Past the Time Texting and Talking (Over it)

March has really been a great month. Two of my poems got accepted into two places I was really hoping to get into. I’ll be interviewing for a head coach for speech next month and I’ve just been happy and feeling grateful. I’ve finally started to find the right energy being back home.

Also, a lot has happened ex-wise the past few weeks.

*Side Note: I don’t know why but ex’s always seem to have a way of sneaking back into my life. This is why most of them are blocked on my social media sites and my cell number. I also want to note I hate mentioning my ex so often and it must not be fun for guys who I have seen in the past but I really think ex’s are a large part of who I once was, what got me to where I am now and are a chunk of what I first wrote about. It’s therapeutic for me in a way.

I’ve been having extremely vivid dreams this month. I dreamt about two ex’s and they were very distant in the dream, in the background and Ignored them. In the dreams its like I realized who they really were and how they had once treated me. Which is different, because sometimes my ex’s are in my dreams and we are close, hugging, kissing and smiling. It was a relief to see me finally let go and realize who they were even in my dreams. I finally saw them for the terrible people they were and how badly they treated me. I woke up feeling as though I had let go leftover lingering feelings.

An old Ex text me two weeks ago. Missing me, wanting to chat, see how I was doing. This is an Ex I ended on pretty good terms with. Yes, I was pretty hurt when it didn’t work out and it didn’t work out because he said he wasn’t in a good place and he would drag me down. Ok, every other guy who’s tried to say this, “bullshit” but this guy…it’s 100% true. He was in a dirt shit place in school and life. Bad family problems and I had been doing so well. I really had my shit together my last year of college. (Besides a few moments) But that last spring I was work, work, work and in love with writing poetry , had my head down. Looking back I’m very thankful he was smart enough and mature enough to realize he couldn’t have been the guy I wanted to be with. I’m very thankful he knew being in a relationship would have been more toxic than healthy between us.

But he texted me and it’s hard. I really liked him, it really crushed me when it didn’t work out. I mean I got really drunk the night it all fell apart. I ended up naked in the wrong bed story. Not one of my smart moves in life. With this ex, it was all about timing. Really bad timing and now we live really far away from each other, so nothing would ever happen. So he’s texting me on and off. And at this moment it really bothers me. I don’t like feeling like a part time thing. A fling when he’s bored and nothing else their’s no one else better to talk to. I always feel like second string, the past the time, until they find the one.

I’m sick of being the part-time play thing.

One of my pet peeves is talking and talking to someone and then just dropping the communication. I hate that. It makes you feel like you’re no longer important until they get bored again.

And if they are really done, they don’t want me anymore, not interested, then fine. I’m ok with that.

But don’t come crawling back because you realized you fucked up and missed out on a great woman.

Funny, that seems to happen with a lot of my ex’s…

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I’m a full-time woman and a hard worker. I’m over guys coming in and out of my life. Want to have sex with me? Then talk to me for months at a time. Not just when you feel like. Because then my pussy may just not feel like it.

Real communication skills, get some.

Nightmares

For six years now I’ve been dealing with bad dreams, some so bad they’re more nightmares than just a bad dream. I’ve noticed if someone is sleeping next to me I don’t get any bad dreams. This person sleeping next to me ranges from guys who were practically living with me to my roommates walking into my room, wrapped in a blanket telling me they had a bad day and want a sleeping buddy.

Most of my creepy dreams range from people dying, funerals and creepy creature after people.

The worst of my dreams is the reoccurring image of a shadow figured. The first time I remember seeing this shadow figure I was driving my car and I realized someone was in the back seat and the shadowed figure pulled a knife on me and I woke up.  The shadow figure has shown up in numerous dreams, from solely after me, to shooting down other people.

Last night the shadow figure came back. I was taking picture on my camera and then out of nowhere it was next to me and tried to pull me away. Then I woke up breathing heavy and a bit freaked out.

Luckily, I got back to sleep pretty fast. I was these electric candles so I turned one of those on a timer. A bit of light always helps. Sometimes, when the dream is really bad I have to turn on all my lights, sit up and read a book for a few hours. I also have a dream catcher I hang above my bed, it’s definitely a placebo that’s lost much of sparkle.

My dreams are so vivid and I can remember them so well I sometimes end up looking them up: Dream Dictionary I’m a firm believer that dreams are the subconscious trying to figure stuff out, but of course I’m not sure about these nightmares. Ugh.

Hoping for better dreams tonight!

Branching out

I woke up around 4am today from a terrible dream. Actually I woke up crying so it was really more like a nightmare than just a bad dream.

I was in this dark building and my Ex who cheated  and Marcus Ex was there and I couldn’t move and I realized I was strapped down, like some Frankenstein movie straps shit. And they were torturing me and telling my no one is going to love me or ever want to be with me.

Then I woke up and I was crying.

It was a really terrible night.

So I didn’t get much sleep but in the morning, I decided to do some reading. I just checked out two new books, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and rereading Flowers for Algernon because the last time I read it I was in 5th grade and I’m teaching to my students. It’s a really wonderful little books and it’s one of the few books I remember really enjoying at that age. I have the book sitting on my desk and I’m on hold with my pharmacy trying to refill my prescription and I decided to flip through the book and I stumble upon this little dried up purple flower. I’m a bit shocked to this. Then I realize the page its on. It really made my day after my nightmare.

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It was like a nice little “keep some hope” message.


I had drinks with my friends last night. It was really nice. I actually did a few shots, which I haven’t done for months. So it was a bit of a half drunk night too. But my best friend and I were talking about her wedding. I always enjoy these conversations, there is always some funny story to hear or one of the other bridesmaids acting a fool. It’s interesting to watch my best friend too, because I don’t know I thought she would be living the kind of life I’m living and I would have her life. So it’s weird to see everything flipped.

*I always thought I would be the one getting married first (I did everything else before my friends) I also thought I would have the 9-5 job. But here we are living completely different lives than we planned.

But I asked my best friend if she ever thought of waxing and she got all excited and mentioned how she wanted to wax her legs and armpits before her wedding!

This is exciting news for me because I’ve been thinking for months now about waxing. Probably my legs and I’m really interested in getting a Brazilian (not a full bare ass wax. I have a nice little strip or something) . My one friend raves about how great it feels and I’m really tempted to try it out. maybe it will be the extra little push I need to get off the wall and back into the bedroom. My friend also wants to go underwear shopping, exciting. So here’s my little push back into kinky me. I miss kinky me. She was fun and had cool stories.

friends-waxing-o


Adult like things I’m getting the hang of:

  1. Making myself lunch for work
  2. Putting all my clothes away right after the dryer
  3. Making myself breakfast
  4. Getting to bed no later than 10pm, waking up at 7am to do some writing before work.
  5. Taking my birth control on time (I could always do this when i was having loads of sex but after a year of no sex I’ve been lacking)
  6. Coming up with creative ideas for teaching
  7. Studying every day for the GRE
  8. Working on my Statment of purpose every week
  9. Getting my hair to look nice for work
  10. Working out every week and going hiking

girls-grown-up

 

January

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I felt pretty today.

Last night I actually remember one of my dreams very vividly. Now I will say I’ve had A LOT of…umm getting tied up sex dreams this sex <—-this is a fucking typo I caught before I posted this, but I left it because it’s a fine example of a Freudian slip. I meant to say, “this week!”

So, I’ve had A LOT of sex dreams this week and they are getting much kinkier by the minute. I’m sure if I was hot soup in a microwave I would have exploded by now.

But this last dream last night was weird:

The dream from what I remembered started when I was driving. I was leaving Virginia and somehow leaving Virginia leads right to South Dakota. Half of the time I was nervous about driving, like I  was going to crash, but I didn’t. Then I saw I was coming up onto Crazy Horse monument. (Mind you I’ve been to South Dakota and seen each of these places in person.) Next I made my way up to Mount Rushmore and a rest stop that reminded me more of a rest stop near Zion. As I was driving into the rest stop and I saw wolves on the side of the road howling and running. One of the wolves was looking at me right in the eyes. Next thing I know I’m at the rest stop with two dogs walking around and then I woke up.

I know the dream doesn’t sound so exciting, but it was rather beautiful during the whole dream and I felt different from how I feel in most of my dreams. I felt peaceful. Most of the time my dreams consist of: I’m scared, getting attack or I’m crying.

Or, sex. Lots of sex in my dreams these days. FML

Top 10 Songs I’m obsessed listening to

  1. Leave Me Here by Hem
  2. When The Spring Comes by The Divide
  3. Hold Back The River by James Bay
  4. Celeste by Ezra Vine
  5. Still by Daughter
  6. Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé
  7. Got It by Marian Hill
  8. OctaHate by Ryn Weaver
  9. Budapest by George Ezra
  10. All I Want by Kodaline

January has started out pretty well. I finally got most of my classes lined up I’m teaching, which is a relief. I’m going to start a yoga class with my best friend (I wanna be flexible again dammit) And I think I’m going to start working out again.

Tonight I got to see my high school Alumni and it was wonderful. I really missed hanging out with my old coach/boss. He’s a really great person and I wouldn’t have gone to college if not for him. It was such a breath of fresh air to network with such caring people. I miss them all so much. I’m so lucky I was apart of such an awesome program.

After my late lunch with the Alumni I had dinner with my brother, my best friend and her fiance. It was so nice to sit with someone who knows me that well. We’ve been friends since 3rd grade. I was sitting in the car trying to explain something and my best friend looks at her fiance (who kind of knows me but not super well yet) and she says, “she’s going to try to use an analogy here…and it won’t make any sense, so don’t try to figure it out.” So refreshing to be around true friends. They know exactly how to make fun of you and you know exactly how to make fun of them.

I feel really good. This year has a good energy so far. I know I will be sad, angry and stressed (already have a bit) and nothing will ever be perfect but I’m going to enjoy this little slice of heaven right now.

A creative mess is better than an idle tidiness

– A toilet stall door in Vancouver’s Arts Club Theatre (Michael J. Fox)