Baggage Claim

After enough time has passed we take our baggage and dump out the contents, the lies, cheating and the fabric of our old relationships. Without a handbook, school lesson plans or DIY step by step guides we still know how to dump out the memories like blinking when the wind blows dust around.

I dumped all my “baggage” out a few months ago, after the one-year marker of no sex, gaining my fair share in ice cream weight and after I cried enough to fill up  The Great Salt Lake.  Still, after it was all said and done I felt sad and I had these new set of insecurities involving sex, my body, and love.

We forget about the what the “baggage” came in, like an old suitcase in the corner. And I have like five suitcases sitting in my garage (that’s not a metaphor, that’s a real thing, moving across the country sucks). I’m sure I was conscious (back to the metaphor) when I didn’t throw out the last pieces of my old relationships. Maybe I’m not ready to let go, never believed in ripping off the band-aid, or denial has taken hold. Whatever the reason I forgot about the suitcases linger in the back. And on the days I trip over them and hit my shins I realize I have a long way to go before I’m all the way healed.

I spend a lot of time pretending I don’t know I have extra baggage and pretend like I don’t know what my remaining baggage is exactly. This is an utter and complete lie. I think about my leftover baggage each time I get naked with a man. I think about my baggage each time I look down at my body, each blouse, each button I misplace, I know exactly what’s holding me back.

In hopes of throwing out the last of my baggage I hope to confess every piece nasty memory I have been carrying in my mind each time I lie down naked with someone, every time I try to enjoy someone’s smile and each time another “he” leaves me, I remember every nasty memory all over again, like I’m reliving the moments again.

  1. My high school boyfriend (Adam) and I had already moved from just making out, to fingering, handjobs, to oral. One night when we weren’t watching the movie on the TV he went down on me, unzipped my pants and right as he went down for a moment came back up and made the most disgusted sound and faces and said he couldn’t handle the smell of my body and instead I went down on him and his sweaty balls.. *I’m sure I had showered and I was only a young teenage girl, going through every short of change, but of course I still question my hygiene to this day.  I have carried such a massive insecurity about someone going down on me.
  2. My senior year of high school Adam and I went to my senior prom together. I did my hair, wore a beautiful blue dress, strapless, ruffled at my bust like the waves of the ocean. He looked at me and said I was wearing too much make-up. Thank goodness my best friend Tammy told him to shut the fuck up.
  3. My boyfriend who cheated on me, the first time we broke up (before the cheating) one of the reasons we broke up was because he didn’t like how I was always wearing sweatshirts and not wearing enough make-up.
  4. My boyfriend who cheated on me, the second and last time we broke up I knew for a fact he couldn’t stand me being better at speech than him. I was a better coach and a better performer. He couldn’t handle this.
  5. ^He called me stupid and told me to shut-up a lot^ I always thought it was joking. This is not true. It’s hard now when people tell me to shut-up or say I’m dumb because of him. I flinch when someone tells me to shut-up. Even in a joking matter.
  6. When I found ^his^ list of all the girls he had dated and I saw my qualities were “sporty body” and “can get guys easy” I felt like I had nothing to offer but a body and flirtatious charm. That was the first time I felt like a slut.
  7. The last time my ex (who cheated on me) and I ever spoke, we were trying to be friends and it was going well until the really deep seeded emotions came out. He screamed and demanded I leave his house, cussed me out and flipped me off as I drove away. (My guy friend was also hanging out with us at the time and saw everything).
  8. My boyfriend John told me, “no one is ever going to love you, no one is ever going to want to marry you.” Sometimes on very dark days or right after a break up I think of those words and wonder he really did curse me.
  9. When I went to give John a piece of my mind and I ended up in the shower with him.
  10. That moment on the leather couch, or was it cross stitched patterned? Were the lights on or off? Was there a pool table or a beer pong table next to us? Was I really even drunk? These details are fuzzy and it’s weird to explain the moment: I was more watching then present, like an out of body experience or fly on the wall. I can see the hands holding me and the unwanted touching and my slow reaction.
  11. I think the moment I was lying on the floor, in a room filled with cigarette smoke and I was so hurt by how he left me. He just left, walked out and onto another girl. I thought fucking someone else was going hurt him somehow. Like when a boy pulls a girl’s pigtails. When in reality I’d become every terrible angsty teen novel and I fucked the guy covered in tattoos, the tongue piercing, who smelled and tasted of cigarettes. I closed my eyes and pretend to be somewhere else and this fuck changed everything. I fucked about six more guys like him, all different heights, variety of personalities but surprisingly all tasted of smoke and ash. I no longer can smell cigarettes without having flashbacks. Within a few months sex was no longer about love or sharing a moment with someone, it was my meal ticket to self-worth.

There.

Deep breath.

*Coincidence that yesterday one of the suitcases (literally a suitcase I own) fell apart yesterday and this morning as I was leaving for work  I watched the garbage truck haul it away.

Marcus

Now before I go into Marcus I want to point out that my Ex I was with before Marcus (the one that cheated on me) we broke up once (Briefly) And in between that break up I date and hooked up with two guys and kissed and did some stuff with another.

Marcus

I was spending more time with my best friend Tammy and my guy friend Rich. Both happen to be good friends of mine and both happen to be good friends of Marcus. I told Tammy I just wanted sex, a fun roll in the hay kind of sex. So she introduced me to Marcus. In his backyard we hung out, had beers with his friends. He tried to convince me to stay the night. I’m not sure why I opted not to but three days later we did end up having sex. Now my last Ex we did stuff, between the handcuffs, different locations, etc. But Marcus was a sexual awakening in the sense of rougher sex. Stronger biting, scratching, anal. All kinds of kinky shit.

Also, during this stage of my sexuality I was very comfortable with sex. I know i must seem rather comfortable now, the way I talk, etc. But damn…I was even more at 21. Example number one: One time Marcus and I were having sex, having a good old time and six people walked in on us and I shook their hands, introduced myself and everything. It was lovely.

I can’t really imagine myself being that open nowadays, but hey I was going through a lot at 21. I was really heartbroken and I was trying to mend everything with sperm.

I really liked Marcus. He had a beard, tall, red hair and loved motorcycles. When we talked it was like chatting with an old friend. Someone who understood my pain and someone I wasn’t nervous to tell deep secrets to. He liked me too, a lot. But I was leaving in another few months. Still he sat down with me and was like I really like you, I want us to be in a relationship, let’s do long distance.

Everything sounded pretty good and everything was going pretty well. Of course, none of this would work out. Marcus’s Ex had cheated on him for six months and he was still going through that emotion crap bag. So he would slowly fade away, talk about us being friends and sleep with this other girl.

We still made out a bit, hooked up but overall it was over and I was a mess. I don’t think I had gotten over my ex before Marcus and now Marcus had given me everything I felt and taken it away. Yet was still dragging me around.


I’ve had a very rocky back and forth with Marcus. We were on and off a few times and it wasn’t until last year it hit me. After he sent me some very derogatory and sexually explicit text messages.

I realized how disgusting he was to me.

I remembered how he told me after he found out about his Ex, he posted naked photos of her all over the internet. He sent them out. I realized how much I didn’t want a guy like hm in my life at all. How he kind of scared me, worried to what he would do if he was pissed at me. So I told him and I haven’t heard from him in a year.

I did run into a month ago. I do live in the same city as him now and he does kind of hangout with my friends. But they don’t really spend time with him anymore.

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The one labeled, “High School Sweetheart”

Funny I happened to start writing about this ex today, on his 25th birthday. Weird as shit how that always happens.

Adam

I suppose he’s my high school sweetheart in context, but of course we didn’t end up together, we didn’t have a happily ever after, The Notebook sex in the rain kind of story. We dated for two years and then we broke up, we dated a bit more and then we really broke it off. So you know, like normal people. I Guess?

He was sweet, kind and a pretty good boyfriend for the most part. But I am so glad we never ended up anything more than a high school couple.

Adam and I had been going to the same school since elementary school, but we didn’t really start talking and becoming friends until the end of 8th grade. Towards the end of our freshmen year, he asked me out. Like any young freshmen, we went to the regular hangout. Dinner and a movie at the local hot stop for all kids our age, the downtown area. He always gave me shit, but I order a salad on our date.

I have never told anyone this, but I order that salad because I couldn’t pronounce or really understand the menu at the downtown restaurant at. It’s still rather embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. Which makes me realize how far I’ve come since from freshmen year of school.

Still it was a nice date, one I will never forget in the terms of firsts. Adam was my first real boyfriend, first kiss, first for a good amount of things. On our first date, he gave me a candy heart that said, “first kiss” on it. Cute and don’t worry it had only been a week since valentines day, so no gross old candy heart shit. But it was sweet, he was sweet. He brought me flowers, gifts included bracelets, a necklace and a few little things I still have. Not to remember him but they are too nice to just throw in a trash can. But most of the sentimental dating stuff is long gone.

——

Looking back at my dating life as a young kid. I mean I didn’t have my first kiss until half way through freshmen year. man, I just snowballed into dirty time with my second boyfriend.

——–

Even though Adam was my first for meaning things, he was not the first person I had sex with, but we did a fair share of fingers, oral and lots of dry humping in the park. Yep, that’s right I was a horny 16-year-old kid. I was going to dry hump where ever I could.

Adam was always a pretty good guy. Everything ran pretty well for us as a couple. But looking back at it I can notice a lot of issues I never noticed before. One he made me self-conscious about oral (something I’ve never told anyone) He didn’t like it, the taste, the smell. It really made me feel like it was me. I’m still pretty self-conscious about with certain guys. I guess it just depends on my level of trust. Also, my senior year of high (we weren’t a couple) but we went prom together. I had spent all day getting ready and the first thing he says to me is I was wearing too much make-up.

Also, he hated name brand clothes. I tried so hard to get him to I don’t be a normal person. I’m not talking about bullshit stuff like American eagle (yuck) or anything like that, just I don’t know something! He hated it. (My fault for trying to change someone)

**Funny, because the mother fucker is such a hipster now. No joke, he makes hipsters look well, I don’t know (what’s the opposite of hipster) He is a mother fucking label wearing, over the top hipster. I mean this guy works at a writing coffee shop and works with craft beer. Also, teaches music to kids! He needs a stamp on his ass, “100% hipster.”

———-

Also, his parents hated me. I’ve never had people hate me so much. I never really gave them a reason to hate me too. I mean I’m not going to toot my own horn, but I’m a pretty nice and sweet person. But I was dating their only child, only son! Plus he’s mom was a clown. So there. Case solved. No joke, she was a clown, like the shit kids have nightmares about. She also didn’t understand what conversations must feel like for someone dealing with auditory processing disorder. She thought I was rude. I thought I was shy and terrified to say the wrong things. To come across as dumb.

————

 I wasn’t always emotionally available. I was private and didn’t have serious conversations. He told me, “I was fun.”

There was definitely a lack of understanding to what my learning disability created for me. He struggled with the fact that I didn’t cry much. (funny because I’m opposite now) when I did cry I don’t think he could handle it. He couldn’t handle the pain I felt. I don’t think he ever really understood that. But I can’t blame him, he was only a kid.

Of course like must my boyfriends I would later find out he broke up with me because he had a crush of my friend. Also, two weeks after we broke up and he told me,  “he didn’t want a girlfriend for awhile” he ended up with this girl who was new to our school. (I guess the classic lines never get old).


Sex with Adam

We did break up but towards the end of senior year we did get back together for a bit. About 5 months. He went to college near our hometown and I was going to junior college. I did end the relationship (because I liked someone else-boyfriend number 3) but Adam had already ended in many ways. He was always busy and never had time for me. He definitely pulled the if I’m a shitty boyfriend she’ll break up with me card.

Sex was terrible with him. I think we did it twice. It was bad. Like it didn’t fit. Not like he was huge by any means. I’ve had bigger, like a lot bigger. But I think my vagina was trying to stop the sex. Like my body knew it didn’t want it to happen. Can you imagine if my vagina could talk? Adam still stands as the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t even know if he came…I know I didn’t and if he says otherwise, well. we all know. (I faked it)

Vagina: Please! Please! No!!! You don’t really want this! NOOOO not that dick, please not his dick!

Adam still stands as the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t even know if he came…I know I didn’t and if he says otherwise, well. we all know. (I faked it)

**Oh, on a weird side note: This is the ex I had a threesome with. Weird right? I know but yep. My senior year of high school, threesome, every mans dream happened to him at like what? 18? Wasteful!


Did I love him? Well, what love meant to high school me., so yes I did. He wasn’t always the best but when it came down to it he never yelled at me, never was emotionally or physically abusive and he did do some pretty sweet things. At the end of the day, I was on his mind.

Adam, the high school sweetheart. Thanks for being a pretty decent guy. I wish you well and I know you would say the same for me.

We stayed in touch for a few years afterward. We use to text each other on birthdays. That hasn’t happened in a long time. We had drinks with another friend like 3 years ago. But other than that we don’t talk. I’m not sad by this at all. I’ve realized though Adam was a pretty nice boyfriend, he also created a lot of my insecurities and fear of parents, definitely fear of parents is thanks to his family. Still to this day I hate meeting the parents.

So one last time “Happy Birthday Adam.”

Through Lungs

Are there certain thoughts you don’t talk to anyone about? Do most people go through their day without so much as a word about how they’re really feeling? I know at least I do.

I know at least this describes myself.

Most my friends would be shocked to hear me utter ” I’m a really shy person.”  I was a really shy kid in a very large family. Both my parents have four siblings, which adds up a lot of cousins and large dinner events. I was the kid in the family that needed to warm up before I would start chatting. Actually this still rings true a bit. I’ve had many professors ask me, “what are thinking about?” Always noticing my wheels turning but saying nothing. Also, many acquaintances have taken my silence and shy behaviour as rude behaviour on my part. When they themselves lack the proper understanding: that I’m shy, that I struggle with a learning disability and social cues haven’t always been a natural development. I’m a more watch and learn kind of a person. So I’ve always kept to myself more.

I’ve had numerous ex’s (at the time boyfriends) inform me I’m more the “fun girl” the “happy go lucky lady” and I lack a certain level of depth. Which I know is not true but I do carry the trait of keeping feelings hidden from even the closest of friends. Hiding who I was started young. Not telling which level of math I was in. Not wanting to example where I was for half the day. Hiding the fact that I felt stupid and didn’t feel normal. I think on some level I still hid parts of myself.

I mean here I am, writing through anonymous blog.

Here I am letting past ex’s justify the reasons why I’m not worth their time.

So back to my question: Are their certain thoughts you never share with anyone? Do you go days, months, even years feeling a certain way and never expressing it?

I do. Has this to do with my relationship with language. Absolutely. Has writing poetry and being involved in speech and Debate helped? Without a doubt in my mind. But I still spend a good chunk of my day stewing in my thoughts.

Maybe one of these I’ll take that deep breathe in and speak my mind aloud.