Blankets

For those that read about my Monday (rainy day) I’m happy to report my Tuesday was much better.

I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. I think she’s on the edge. She was literally skin and bones and she was a bit out of it. But it was a nice visit. She didn’t yell or complain and she just sat and told stories. Must of the family gets mean, upset grandmother but when its just my brother and I in the room she’s very sweet and loves to tell us stories. I was  relieved to realize I think a lot of my pain and frustration was the need to say goodbye. I really hate death, I avoid it at all cost. Now let me reframe that. I’m not scared of death in the sense of, a fear of dying. I just hate funerals, I hate seeing someone in pain, especially the funerals. I’ve faked sick to miss a memorial or two. I Just hate sitting in a church crying over a picture. I never want that if I die. I would hate the idea that people gather around in a church to cry over me. I would much rather them go outside and enjoy the day and tell stories. But I’m really glad I went to see my grandmother and I got to tell her I love her. I needed that and I know I made her day a little bit better so that helps too.

Afterward, I had a nice lunch with my mom and little brother and then headed over to work. I was lucky and got off work an hour early and decided to stop by this cute little bookstore. I always see it on my drive home and my boss goes there often to buy books for work and for her own kids. This little old lady runs the store and she barely speaks English, but I swear she must be a wizard.

I walked into the bookstore and I guess on Tuesday and Thursday she wraps up used books throughout the shop and dares customers to buy them without knowing what they are. I do remember my bosses kids mentioning this to me. I walked in and I said hello to the little old lady and walked around.

One moment I was looking at used poetry books and the next thing I know I was scared but the old lady, who is a foot shorter than me. She was holding a large wrapped book and she kept repeating, “you could use this book.” I tried to ask why? And she said, “you could us this.” She even dropped te price for me.

I had no idea what the book was, but it was heavy and big. (So many dirty jokes went through my mind during the car drive home). I didn’t get to open till a bit later, but finally got around to unwrapping it and I was shocked!

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Blankets by Craig Thompson

I wasn’t entirely sure if this was the book I had heard of a few times by someone who loves it, but I figured out the next day and I kind of sat in awe for 15 minutes and then started to wonder if this was a real bookstore or if she was magic. It was really weird, shocking and wonderful in one giant feeling.

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I consumed this book pretty damn fast and each moment was really wonderful. I haven’t felt like that reading in a long time. I was so happy after reading Blankets. I know it’s a bit sad and thought provoking, but everything in the story felt so sincere and heartwarming and I don’t feel that enough in my daily routine. It was refreshing to read about young love and questioning faith. I wish I had better words to describe this book and I feel guilty not having the words, because I should being a hopeful writer but the book should take it as a compliment that I’m spending time talking about it. I only talk about books I love, so their book.

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So if you still need to know, Tuesday was a gift. I’m so grateful.

Rainy Days

January 19th, 2015

In high school, my coach would remind us whenever we were having an awful day that we needed the rainy days too. In a very cheesy image of how we’re growing up and we not only we need sunny days, but we need rainy days to grow too. As cheesy as this little phrase is I used it last week for one of my debate students who broke down crying at the end of class.

Today was a rainy day:

I woke up feeling under the weather. I’ve been battling not getting a cold, but feeling like I’m on the brink of a bad cold. This morning I felt really sick. (Don’t worry after large amounts of tea, oatmeal and Mucinex I felt better mid-day) Also, I went hiking twice over the weekend. Very long, hilly hikes so I woke up pretty sore.

Then my mom asked us if we wanted to go visit our Grandmother tomorrow. She’s slipping in and out of conciseness now. A chunk of my family members visited with her earlier in the day and she wasn’t really all there. So we’re going to see her tomorrow and I’m going to say goodbye.

I went into work early today. It’s a holiday so I had private tutoring sessions since there wasn’t regular classes today. But my boss was on a (trying to fix holes at work) mood and she’s a bit intense. She also loves to walk in the middle of sessions, to have conversations. Next thing I know as my two students were taking their vocabulary test I started to silently cry. I stopped myself soon enough before it got out of hand.

Finally after work I jumped into my car and just broke down crying. Then I started singing along with the radio because singing always made me feel better in high school.

*Note: When I’m upset about one thing it tends to snowball into a lot of things. Or all the things I was bottling up finally pour out. (I’m really trying to work on this) But I still do this all the time. So one minute I’m upset about my grandmother, next I’m crying about how shitty of a teacher I am, how I can’t do any of this, because I start thinking about how exhausting my learning disability is everyday, then I think I can’t get into an MFA program because I’m so shitty at spelling and grammar and words in general and then I think  I can’t write, because I haven’t written a good poem in weeks, that I haven’t had time to submit anything new in two weeks, how I’ve been rejected a boat load of times the past week, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am, how badly I wish I could just call somebody. How badly I miss love.

I just start repeating to myself “it’s just a rainy day. I’m just having a bad day. It’s just a bad day, in a few hours, everything will be better.”

Then I pull thru a Mcdonalds drive thru and order a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

And then I felt better.

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Today was a rainy day. So I’m hoping for a few nice sunny days soon. Maybe put aside some time for my poems and my submissions.