Confessions Between Ladies

I went out for dinner and drinks Wednesday night with my best friend. A much-needed catch-up time since she’s been busy dealing buying a townhouse with her finace and I’ve been a crying, messy poetry hermit.

I’m not sure how we ended up on the subject (perhaps the maragtrias) but we ended up talking about all the things women do, but we never really admit to. It just so happens that hours after hanging out I saw a list of things women do but don’t talk about.

Now I somewhat agree to this list and I think depending on one’s own pet peeves and personal preferences some of these are either, “oh, yeah, I do that all the time” or “omg, gross no…I have limits.” For example, the article had, “turning underwear inside out because you ran out of clean ones.” No, have you been a woman? That fabric is all up in there, turning it inside out will do nothing for you. I say, “no clean underwear? Well, the perfect reason to go commando.

A list of things my friend and I admit to doing:

  1. Wearing the a pair of jeans three times before you wash them. (If they don’t smell, why wash them?)
  2. Febreze-ing or spraying perfume on your jeans (Just in case they smell a little…you never know)
  3. Spilling salsa or guacamole on your shirt and removing it with a tortilla chip (this is me…all the time.)
  4. A bowl of cheese or a stick of cheese. My friend and I did this all the time in the Midwest. I even bought a separte brick of cheese, that was only for me. I called it, “my snack cheese.”
  5. The boob hold. I am the queen of the boob hold that one time I accidently start just holding my boob in front of my guy friend (outside my shirt, of course). But holding your boob is wonderful. It’s great for reading or pondering life in bed.
  6. Not washing bras enough. (I mean have you ever had to?) It sucks.
  7. Yes, Missy Elliot is the music for dancing in your underwear.
  8. No, girls don’t have pillow fights, but I have been apart of a few spin the bottle games.
  9. My friend went to a bachelorette party and saw someone’s underwear gift was little mermaid underwear, so she went out and bought some and she says they are the most comfortable underwear. Actually she was wearing them during our talk.
  10. The quick and silent poop in public. This is a gift I’m sure all women are born with.
  11. Pants day? Long Sleeve day? Probably mean we didn’t shave.
  12. I don’t know if anyone else does this, but since I’m single and not having sex, underwear selection isn’t a big deal. But I know when it’s time to do laundry because I’m stuck wearing all my nice lacy underwear. The last few days have been a blur of lacy reds, purple tied together with lacy ribbons and lacy black thongs. I need to do my laundry.
  13. I do have “period underwear” a select group of underwear that are on their way out of my life but before I throw them away they are go to when I’m bleeding out of my orifice.
  14. One of my old roommates came up to me before we moved out and said the greatest lesson she learned from me was the art of cleaning one’s room before a man came over. She said she’ll always remember what I told her, “hide your pillow pet, because what you’re about to do, no pillow pet should see.”
  15. Women tell each other everything about the guys they’ve been with. Of course depending on the level of friendship certain things may be left out. But believe me, if I have a close friend, they know the good kissers from the sloppy kisser I’ve experienced. They know the embarrassing stories and the bad sex.

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My Spirit Animal

There are all these people I wish could be my spirit animal and they almost are/kind of are but not.

Like Liz Lemon. I would love to say she’s my spirit animal. And she kind of is but not really. Yes, we share a love of food and a sad dating life but we have such different ways of going about humor.

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People tell me Phoebe from Friends a lot. And I get it. I’m weird, she’s weird. But I like meat and she never puts her clothes on wrong.

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Also, I think a close second would be Garfield the cat. You know he’s orange. I have red hair. We both love food. But he can’t be my spirit animal because I don’t love lasagna.

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But my true spirit animal is Amy Cohen. 

I love the ending few lines:

“I thought about how in addition to the Breast Cancer gene we share another gene and that’s the resilience gene, and that’s the gene that I hope will define me and everything I do for the rest of my life, and for that I could not feel more fortunate.”

Easter Sunday Sex (He has Risen! Wait, give it a minute! Ok, now we’re good!)

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A month after Chance stopped talking to me I was still pretty bummed out. Seeing Chance with this new girl, who he hooked-up this over spring break didn’t help matters. It was Easter weekend and all my roommates went home to visit. But I didn’t go home (far away). Same with Tina and my other friend. We decided to go out drinking. I decided to Facebook my roommates friend Joel. I kind of knew Joel. I wasn’t ever planning on hooking up with him. I just knew he wasn’t going to visit home until the morning on Easter Sunday. He was working so he had to stay until the day of, so I thought it would be nice to see if he wanted drinks.


Background Story:

For those that haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a BIG OLD FLIRT! I’m very comfortable talking about sex and I enjoy talking about sex.

During a late birthday party downtown, I got really drunk. We were dancing at a bar and then next thing my friend Tina knew I was gone. I guess I walked to the bar next door to chat with my roommates who I knew were drinking there. Joel and two other guys were there and I was being chatty with them. Tina found me talking with them all, about all the kinky stuff I liked, tying me up, anal, handcuffs, the list goes on and on. You name it, I said it.

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Then Tina came over and found me. Then Tina and I made out and then we said “see you guys later” and walked away.

Tina wasn’t as drunk and she remembers after we made out and walked away she had never seen so many guys just sit in amazement with their mouths open. I remember Tina saying, “It was like a cartoon.”

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Another night: I was upset about Chance and I was playing a drinking game at my house (roommates had a party) I had to remove a piece of clothing. So I took off my white undershirt. I was wearing a white lace top and you could see my bra. This other guy (who I would hook-up with was like, “I can see your bra.” Oh, that guy….ugh Mess!

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1AM (Easter Sunday) 

It’s all a blur how Joel and I ended up hooking up.

I think I was texting him.

OH! I remember I was in my room with Tina and I was crying (a little drunk) over Chance. I was still very upset. Tina had left at this point and I had unlocked the back door. Joel came up to my room and we had sex. Well, it was a bit of a struggle. There was a lot of drinking that night and well you know where I’m going and ejection issues. But we finally had sex. It was anything magical.

But Joel was sweet. We laid together for a bit. Then he had to leave because he needed to get ready for the long drive home for Easter Sunday. I remember he kissed me, covered me with blankets and was sweet.

The next day I would find a bite mark on the back of my leg and I knew God was trying to tell me, “Really? Sex on Easter? You have all the other days”. Well, Maybe Christmas would be weird too.


There would be a series of issues to why we never ended up dating. Though we both wanted to. The timing was never right.

  • I got nervous and slept with his friend (post to come) this bugged him (some stupid bro code)
  • He was still hung up on my roommate (he had a crush on her for years, she had been stringing him on for years)
  • He was struggling in school
  • I was struggling in trusting someone

We almost had everything worked out  and we had planned on trying to date. But then it just all fell apart. I was really disappointed. I remember that night I was crying in the shower and I just kind of collapsed with the water still on. I was losing all hope and still dealing with a lot of past pain. I would hook-up with my Fuck Buddy that night. That was the night I ended up in the wrong bed.

2015

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Remember! Friends is on Netflix now!

I don’t necessarily enjoy holidays, but I thought I would post a little something on January 1st. Mainly because I’m up late tonight (the latest I’ve been up in two weeks) But not because I went out drinking. I stayed in this year. I had a bunch of submission deadlines and edits to work on. Also, my very drunk brother needed someone to pick him up.

Before I go into anything else I wanted to shout out to everyone who reads my blog, comments and likes a post. It really does mean a lot. To know people are reading my post, enjoy my writing and continue to enjoy my writing. It’s nice to know nice people are out there. 

Thank you, everyone. 

Like I said, I had a few last minute deadlines for a few journals and I don’t know I didn’t feel like going out this year. I went out last year, had fun. But this year I was very content sitting at home stressing over poems and drinking champagne and finally started watching Orange is the New Black. 

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Then around 1AM my very drunk brother calls and needs a ride from downtown. So I hop into my car and take off. BUT as I’m turning on my car “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry comes right on!

For those that don’t know I really love masturbating to this song, but it’s really hard to enjoy this song in other situations, like driving in my car. Most the time I just laugh and say, “fuck my life.”

So I get downtown and call my brother to let him know where I’m at and he’s throwing up as I’m on the phone with him. *Magical* Then he finds my car and the car ride home smells of whiskey and cigarettes and he continues to sing the songs on the radio. On the way back home, the radio station decides to announce the top 10 music videos of 2014. What’s number #1? OH THATS RIGHT! DARK HORSE and they play the song and my poor drunk brother is like, “ah…NOOOO!” Then I watch my brother struggle to get out of my car as he sings to a Taylor Swift song.

And that was my night. 

I’m still up, watching Orange is the New Black. I’m not sure if I’ll masturbate tonight. I’ve done a bit the last two days so I’m feeling pretty good.

Here’s to 2015

Maybe I’ll have sex this year…