Rainy Days

January 19th, 2015

In high school, my coach would remind us whenever we were having an awful day that we needed the rainy days too. In a very cheesy image of how we’re growing up and we not only we need sunny days, but we need rainy days to grow too. As cheesy as this little phrase is I used it last week for one of my debate students who broke down crying at the end of class.

Today was a rainy day:

I woke up feeling under the weather. I’ve been battling not getting a cold, but feeling like I’m on the brink of a bad cold. This morning I felt really sick. (Don’t worry after large amounts of tea, oatmeal and Mucinex I felt better mid-day) Also, I went hiking twice over the weekend. Very long, hilly hikes so I woke up pretty sore.

Then my mom asked us if we wanted to go visit our Grandmother tomorrow. She’s slipping in and out of conciseness now. A chunk of my family members visited with her earlier in the day and she wasn’t really all there. So we’re going to see her tomorrow and I’m going to say goodbye.

I went into work early today. It’s a holiday so I had private tutoring sessions since there wasn’t regular classes today. But my boss was on a (trying to fix holes at work) mood and she’s a bit intense. She also loves to walk in the middle of sessions, to have conversations. Next thing I know as my two students were taking their vocabulary test I started to silently cry. I stopped myself soon enough before it got out of hand.

Finally after work I jumped into my car and just broke down crying. Then I started singing along with the radio because singing always made me feel better in high school.

*Note: When I’m upset about one thing it tends to snowball into a lot of things. Or all the things I was bottling up finally pour out. (I’m really trying to work on this) But I still do this all the time. So one minute I’m upset about my grandmother, next I’m crying about how shitty of a teacher I am, how I can’t do any of this, because I start thinking about how exhausting my learning disability is everyday, then I think I can’t get into an MFA program because I’m so shitty at spelling and grammar and words in general and then I think  I can’t write, because I haven’t written a good poem in weeks, that I haven’t had time to submit anything new in two weeks, how I’ve been rejected a boat load of times the past week, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am, how badly I wish I could just call somebody. How badly I miss love.

I just start repeating to myself “it’s just a rainy day. I’m just having a bad day. It’s just a bad day, in a few hours, everything will be better.”

Then I pull thru a Mcdonalds drive thru and order a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

And then I felt better.

Crying_icecream_eating

Today was a rainy day. So I’m hoping for a few nice sunny days soon. Maybe put aside some time for my poems and my submissions.

Passing Moments

Written on Tuesday January 6, 2015

Sometimes I wish my Grandmother would pass away.

Sitting at lunch listening to a long-winded conversation my mother carried on and on about my grandmother’s care, about how her brothers won’t pitch in, how crazy my one aunt is and how she may be banished from visiting and about how my grandmother is only skin and bones now.

88 pounds to be exact.

My mother’s main of tactics last year always begins with “well I’ve had to deal with my mother, it’s been a rough year”. My grandmother has become some odd way to win an argument or a card you pull out when you don’t want to deal with the day.

I must sound like the world’s worst person and then on the other hand I must sound like countless memoirs discussing family members and aging.

My grandmother is not a nice person. She’s always been nice to us grandchildren but other than that she’s not very nice. She can be very racist and very unforgiving to her own children. Very nasty to them. From spitting out the worst of foul language one can image.I don’t think my own mother understands where this bitterness comes from. My mother doesn’t understand why she can’t just be peaceful.

My grandmother never knew who her father was. Her mother, a true diva at heart, loved money. She was married two men, both in the army and both had no idea. From what I’ve been told my great grandmother wasn’t the nicest person. Then it would be her stepfather down the road, who she would care for, a semi-pro baseball league, who would be murdered and gone from her life. My grandfather, as I’ve been told countless times was an amazing man. Sweet, caring and I don’t remember him. I was a year old when he passed away from asbestosis. I have been told he and I spent a lot of time together my first and his last year.

After my grandfather passed way my grandmother never stepped into a church, she wouldn’t even walk through a chapel.

My grandmother is very angry she’s been moved into an elder care center. Besides the main reasons, dementia, muscle degeneration and macular degeneration. The last straw was my grandmothers “boyfriend” whose been around since I was a little kid. Everyone has always hated him. He’s a dumbs who prays on multiple women and takes their money. Last year was a bit rough going through the court system to get him out of her life, to set her up in an elderly care and to deal with other crazy ass family members. causing scenes and what not.


January 8, 2015

My mother stepped into my room to tell me a nurse called suggesting my grandma be put into hospice care.

My timing is impeccable. I feel so terrible for even wishing.

“More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.”

Truman Capote

I don’t deal with death well. I tend to freeze up and lock myself in my own head. Deaths like the shade of a tree passing with the Sun’s moments. The feeling I get when someone dies is like a stone or a rock. I’m just sitting there watching everything. Nothing is in slow motion.Slow motion is so cheesy and silly. Or saying a moment seem to be fast forward. I think it’s the breathing that makes you feel like that. Your breath, your heart rate either goes fast all at once or you can barely breathe.

I saw my dog get hit by a car when I was in kindergarten

My uncle died in a terrible motorcycle accident. I will always look at Harleys differently. I remember that funnel too. I was in third grade, up north and my grandfather was holding me because the had an open viewing after the service. I saw my parents into the church looking in. I was so terrified of the thought of seeing someone in a coffin that when my grandfather passed away two years later I pretended to be sleepy in case they opened his coffin. I remember that funeral too, a military one, lots of guns shooting off and such a nice green, perfect grass graves. So many flags and so many sad families sitting down in the grass.

In high school when one of my teammates was shot in the head and then his guardian committed suicide that was…weird. I know weird isn’t the correct word, but I ‘m not sure how else to mention the passing feeling I get when I think about my teammates finding out. We were at a tournament too.

Maybe I do believe something happens after to us after we die, maybe that’s why grief to me is a different feeling. No, of course I believe I something happens to us after we die. I just don’t think the images and the countless text I’ve read about, “a heaven” could even possibly be close to what’s after this life.

No, of course, I believe something happens to us after we die. I just don’t think the images and the countless text I’ve read about, “a heaven” could even possibly be close to what’s after this life.

When I think of afterward I think of this wonderful documentary I watched a few months back. “How to Die in Oregon” I recommend it. The ending of the main woman is an example that I believe something happens to us after we die. I know this is for another time and I know everyone doesn’t agree with this docoumatry but its hard to not watch these people and their pain and hate them for wanting a choice.

So this weekend my grandmother may pass away. I’m deeply sad and I’m sure I will cry. And I won’t say like so many people say or write shitty poetry about: “I’m sad, but I’m happy knowing she lived. Yes, my grandmother lived but she was so unhappy and lonely for much of it. She was so angry.

If anything my grandmother gave me a great gift and lesson To remind myself to let go of hate and anger. To be nice and find and keep love in my life.

My grandfather was a great man and I was lucky I knew him for such a short moment in my life. I hope she gets to see him again: That’s always been my wish for my grandmother.

I Cry at Dog Funerals

I have this terrible infliction, or quirk I guess? A quality one possesses and you hope others find it endearing, cute, all those fucking sweet, honey and sugar synonyms to describe a cute gal pal.

I cry when animals die. Sounds, normal right? Anyone would be sad if a puppy died, or your pet of 10 years passed away. Yeah, take it to the next level. Not only do I cry when animals die but the personification of an animal is so moving I cry. Like this short film for example:

I just cried and cried the whole damn time.

Other moments in film and TV I cried when no one else did:

  1. Two Brothers (Cried when I realized the mother tiger wasn’t dead) (Also the scene when they first showed the two different worlds the brother grew up in)
  2. When the dog Chin-Chin dies in Gilmore Girls
  3. Marley and Me (Ok i know a lot of people cried when the dog dies but my boyfriend of the time had fallen asleep half way through and woke up to me crying and was like, “whats wrong?!” Through my gasping for air I said, “Marley didn’t make it.”
  4. The 2013 Budweiser Super Bowl Ad with the guy and the horse. (Cried a whole lot)
  5. When the Dog from I am Legend dies. (I think the dog in the book is even more sad too)
  6. My Dog Skipwhen skip dies at the end.
  7. The Opening scene to Finding Nemo. The music for the opening always makes me cry too. I love that little bit of music so much!
  8. The ending to Homeward Bound!
  9. Dumbo cries for his mom. SAD! I always cry.
  10. Oh my God, when Littlefoot’s mom dies.
  11. As a child, I had an attachment to stuffed animals. I had a lot of them and struggled to give them away. You know what I thought? They wouldn’t be taken care of and they would miss me!

I’m going to stop there because I’ll just keep thinking of sad animal movies and cartoons.

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Yeah, let’s end this sad post with a sad GIF