“What is a Happiness Jar?The simplest thing in the world. You get yourself a jar (or a box or a vessel of any kind) and every day, at the end of the day, you grab a slip of paper and write down on it the happiest moment of the day. On bad days, I will thrust my fist in that jar and go fishing — pulling up a handful of great moments that I would have utterly forgotten, had I not documented them.” -Elizabeth Gilbert
I’ve been thinking of starting a happiness jarfor a few months now and I finally got around to finding a little jar. I found this cute little jar on sale at Target and for five days now I’ve dropped in a little happy moment of my day..It’s been nice to think about a happy moment in my day. It really picks up a bad day or pushes me to continue the positive vibe of the day. I really needed this jar. This last week has been rough, this last month has been rough. I hadn’t mentioned anything yet, but my Grandmother passed away very recently.
I really like the idea of looking back at memories I would have otherwise forgotten, but these little memories did brighten up my day. That’s really special, to remember the smaller moments. It’s those moments that propel us towards the big achievements in life.
For those that read about my Monday (rainy day) I’m happy to report my Tuesday was much better.
I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. I think she’s on the edge. She was literally skin and bones and she was a bit out of it. But it was a nice visit. She didn’t yell or complain and she just sat and told stories. Must of the family gets mean, upset grandmother but when its just my brother and I in the room she’s very sweet and loves to tell us stories. I was relieved to realize I think a lot of my pain and frustration was the need to say goodbye. I really hate death, I avoid it at all cost. Now let me reframe that. I’m not scared of death in the sense of, a fear of dying. I just hate funerals, I hate seeing someone in pain, especially the funerals. I’ve faked sick to miss a memorial or two. I Just hate sitting in a church crying over a picture. I never want that if I die. I would hate the idea that people gather around in a church to cry over me. I would much rather them go outside and enjoy the day and tell stories. But I’m really glad I went to see my grandmother and I got to tell her I love her. I needed that and I know I made her day a little bit better so that helps too.
Afterward, I had a nice lunch with my mom and little brother and then headed over to work. I was lucky and got off work an hour early and decided to stop by this cute little bookstore. I always see it on my drive home and my boss goes there often to buy books for work and for her own kids. This little old lady runs the store and she barely speaks English, but I swear she must be a wizard.
I walked into the bookstore and I guess on Tuesday and Thursday she wraps up used books throughout the shop and dares customers to buy them without knowing what they are. I do remember my bosses kids mentioning this to me. I walked in and I said hello to the little old lady and walked around.
One moment I was looking at used poetry books and the next thing I know I was scared but the old lady, who is a foot shorter than me. She was holding a large wrapped book and she kept repeating, “you could use this book.” I tried to ask why? And she said, “you could us this.” She even dropped te price for me.
I had no idea what the book was, but it was heavy and big. (So many dirty jokes went through my mind during the car drive home). I didn’t get to open till a bit later, but finally got around to unwrapping it and I was shocked!
I wasn’t entirely sure if this was the book I had heard of a few times by someone who loves it, but I figured out the next day and I kind of sat in awe for 15 minutes and then started to wonder if this was a real bookstore or if she was magic. It was really weird, shocking and wonderful in one giant feeling.
I consumed this book pretty damn fast and each moment was really wonderful. I haven’t felt like that reading in a long time. I was so happy after reading Blankets. I know it’s a bit sad and thought provoking, but everything in the story felt so sincere and heartwarming and I don’t feel that enough in my daily routine. It was refreshing to read about young love and questioning faith. I wish I had better words to describe this book and I feel guilty not having the words, because I should being a hopeful writer but the book should take it as a compliment that I’m spending time talking about it. I only talk about books I love, so their book.
So if you still need to know, Tuesday was a gift. I’m so grateful.
Last night I actually remember one of my dreams very vividly. Now I will say I’ve had A LOT of…umm getting tied up sex dreams this sex <—-this is a fucking typo I caught before I posted this, but I left it because it’s a fine example of a Freudian slip. I meant to say, “this week!”
So, I’ve had A LOT of sex dreams this week and they are getting much kinkier by the minute. I’m sure if I was hot soup in a microwave I would have exploded by now.
But this last dream last night was weird:
The dream from what I remembered started when I was driving. I was leaving Virginia and somehow leaving Virginia leads right to South Dakota. Half of the time I was nervous about driving, like I was going to crash, but I didn’t. Then I saw I was coming up onto Crazy Horse monument. (Mind you I’ve been to South Dakota and seen each of these places in person.) Next I made my way up to Mount Rushmore and a rest stop that reminded me more of a rest stop near Zion. As I was driving into the rest stop and I saw wolves on the side of the road howling and running. One of the wolves was looking at me right in the eyes. Next thing I know I’m at the rest stop with two dogs walking around and then I woke up.
I know the dream doesn’t sound so exciting, but it was rather beautiful during the whole dream and I felt different from how I feel in most of my dreams. I felt peaceful. Most of the time my dreams consist of: I’m scared, getting attack or I’m crying.
January has started out pretty well. I finally got most of my classes lined up I’m teaching, which is a relief. I’m going to start a yoga class with my best friend (I wanna be flexible again dammit) And I think I’m going to start working out again.
Tonight I got to see my high school Alumni and it was wonderful. I really missed hanging out with my old coach/boss. He’s a really great person and I wouldn’t have gone to college if not for him. It was such a breath of fresh air to network with such caring people. I miss them all so much. I’m so lucky I was apart of such an awesome program.
After my late lunch with the Alumni I had dinner with my brother, my best friend and her fiance. It was so nice to sit with someone who knows me that well. We’ve been friends since 3rd grade. I was sitting in the car trying to explain something and my best friend looks at her fiance (who kind of knows me but not super well yet) and she says, “she’s going to try to use an analogy here…and it won’t make any sense, so don’t try to figure it out.” So refreshing to be around true friends. They know exactly how to make fun of you and you know exactly how to make fun of them.
I feel really good. This year has a good energy so far. I know I will be sad, angry and stressed (already have a bit) and nothing will ever be perfect but I’m going to enjoy this little slice of heaven right now.
A creative mess is better than an idle tidiness
– A toilet stall door in Vancouver’s Arts Club Theatre (Michael J. Fox)