For those that read about my Monday (rainy day) I’m happy to report my Tuesday was much better.

I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. I think she’s on the edge. She was literally skin and bones and she was a bit out of it. But it was a nice visit. She didn’t yell or complain and she just sat and told stories. Must of the family gets mean, upset grandmother but when its just my brother and I in the room she’s very sweet and loves to tell us stories. I was  relieved to realize I think a lot of my pain and frustration was the need to say goodbye. I really hate death, I avoid it at all cost. Now let me reframe that. I’m not scared of death in the sense of, a fear of dying. I just hate funerals, I hate seeing someone in pain, especially the funerals. I’ve faked sick to miss a memorial or two. I Just hate sitting in a church crying over a picture. I never want that if I die. I would hate the idea that people gather around in a church to cry over me. I would much rather them go outside and enjoy the day and tell stories. But I’m really glad I went to see my grandmother and I got to tell her I love her. I needed that and I know I made her day a little bit better so that helps too.

Afterward, I had a nice lunch with my mom and little brother and then headed over to work. I was lucky and got off work an hour early and decided to stop by this cute little bookstore. I always see it on my drive home and my boss goes there often to buy books for work and for her own kids. This little old lady runs the store and she barely speaks English, but I swear she must be a wizard.

I walked into the bookstore and I guess on Tuesday and Thursday she wraps up used books throughout the shop and dares customers to buy them without knowing what they are. I do remember my bosses kids mentioning this to me. I walked in and I said hello to the little old lady and walked around.

One moment I was looking at used poetry books and the next thing I know I was scared but the old lady, who is a foot shorter than me. She was holding a large wrapped book and she kept repeating, “you could use this book.” I tried to ask why? And she said, “you could us this.” She even dropped te price for me.

I had no idea what the book was, but it was heavy and big. (So many dirty jokes went through my mind during the car drive home). I didn’t get to open till a bit later, but finally got around to unwrapping it and I was shocked!

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Blankets by Craig Thompson

I wasn’t entirely sure if this was the book I had heard of a few times by someone who loves it, but I figured out the next day and I kind of sat in awe for 15 minutes and then started to wonder if this was a real bookstore or if she was magic. It was really weird, shocking and wonderful in one giant feeling.

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I consumed this book pretty damn fast and each moment was really wonderful. I haven’t felt like that reading in a long time. I was so happy after reading Blankets. I know it’s a bit sad and thought provoking, but everything in the story felt so sincere and heartwarming and I don’t feel that enough in my daily routine. It was refreshing to read about young love and questioning faith. I wish I had better words to describe this book and I feel guilty not having the words, because I should being a hopeful writer but the book should take it as a compliment that I’m spending time talking about it. I only talk about books I love, so their book.

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So if you still need to know, Tuesday was a gift. I’m so grateful.

Branching out

I woke up around 4am today from a terrible dream. Actually I woke up crying so it was really more like a nightmare than just a bad dream.

I was in this dark building and my Ex who cheated  and Marcus Ex was there and I couldn’t move and I realized I was strapped down, like some Frankenstein movie straps shit. And they were torturing me and telling my no one is going to love me or ever want to be with me.

Then I woke up and I was crying.

It was a really terrible night.

So I didn’t get much sleep but in the morning, I decided to do some reading. I just checked out two new books, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and rereading Flowers for Algernon because the last time I read it I was in 5th grade and I’m teaching to my students. It’s a really wonderful little books and it’s one of the few books I remember really enjoying at that age. I have the book sitting on my desk and I’m on hold with my pharmacy trying to refill my prescription and I decided to flip through the book and I stumble upon this little dried up purple flower. I’m a bit shocked to this. Then I realize the page its on. It really made my day after my nightmare.


It was like a nice little “keep some hope” message.

I had drinks with my friends last night. It was really nice. I actually did a few shots, which I haven’t done for months. So it was a bit of a half drunk night too. But my best friend and I were talking about her wedding. I always enjoy these conversations, there is always some funny story to hear or one of the other bridesmaids acting a fool. It’s interesting to watch my best friend too, because I don’t know I thought she would be living the kind of life I’m living and I would have her life. So it’s weird to see everything flipped.

*I always thought I would be the one getting married first (I did everything else before my friends) I also thought I would have the 9-5 job. But here we are living completely different lives than we planned.

But I asked my best friend if she ever thought of waxing and she got all excited and mentioned how she wanted to wax her legs and armpits before her wedding!

This is exciting news for me because I’ve been thinking for months now about waxing. Probably my legs and I’m really interested in getting a Brazilian (not a full bare ass wax. I have a nice little strip or something) . My one friend raves about how great it feels and I’m really tempted to try it out. maybe it will be the extra little push I need to get off the wall and back into the bedroom. My friend also wants to go underwear shopping, exciting. So here’s my little push back into kinky me. I miss kinky me. She was fun and had cool stories.


Adult like things I’m getting the hang of:

  1. Making myself lunch for work
  2. Putting all my clothes away right after the dryer
  3. Making myself breakfast
  4. Getting to bed no later than 10pm, waking up at 7am to do some writing before work.
  5. Taking my birth control on time (I could always do this when i was having loads of sex but after a year of no sex I’ve been lacking)
  6. Coming up with creative ideas for teaching
  7. Studying every day for the GRE
  8. Working on my Statment of purpose every week
  9. Getting my hair to look nice for work
  10. Working out every week and going hiking