade Drama class. He had gained a considerable amount of weight, but still wore too big, almost Harry Potter looking glasses. Ben was still sweet, funny and always smiling. After a few awkward conversations, smiles and nods we never spoke again. The butterflies were no longer there. We went to different high schools. He joined the basketball team, thinned down to stick boy again and I joined Speech and Debate; gained some much-lacking confidence in myself. We never spoke again and after high school I never saw him again.

We never spoke again and after high school I never saw him again.

**Sometimes I wonder how he’s doing.

Ben was the beginning of how I thought each boy should treat me: sweet and kind. He was also the top of the hill; my downwards tumble into the wrong kind of man.