Past the Time Texting and Talking (Over it)

March has really been a great month. Two of my poems got accepted into two places I was really hoping to get into. I’ll be interviewing for a head coach for speech next month and I’ve just been happy and feeling grateful. I’ve finally started to find the right energy being back home.

Also, a lot has happened ex-wise the past few weeks.

*Side Note: I don’t know why but ex’s always seem to have a way of sneaking back into my life. This is why most of them are blocked on my social media sites and my cell number. I also want to note I hate mentioning my ex so often and it must not be fun for guys who I have seen in the past but I really think ex’s are a large part of who I once was, what got me to where I am now and are a chunk of what I first wrote about. It’s therapeutic for me in a way.

I’ve been having extremely vivid dreams this month. I dreamt about two ex’s and they were very distant in the dream, in the background and Ignored them. In the dreams its like I realized who they really were and how they had once treated me. Which is different, because sometimes my ex’s are in my dreams and we are close, hugging, kissing and smiling. It was a relief to see me finally let go and realize who they were even in my dreams. I finally saw them for the terrible people they were and how badly they treated me. I woke up feeling as though I had let go leftover lingering feelings.

An old Ex text me two weeks ago. Missing me, wanting to chat, see how I was doing. This is an Ex I ended on pretty good terms with. Yes, I was pretty hurt when it didn’t work out and it didn’t work out because he said he wasn’t in a good place and he would drag me down. Ok, every other guy who’s tried to say this, “bullshit” but this guy…it’s 100% true. He was in a dirt shit place in school and life. Bad family problems and I had been doing so well. I really had my shit together my last year of college. (Besides a few moments) But that last spring I was work, work, work and in love with writing poetry , had my head down. Looking back I’m very thankful he was smart enough and mature enough to realize he couldn’t have been the guy I wanted to be with. I’m very thankful he knew being in a relationship would have been more toxic than healthy between us.

But he texted me and it’s hard. I really liked him, it really crushed me when it didn’t work out. I mean I got really drunk the night it all fell apart. I ended up naked in the wrong bed story. Not one of my smart moves in life. With this ex, it was all about timing. Really bad timing and now we live really far away from each other, so nothing would ever happen. So he’s texting me on and off. And at this moment it really bothers me. I don’t like feeling like a part time thing. A fling when he’s bored and nothing else their’s no one else better to talk to. I always feel like second string, the past the time, until they find the one.

I’m sick of being the part-time play thing.

One of my pet peeves is talking and talking to someone and then just dropping the communication. I hate that. It makes you feel like you’re no longer important until they get bored again.

And if they are really done, they don’t want me anymore, not interested, then fine. I’m ok with that.

But don’t come crawling back because you realized you fucked up and missed out on a great woman.

Funny, that seems to happen with a lot of my ex’s…

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I’m a full-time woman and a hard worker. I’m over guys coming in and out of my life. Want to have sex with me? Then talk to me for months at a time. Not just when you feel like. Because then my pussy may just not feel like it.

Real communication skills, get some.

Got Milk?

One of my best friends from high school who was in choir, speech and soccer with me is a registered nurse now. An extremely talented one I might add. She’s on the night shift for the next five months. It sucks, but I don’t sleep so perfect for hanging out!

We’ve both been busy and I haven’t had much time for stories and I guess I’ve continually left out to her I haven’t had sex in a year and a half. She was shocked to say the least and was worried I had fallen ill by some continue strep throat making me too weak.

I told her about the last time I had sex, my hot mess, waking up naked in his roommate’s bed. One of the many signs I needed to stop going down the path I was on. (Ha! going down pun not intended). I was just really hurt by all these guys and instead of dealing with it I was fucking the problems brains out.

I don’t want to hand out the milk anymore. Because no one seems interested in the cow (yes, I realize I just called myself a cow.) Plus the emotional and trust issues don’t help matters.

I feel like most of my past dating experiences no one wanted to commit, I was a good time. And it did hurt when they left and the next person they were with was worth the label, was the embarrassing and pointless “we’re in a relationship status.” I don’t get any of that anymore and at one point that made me feel really shitty.

So I told my best friend, no…I don’t have sex anymore. I don’t trust anymore and every time I get close to someone they just disappear and I’m tired of adjusting to guys coming in and out of my life. I like being on my own, I’m happy, I’m a hard worker and the last four years of no “‘I’m not in a relationship” on Facebook has helped me figure a lot about myself.

Of course, I still miss having someone around. As much as any of us say how adjusted and happy we are being alone. The opposite is always true. It’s that pull, the back, and forth forces making sure we take a risk now and then.

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Perfect on Paper

Chris

He was the in between of Brad and my nonexistent love life. I met Chris when the weather was finally warming up outside and I was almost done with my undergrad. My friend dragged me to this fundraiser, even though I wanted to just sit in my room and write. She said I needed to get out more, so I brought my writing journal with me to the football party (winning). I’m not a huge fan of football, neither is my friend, but it was a fundraiser for an organization she was working with. As I was saying, I have no interest in football, but I was into the hotdogs, soda (I never drink soda, but Coca-cola and Dr. Pepper is cocaine for me) and I got to sit in a chair and write.

My friend was talking to the heads of the organization and one of their friends mentioned Chris was trying to get published and my friend mentioned I wrote and I always send my stuff out. And I love helping people with stuff like this. It’s a high for me when people ask me to make them a list. Lists vary from: where to send your writing, to coffee houses, to foods one should eat before they die, to speech scripts. So if you want help in one of those areas I’m your gal. If you want a list of the periodic table or all the State capitals…don’t bother asking me.

We started talking about publishing and he had no idea about anything. He was another guy who enjoyed writing as a hobby (maybe not even a hobby, something to fiddle with) but wasn’t about to quit his day job. It’s sweet when I meet guys who enjoy writing as a little fun activity, but it’s hard to connect and talk about writing on a higher level. It’s like trying to have a deep conversation with someone who says they read but you find out when they “read” they mean magazines and you’re like, “yeah, ok you read, but we read different things.” Still he was a cute guy.

I didn’t really think that giving him my email meant anything more than just helping him out with journals:

Again I should point out that I can be so oblivious to the dating world. It’s a miracle I’ve ever been in a relationship, had sex or even kissed someone with my lack of observation.

After we met up for coffee the first time I did kind of figured he liked me.. I had been there all morning writing and he stopped by for two hours before he took off for a camping trips with his friends. He had a nice smile and was very dorky. I remember he seemed to have no control over his hands. He would hit the table top loudly (he must have been nervous) and it was very distracting to me. I notice weird shit like that.

But Chris was really everything I was looking for: Sweet, cute, good-looking (not that I look for that) and I suppose when I mean good-looking, I mean I was attracted to him. It’s weird but sometimes I’m sitting down next to someone (I’ve felt this with two people, Chris and my friend I almost dated) It’s not a spark but it’s comfort having their leg so close to mine. Chris also had a great job, he was a few years older than me. He was an engineer and I grew up around a lot of engineers so I was like “ok, I can work with that.” He was a hard worker and goofy at the same time. He was perfect on paper I would tell my friend Tina.

On our third date, we went out dinner and it was lovely. He came over to my place and he hung out and met Tina, Valerie, and my brother who was living there at the time. But as he was leaving we didn’t kiss and we just sided hug. A bit of both our doing. He seemed like a very respectable man, which is great and everything, I need more nice gentlemen in my life. But sometimes a lady likes a man to take charge. Ok, I always like to be dominated. I liked to flung around. I don’t get flung anymore.

Chris and I never kissed and I’m sure it would have been a disaster because just hugging him fell so flat.

Also, I’m guilty of disliking the fact that he didn’t have nice hair or let me rephrase that. He didn’t know how to take care of his hair. That poor hair. And he didn’t know how to wear suits. (When you do speech and debate this is important and something you notice). Those poor suits.

It’s important to note that when he would text me, call or ask to hang out that night I got kind of annoyed and I realized this would never work out because I would rather be writing poetry and hanging out with my roommates than go out to dinner with him. Someone should make you want to put down your work for a few hours to be naked with.

One night I went out to drinks to celebrate my first chapbook draft getting done and he tagged along and I forgot why but he said “ghetto.” Look, I really don’t care. I mean do I like the phrase ghetto? No, I think it’s not only just shitty classist thing to say but it shows a lack of vocabulary. But really I don’t care, I don’t love it but I’m not going to stop dating someone because they make a few mistakes.

Did my friend/roommate Valerie like it? Oh hell no, she hated it. Valerie has a self-righteous quality about herself. She likes to “set everyone” straight, yet never sees her own flaws, acts like she does but she really doesn’t. She’s a racial and she forgets just because you’re liberal doesn’t mean you can’t be a racial who judges others too much. There have been plenty times she said negative things about guys I liked and it’s funny because they guys she didn’t think were worth my time were the nicest guys I have ever met. And the ones she liked, the ones she said “were hot” ended up being the biggest assholes. **One of the many reasons I don’t speak to her anymore. Because she was controlling not only with me but her other friends and who they liked. Tina put it best, “she doesn’t want you dating anybody because then you guys wouldn’t hang out as much.”

A mixture of bad chemistry, Valerie and hair really made this “perfect on paper” guy end. But he put the final nail in the coffin. After he texted me, “what he could do different or for in the future what he could work on.” I said, “your text is a perfect example. Don’t ask what you could work on for a future relationship.”

 

Rollin’ Off My Bed

Chance

The night my friend (and future roommate) broke up with her girlfriend we had all planned on going out downtown for the night of dancing and drinking. My friend came over upset and curled up in my bed. I was putting on make-up, my hair was looking nice for once and I had on this very cute but very casual  outfit. Which, if you’re a woman is the grand prize of going out. The “hot outfit, but I look like I did nothing.” She decided not to go out with me and my friend Tina.

Bad idea #1: Not having my friend there to watch Tina and I. Not only did Tina and I not drive downtown (got rides with current roommates) but we were drinking and dancing like sex beasts.

At one of my favorite Midwestern bars (which is sadly closed down) Tina and I were on the dance floor when this cute, tall guy kind of came up to me and seemed to want to dance, but little old awkward me danced the other way. This prompted Tina of course to tell me, “dude he likes you.”

“Wait, he wants to dance with me?”

“Yes.” And as Tina says yes to me she simultaneously pushed me at him.

I literally fall into his arms. Thank God he caught me. 10 songs later, 6 pretty heavy make out session on the dance floor later and ending up on a college twitter make out page he asks if I want to go back to his place. I say, “yeah.” Trying not think about the fact that it’s my last day of my period. So in my head I’m like “fuck, FUCK, FUCK!”

I’m not about to have sex on my period, but something inside of me also said not to lose out on this guy. (Stupid) Plus trying to explain drunk at a bar, “I’M MENSTRUATING” is not an attractive conversation. So I say fuck it, I’ll figure it out.

Before we leave the bar he buys a few drinks and my roommates come up and hug me. I’m confused to why they are laughing (I a later they knew him.) Tina checks on me and I find out she’s hooking up with an international guy from Africa.

As I’m standing at the bar with this attractive, tall guy I realize I don’t know his name. He slides his debit card on the bar, I lean over and see the name, Chance. I sneaker a bit, drunk me thinking how fucking clever I must be. Not.


At his place, I walk into a typical college guys house. Maybe four or so guys live there. There must have been a party going on before hand but now it was quite. Walking up the stairs into his bedroom we kiss, we undress a bit and I lay out next to him, on top of him, tangled in him. His room was covered in car posters, AC/DC and running posters.

He asks me, “wait, what’s your name?” We laugh and I tell him. I get a double check on Chance. This rolls into the fact that we both like running, I played soccer, I ride dirt bikes. Which is always my secret hot thing about myself.

I never knew this as a young kid the fact I ride motorcycles would get me laid. Motorcycles upstairs this, “badass” quality to it. Unlike how I eat or try to walk down a flight of stairs. It turned from a hook-up into talking and “wait, you like ______? OMG! Me too!” I was so excited

The last time, I was that excited was when I was dating Peeta. Chance made me excited to be on top of him. He was cute, sexy and goofy too. He also had this quality in his voice talking to me and this look in his eyes that said, “Wow, how lucky I am I found you.”

We spent the whole night talking, maybe slept an hour or two. The next day after a rainy night his car got humorously stuck in the mud and he had to bother his roommates car to drop me off.


I walked into my house so excited for this new guy. I walked up stairs and as I open my door to my bedroom I see my friend in my bed and then I see another head in my bed. My guy friend and her guy friend, but I guess more than a friend now. So I grabbed a towel and took a shower. Came back they were dressing and he took off. I laughed at her and she was like, “where is Tina!?” I was like, “oh thanks about worrying where I’ve been all night!”

“Oh, you can handle yourself!”


The next night (my period was over) I went over to his place and we had sex.

I don’t remember the sex being earth shattering. It wasn’t raining outside his window on this night and I only remember little pieces of his body and mine together.

I think when someone really disappoints you and breaks your heart, your mind really starts to actively get rid of happy memories. Like when you throw away old photos. So I don’t remember much of the happy times with Chance. I never wanted to and in my other blog, I was much mean about Chance. He was an asshole, he’s still an asshole, like much of my dating pool. But I’ve been foolish to act like all these guys didn’t give me something. They did make me smile at one point.

Also, it’s a bit too painful to remember the good parts. It makes me miss things. Not the person, but the feelings. Good memories make me miss love, then I miss relationships and then being single gets that much harder.

And I don’t need those feelings attacking me every day. So it’s easier to not remember.

But for a moment I will say: He was a nice guy when we dated. We had sex two-three times a day for three months. Oh, believe me this is no joke. We had a lot of sex and it only got better and kinkier over the three months. We watched Tv shows together and we ate pizza in bed, which is every girl dreams (to eat in bed)


But after three months, I wanted more. I wanted to know I was his girlfriend. Chance was leaving for a week for spring break. I stayed the night at his house. We didn’t have sex, there was a distance I didn’t want to talk about and a lingering conversation I didn’t want remember. I dropped him off for his trip. We kissed and he said, “see you in a week.”

Pulling up to my house the song, “Daylight” by Maroon 5 came on and I knew that was the last night I would spend with Chance and I didn’t cry.

How cheesy do I sound?

That goodbye was the last time we ever spoke. The last time I would really see him. Of course, I saw him at parties and downtown, but that would be it. We would cross paths at parties like we had never met.


So now that he’s an asshole I’m going to tell the most embarrassing story about him. The title of this post will all make sense now.

One night after going out Chance had a little bit too much to drink. Besides casting himself into the cast of How I Met Your Mother, he was Lily and I was Marshall. (Mess) He was pregnant (like how Lily becomes) and he told me not to tell anyone because the producers don’t want anyone to find out about this story line yet. (Mess)

Next, we tried (tried is key here) to have sex. It was going pretty well, but the mistake was made in changing sex positions. Doggy Style must have been a bit too much combination for Chance drunk because he fell off my bed and rammed into my desk, well more like bounced off my desk. I never knew one could bounce off a desk.

raw


Chance

He was the guy I fell into at a bar and he caught me.

Now he’s just the guy who fell off my bed.

I was just his rebound from a serious relationship and it hurt how he would end things (actually he never really did) He just stopped talking to me and acted like he didn’t know me.

As much as it hurt and made upset how he left things, I’m grateful it didn’t work out, because who wants to be with someone that can easily forget about all the sex, all the I want you in my life talks. Who wants to be with a guy that will pretend he doesn’t know you when it’s all over.

Tree Star Tattoo Dude

 

LittlefootAbouttoEatTreestarThis was a pretty short lived hook-up.

Peter

Again I met him through my roommate. He went to college for art and photographer. He went to a pretty nice university for the arts too, but he wasn’t really working on it. Lacked passion in his art. Kind of lazy about it. He was almost 30 and really didn’t have any future plans.

A messy person too.

We spoke a lot online, chatting and we ran into each other at the local bars. He had a beard and was pretty interesting. I wasn’t super physically attracted to him but he was funny and we also seemed to have nice conversations.

He had a few tattoos, one was of someone’s voice rate, he had something else on his leg I think and then finally his other arm he had a tattoo of The Land Before Time, Tree Star. Yep.

Of course, in the middle of the night I drove 35 minutes to his place.

He was a very sloppy kisser. ugh I hate that.

Now I’m a firm believer that kissing is a pre-curser to how sex will be/chemistry. Which brings me to the idea that I don’t think anyone is a bad kisser: I just think bad kissing has to do with chemistry and emotion connection, plus how sex will be between two people.

So basically he was sloppy with me, but I’m sure with other women he may have been a great kisser. Just not for me.

That was basically the story. Just a hook-up. And I left thinking how this wasn’t going to work out. I mean the kissing said it all and I should have stopped there but…you know. Girls gotta eat.

Besides the kissing Peter made me feel like how Jacob made me feel. I felt dirty. A piece of meat. There was no romance, no caring touch or the warm of a smile. It was just pleasure and I was just a breathing toy with flesh.

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The Most Awkward Guy

Jacob 

This was lesson #1 that just because someone is 30 doesn’t mean they’re more put together than the 21-year-olds I’ve had sex with.

He was an”in between” guy I only saw for about a week until I realized this is a mess.

I met Jacob through my friend/roommate at the time. We still say hi in passing if we run into each other when I’m visiting town. We don’t chat or anything really. not like we talked that much when we were messing around.

Sweet guy, but just off for some reason. I really can’t put my finger on it.

He was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong but there was something uncomfortable about being naked in front of him. I’ve never really felt dirty in front of a guy, never really felt like a live action porn clip. I can name like three other guys that made me feel like this and Jacob is one of them.

Something in the pace of his breathing, the way his hands rubbed me and he was a terrible kisser too. Sloppy and no control. I don’t know how to put this, but I felt like a piece of meat and he was really hungry.

I never enjoyed being close with him, craving to lay down and let him hold me. I remember on Halloween I stayed for a bit and we were about to have sex but he didn’t have a condom and I was like, “What? You knew I was coming over to the party tonight.”

We were talking about how many people we’ve has sex with, you know just a basic sex chat. At the time, I think I had been with five or six guys. (That number is ummm…well it grew fast) Jacob claimed to have had sex with over 30 people. HA! I was like no fucking way! He can barely carry on a conversation, how did that happen. Then I thought, “well I’m here naked so I should shut up.”

Awkward_Alert

So that was Jacob. Not exciting and really awkward.

Marcus

Now before I go into Marcus I want to point out that my Ex I was with before Marcus (the one that cheated on me) we broke up once (Briefly) And in between that break up I date and hooked up with two guys and kissed and did some stuff with another.

Marcus

I was spending more time with my best friend Tammy and my guy friend Rich. Both happen to be good friends of mine and both happen to be good friends of Marcus. I told Tammy I just wanted sex, a fun roll in the hay kind of sex. So she introduced me to Marcus. In his backyard we hung out, had beers with his friends. He tried to convince me to stay the night. I’m not sure why I opted not to but three days later we did end up having sex. Now my last Ex we did stuff, between the handcuffs, different locations, etc. But Marcus was a sexual awakening in the sense of rougher sex. Stronger biting, scratching, anal. All kinds of kinky shit.

Also, during this stage of my sexuality I was very comfortable with sex. I know i must seem rather comfortable now, the way I talk, etc. But damn…I was even more at 21. Example number one: One time Marcus and I were having sex, having a good old time and six people walked in on us and I shook their hands, introduced myself and everything. It was lovely.

I can’t really imagine myself being that open nowadays, but hey I was going through a lot at 21. I was really heartbroken and I was trying to mend everything with sperm.

I really liked Marcus. He had a beard, tall, red hair and loved motorcycles. When we talked it was like chatting with an old friend. Someone who understood my pain and someone I wasn’t nervous to tell deep secrets to. He liked me too, a lot. But I was leaving in another few months. Still he sat down with me and was like I really like you, I want us to be in a relationship, let’s do long distance.

Everything sounded pretty good and everything was going pretty well. Of course, none of this would work out. Marcus’s Ex had cheated on him for six months and he was still going through that emotion crap bag. So he would slowly fade away, talk about us being friends and sleep with this other girl.

We still made out a bit, hooked up but overall it was over and I was a mess. I don’t think I had gotten over my ex before Marcus and now Marcus had given me everything I felt and taken it away. Yet was still dragging me around.


I’ve had a very rocky back and forth with Marcus. We were on and off a few times and it wasn’t until last year it hit me. After he sent me some very derogatory and sexually explicit text messages.

I realized how disgusting he was to me.

I remembered how he told me after he found out about his Ex, he posted naked photos of her all over the internet. He sent them out. I realized how much I didn’t want a guy like hm in my life at all. How he kind of scared me, worried to what he would do if he was pissed at me. So I told him and I haven’t heard from him in a year.

I did run into a month ago. I do live in the same city as him now and he does kind of hangout with my friends. But they don’t really spend time with him anymore.

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