Rainy Days

January 19th, 2015

In high school, my coach would remind us whenever we were having an awful day that we needed the rainy days too. In a very cheesy image of how we’re growing up and we not only we need sunny days, but we need rainy days to grow too. As cheesy as this little phrase is I used it last week for one of my debate students who broke down crying at the end of class.

Today was a rainy day:

I woke up feeling under the weather. I’ve been battling not getting a cold, but feeling like I’m on the brink of a bad cold. This morning I felt really sick. (Don’t worry after large amounts of tea, oatmeal and Mucinex I felt better mid-day) Also, I went hiking twice over the weekend. Very long, hilly hikes so I woke up pretty sore.

Then my mom asked us if we wanted to go visit our Grandmother tomorrow. She’s slipping in and out of conciseness now. A chunk of my family members visited with her earlier in the day and she wasn’t really all there. So we’re going to see her tomorrow and I’m going to say goodbye.

I went into work early today. It’s a holiday so I had private tutoring sessions since there wasn’t regular classes today. But my boss was on a (trying to fix holes at work) mood and she’s a bit intense. She also loves to walk in the middle of sessions, to have conversations. Next thing I know as my two students were taking their vocabulary test I started to silently cry. I stopped myself soon enough before it got out of hand.

Finally after work I jumped into my car and just broke down crying. Then I started singing along with the radio because singing always made me feel better in high school.

*Note: When I’m upset about one thing it tends to snowball into a lot of things. Or all the things I was bottling up finally pour out. (I’m really trying to work on this) But I still do this all the time. So one minute I’m upset about my grandmother, next I’m crying about how shitty of a teacher I am, how I can’t do any of this, because I start thinking about how exhausting my learning disability is everyday, then I think I can’t get into an MFA program because I’m so shitty at spelling and grammar and words in general and then I think  I can’t write, because I haven’t written a good poem in weeks, that I haven’t had time to submit anything new in two weeks, how I’ve been rejected a boat load of times the past week, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am, how badly I wish I could just call somebody. How badly I miss love.

I just start repeating to myself “it’s just a rainy day. I’m just having a bad day. It’s just a bad day, in a few hours, everything will be better.”

Then I pull thru a Mcdonalds drive thru and order a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

And then I felt better.


Today was a rainy day. So I’m hoping for a few nice sunny days soon. Maybe put aside some time for my poems and my submissions.

Tree Star Tattoo Dude


LittlefootAbouttoEatTreestarThis was a pretty short lived hook-up.


Again I met him through my roommate. He went to college for art and photographer. He went to a pretty nice university for the arts too, but he wasn’t really working on it. Lacked passion in his art. Kind of lazy about it. He was almost 30 and really didn’t have any future plans.

A messy person too.

We spoke a lot online, chatting and we ran into each other at the local bars. He had a beard and was pretty interesting. I wasn’t super physically attracted to him but he was funny and we also seemed to have nice conversations.

He had a few tattoos, one was of someone’s voice rate, he had something else on his leg I think and then finally his other arm he had a tattoo of The Land Before Time, Tree Star. Yep.

Of course, in the middle of the night I drove 35 minutes to his place.

He was a very sloppy kisser. ugh I hate that.

Now I’m a firm believer that kissing is a pre-curser to how sex will be/chemistry. Which brings me to the idea that I don’t think anyone is a bad kisser: I just think bad kissing has to do with chemistry and emotion connection, plus how sex will be between two people.

So basically he was sloppy with me, but I’m sure with other women he may have been a great kisser. Just not for me.

That was basically the story. Just a hook-up. And I left thinking how this wasn’t going to work out. I mean the kissing said it all and I should have stopped there but…you know. Girls gotta eat.

Besides the kissing Peter made me feel like how Jacob made me feel. I felt dirty. A piece of meat. There was no romance, no caring touch or the warm of a smile. It was just pleasure and I was just a breathing toy with flesh.



The Most Awkward Guy


This was lesson #1 that just because someone is 30 doesn’t mean they’re more put together than the 21-year-olds I’ve had sex with.

He was an”in between” guy I only saw for about a week until I realized this is a mess.

I met Jacob through my friend/roommate at the time. We still say hi in passing if we run into each other when I’m visiting town. We don’t chat or anything really. not like we talked that much when we were messing around.

Sweet guy, but just off for some reason. I really can’t put my finger on it.

He was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong but there was something uncomfortable about being naked in front of him. I’ve never really felt dirty in front of a guy, never really felt like a live action porn clip. I can name like three other guys that made me feel like this and Jacob is one of them.

Something in the pace of his breathing, the way his hands rubbed me and he was a terrible kisser too. Sloppy and no control. I don’t know how to put this, but I felt like a piece of meat and he was really hungry.

I never enjoyed being close with him, craving to lay down and let him hold me. I remember on Halloween I stayed for a bit and we were about to have sex but he didn’t have a condom and I was like, “What? You knew I was coming over to the party tonight.”

We were talking about how many people we’ve has sex with, you know just a basic sex chat. At the time, I think I had been with five or six guys. (That number is ummm…well it grew fast) Jacob claimed to have had sex with over 30 people. HA! I was like no fucking way! He can barely carry on a conversation, how did that happen. Then I thought, “well I’m here naked so I should shut up.”


So that was Jacob. Not exciting and really awkward.

Entering the DIgital Word, One Ball Gag at a Time

Two weeks ago I entered the “digital world” as my one friend puts it.

I finally have a smart phone.


and not just any smartphone but the new IPhone 6 Plus. 

I didn’t just enter the digital world, but I smashed open the door and had sex with it on the dining room table. It’s been pretty nice too. I have really enjoyed my new smart phone.

But I noticed a week later that I struggled to get my phone’s camera to focus on far away images. Causing this terrible fuzzy/blurry look.

After returning home out West and a day of dealing with my customer service anxiety I went into Verizon. They barely look at the phone and tell me to make my way over to the Apple store at the local mall. Mind you, this mall has gotten a lot fancier over the years. Like when I was a kid it was just another mall, with a few select stores I wanted to visit. Now it has these wood floors, glass everywhere and the most high class Christmas decor. It’s a bit stressful for me in my cut up shirt, tight jeans, flip-flops, with messed up hair.

Still I make my way into the Apple Store. And after going through two employees, I make my way to the Genius table. Not super busy, so I get seen right away. Nice guy, but he seems to be high strung like me.

As he’s looking through my camera, he goes through pictures and various other things like and comes across a very well-focused image of a ball gag that was sent to me. He says,” oops, well you must be fun..” Then kind of nervously laughs and lets me know something is wrong with my camera on the phone and they will do a full replacement.


How did that picture get there??

Well, I was out of town last week like I said. Visiting friends and celebrating my little brother’s graduation. Long story short (Post to come later) I met up with a wonderful man (who had no clue I was attracted to him) I thought I was rather clear, but my clear is well….

But anyways I told him and we made out, it was great and umm how do I put this. This picture was sent to me by him. Kind of like a promo for a movie or like when Verizon puts out a promo like “Buy this phone and you could get this other phone for free.” So it was like, “Come spend time with me and you could see this.”

That’s the short version of how that picture got on my phone.

And how the guy named Chuck at the Apple Store saw this said picture.

Thank goodness I don’t embarrass easy and I thought this would be the end of the picture mishap. OOOOOHH I was so wrong.

SO I go into Apple today to trade in phone that’s not working well, with a brand new one. My mom comes with me because I say, yeah let’s hang out Mom! This guy who is helping set up my new phone (who my mother has deemed cute) he comes across the photo and is like oh and my mom sees it and says, “I thought Jennifer Lawerance nude photos would have taught you.” I want to facepalm, but I just laugh and the guy laughs. THEN MY MOTHER SAYS, “Whoever sent you that, well you should date him. He must be fun.” I say, “let us never speak of this again.”

Mind you that the Apple store must have been really into the Awesome Mix from The Guardians of the Galaxy because this song was playing over and over on the speakers during the whole situation. 

And I now have my new iPhone Plus, the Camera works and I can’t delete that damn photos. My damn iCloud won’t let me.

So here’s to probably more weird picture encounters at phone stores

And my mother trying to get me out of the house.





My life in December

Top six new songs I’m obsessed with:

  1. Youth by Daughters
  2. Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars (Bruno Mars always looks like one of my Ex’s…full of himself like my Ex too)
  3. Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Swede (Always enjoy this song)
  4. Dance Apocalyptic by Janelle Monae
  5. I Want You Like a Seatbelt by Chadwick Stokes
  6. United States of Pop 2014 by DJ Earworm (mashup)–I always enjoy these I think simply because in speech I use to put together different poems and stories into one program. So I think these just get my speech high off. (Not masturbating to this FYI)

Three of my poems came out this month! That was nice. January I have another poem coming out too. One of the poems that came out this month was a very big national publishing company. As big as you can get if you’re a slam poet. All my favorite slam poets are in the book alongside my poem. That’s pretty fucking badass. I haven’t told many people about it because I was worried the longest time they would change their mind and not want my poem anymore. (Anxiety). But it came out and it’s badass. I didn’t have this publishing company on my goals list because I hadn’t even gotten to that point to consider them. If you’re a slam poet, this is the publishing company you want to get into and it’s cool to say I my little piece in.

Screen shot 2014-12-17 at 4.09.10 AM
Those Visual Poems (Working on a few still)

I went to visit one of my best friends last weekend and she got me into this TV show: Black Mirrors. I’m enjoying it much more than I thought I would. Oh AND MY FINALLY CAUGHT UP ON THE WALKING DEAD! THANK GOODNESS!

This book was fucking amazing: Aim For the Head. A wonderful anthology full of zombie poetry. Fucking badass! I have been searching for months now for good poetry about zombies and this book takes the cake for the best zombie poetry.

I finally had a cake pop. OMG, WHERE HAVE I BEEN! My new favorite thing! These coconut ones I tried were fucking awesome. I’m almost ok with the fact that I haven’t had sex…

BUT I still I haven’t had sex in a year…FML


I Cry at Dog Funerals

I have this terrible infliction, or quirk I guess? A quality one possesses and you hope others find it endearing, cute, all those fucking sweet, honey and sugar synonyms to describe a cute gal pal.

I cry when animals die. Sounds, normal right? Anyone would be sad if a puppy died, or your pet of 10 years passed away. Yeah, take it to the next level. Not only do I cry when animals die but the personification of an animal is so moving I cry. Like this short film for example:

I just cried and cried the whole damn time.

Other moments in film and TV I cried when no one else did:

  1. Two Brothers (Cried when I realized the mother tiger wasn’t dead) (Also the scene when they first showed the two different worlds the brother grew up in)
  2. When the dog Chin-Chin dies in Gilmore Girls
  3. Marley and Me (Ok i know a lot of people cried when the dog dies but my boyfriend of the time had fallen asleep half way through and woke up to me crying and was like, “whats wrong?!” Through my gasping for air I said, “Marley didn’t make it.”
  4. The 2013 Budweiser Super Bowl Ad with the guy and the horse. (Cried a whole lot)
  5. When the Dog from I am Legend dies. (I think the dog in the book is even more sad too)
  6. My Dog Skipwhen skip dies at the end.
  7. The Opening scene to Finding Nemo. The music for the opening always makes me cry too. I love that little bit of music so much!
  8. The ending to Homeward Bound!
  9. Dumbo cries for his mom. SAD! I always cry.
  10. Oh my God, when Littlefoot’s mom dies.
  11. As a child, I had an attachment to stuffed animals. I had a lot of them and struggled to give them away. You know what I thought? They wouldn’t be taken care of and they would miss me!

I’m going to stop there because I’ll just keep thinking of sad animal movies and cartoons.

Yeah, let’s end this sad post with a sad GIF