January 19th, 2015
In high school, my coach would remind us whenever we were having an awful day that we needed the rainy days too. In a very cheesy image of how we’re growing up and we not only we need sunny days, but we need rainy days to grow too. As cheesy as this little phrase is I used it last week for one of my debate students who broke down crying at the end of class.
Today was a rainy day:
I woke up feeling under the weather. I’ve been battling not getting a cold, but feeling like I’m on the brink of a bad cold. This morning I felt really sick. (Don’t worry after large amounts of tea, oatmeal and Mucinex I felt better mid-day) Also, I went hiking twice over the weekend. Very long, hilly hikes so I woke up pretty sore.
Then my mom asked us if we wanted to go visit our Grandmother tomorrow. She’s slipping in and out of conciseness now. A chunk of my family members visited with her earlier in the day and she wasn’t really all there. So we’re going to see her tomorrow and I’m going to say goodbye.
I went into work early today. It’s a holiday so I had private tutoring sessions since there wasn’t regular classes today. But my boss was on a (trying to fix holes at work) mood and she’s a bit intense. She also loves to walk in the middle of sessions, to have conversations. Next thing I know as my two students were taking their vocabulary test I started to silently cry. I stopped myself soon enough before it got out of hand.
Finally after work I jumped into my car and just broke down crying. Then I started singing along with the radio because singing always made me feel better in high school.
*Note: When I’m upset about one thing it tends to snowball into a lot of things. Or all the things I was bottling up finally pour out. (I’m really trying to work on this) But I still do this all the time. So one minute I’m upset about my grandmother, next I’m crying about how shitty of a teacher I am, how I can’t do any of this, because I start thinking about how exhausting my learning disability is everyday, then I think I can’t get into an MFA program because I’m so shitty at spelling and grammar and words in general and then I think I can’t write, because I haven’t written a good poem in weeks, that I haven’t had time to submit anything new in two weeks, how I’ve been rejected a boat load of times the past week, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am, how badly I wish I could just call somebody. How badly I miss love.
I just start repeating to myself “it’s just a rainy day. I’m just having a bad day. It’s just a bad day, in a few hours, everything will be better.”
Then I pull thru a Mcdonalds drive thru and order a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.
And then I felt better.
Today was a rainy day. So I’m hoping for a few nice sunny days soon. Maybe put aside some time for my poems and my submissions.