Andrew

In October of 2012 I started blogging (using a different blog) and for those who are still unaware I lost all of my passwords to this older blog. I’m a hot mess but before all that happened I did have this other blog that I started using in October of 2012 and in December of 2012 Andrew emailed me (I think so) I’m not 100% sure, because I can’t check that blogs email anymore (due to the losing of all passwords). But when I did know the passwords to those emails I never really checked them, but I finally did around January and I was shocked to find an email from a person, who was nice and reminded me there’s hope in the world. Well, I emailed him back thanking him for the email and one of the few things I remember from our firsts encounter was how he had forgotten he had even emailed me. (I mean it had been almost two months).

I’m disappointed I lost those passwords because looking back at old emails would have made writing this a bit easier. It’s also difficult to write this particular post because Andrew is one of the few people I know personally who reads this blog and he’s the only one that knows about my blog that I’ve made out with. Wait, that’s not true…I made out with my friend Tina and she knows about this blog.

So Andrew, I’m going to write this knowing you’ll be reading this over and maybe I’ll actually say a few things I’ve never said to you. You’ve probably noticed I hold my cards pretty close to my chest nowadays. (every time I say, “chest” I just think of my boobs).

Andrew was born and grew up in the same town I went to college in. The town I call “my second home.” Of course, he no longer lives there and I was only living there because of school. We live pretty far from each other actually, but the times we did meet up were in his home town when we both happened to be there..

Andrew, I’ve always found you attractive and when I was clever enough to look you up on Facebook (this took a few months) I was like, “ok, cool this is a real person emailing me, who does have a beard and does write and…oh, you were in a relationship. So I moved quickly away from even imagining having sex or making out with you. You know, because before then it seemed like such a plausible idea. (Not) You didn’t live nearby and I never thought you liked me, in the sense of “you want to see me naked across a desk or make out with me.” I always assumed you thought of me as this sad, lost girl trying her best at writing and dating.

But that never stopped me from having a crush on you. Also, my friends made so much fun of me. That’s what friends do, they make fun of you when you have a crush on someone and I would just mention Andrew’s name and BAM:

“Whose Andrew? OOOOHHH Andrew…the writer. Where does he go? Oh, that one school right? Wait, doesn’t he have that picture of the city? Oh yeah, Andrew…he’s the one with the beard right?”

They were relentless. 

We didn’t actually meet face to face until December 2013. I think so, right? You met up with me at that one bar and my friend Valerie was with me. I never told you this but at some point during the night Valerie grabbed ahold of me and said, “you could do better.” 

Which was confusing, because A: You were in a relationship B: You’re attractive C: I didn’t think you liked me that way D: (Due to the facts of A & C), I never pictured I would ever make out with you anyway. Plus I never thought I would see you again. So why she felt the need to inform me about “better” I’ll never understand and for the fifth time Valerie felt the need to say something about someone I was attracted to and when she did approve of someone for me, she either ended up dating them or they were assholes.

But what isn’t there not to like about Andrew? (Using a random weird system, that has no clear-cut setup and is randomly inserted in this post). He’s much taller than me (5pts) He has a beard (20pts) and it’s red (40pts) He did speech and debate! (20pts) Enjoys “my second home” (20pts). He enjoys some kinky ass sex shit (50 pts).

December 2014 we met up again by chance. I had moved away from my “second home,” but I happened to be in town visiting my brother (who was still going to the college there) and Andrew was visiting family for the holidays. Andrew was single by this time and it was enough of a push in my inner workings to at least think about saying something. I had many small conversations with myself about mentioning something or not. (I know you can imagine me rambling on and on in my car asking myself, “Should I just say I find you attractive?” or “I want you to bend me over?”

I didn’t say anything the first night we had drinks. I was hoping he would have noticed my anxiety/nervousness levels around him. I suppose I’m always like that, so how could anyone even tell there was a difference? I did linger outside with him by the cars, but it would have been much easier to just tell me, “I picture you and I having sex all the time.” Driving back to where I was staying I continued the repeating phrase of, “Dammit I’m a mess! Why didn’t I say anything!?”

The second night we met up for drinks I walked out with him carrying on the internal struggle, “should I say something?” It wasn’t until half an hour later, after leaving the bar I got up the nerve to text him and slip in the fact that I wanted to make out with him.

Luckily he’s not in his head, luckily he wanted to kiss me, luckily he decided to drive all the way over to where I was staying. (My brother’s apartment on campus).

It was very romantic when you think about the willingness to drive over to kiss someone, the sweetness in his voice when he called me beautiful or the way he smiled. Then you realize you’re outside the Student Apartment Complex, nicknamed (SAC) which only brings to mind a picture of a man’s testicles. And you feel like you’re in high school again because you have nowhere to go and talk. Only inside a car to make out, which feels even more like high school. 

I suppose this is when a poem or a short story would point out it’s not the place (add crappy detail here), but the people in the place that creates this tone, this feeling (blah, blah, blah crappy poems about place).

Andrew, you are a wonderful man and you have a wonderfully booming voice, soft hands and you care. I’m utterly confused why you would even want to spend time with me.

Then there’s that moment where I sink into the back of my mind and list all the reasons why it doesn’t make sense that anyone would want to spend time with me, let alone go out of their way for me.

We would meet up the night before I was about to fly back home and you didn’t push me to have sex, you cared about me, held me and it was a soft moment. At the end of the night, you were happy to have spent time with me even though it never lead to sex. You said I was beautiful and still I was so confused to why you would want to spend time with me.

I did spend a good portion of the night panicking (I’m sure you noticed). It’s been a long time since I put myself in that position: Lying down with someone, completely sober and trusting someone to be near my naked body.

A part of me is a bit bummed I was stressed and panicked. So I hope maybe I’ll get another chance. I would enjoy seeing you again.

One of my favorite songs

Rainy Days

January 19th, 2015

In high school, my coach would remind us whenever we were having an awful day that we needed the rainy days too. In a very cheesy image of how we’re growing up and we not only we need sunny days, but we need rainy days to grow too. As cheesy as this little phrase is I used it last week for one of my debate students who broke down crying at the end of class.

Today was a rainy day:

I woke up feeling under the weather. I’ve been battling not getting a cold, but feeling like I’m on the brink of a bad cold. This morning I felt really sick. (Don’t worry after large amounts of tea, oatmeal and Mucinex I felt better mid-day) Also, I went hiking twice over the weekend. Very long, hilly hikes so I woke up pretty sore.

Then my mom asked us if we wanted to go visit our Grandmother tomorrow. She’s slipping in and out of conciseness now. A chunk of my family members visited with her earlier in the day and she wasn’t really all there. So we’re going to see her tomorrow and I’m going to say goodbye.

I went into work early today. It’s a holiday so I had private tutoring sessions since there wasn’t regular classes today. But my boss was on a (trying to fix holes at work) mood and she’s a bit intense. She also loves to walk in the middle of sessions, to have conversations. Next thing I know as my two students were taking their vocabulary test I started to silently cry. I stopped myself soon enough before it got out of hand.

Finally after work I jumped into my car and just broke down crying. Then I started singing along with the radio because singing always made me feel better in high school.

*Note: When I’m upset about one thing it tends to snowball into a lot of things. Or all the things I was bottling up finally pour out. (I’m really trying to work on this) But I still do this all the time. So one minute I’m upset about my grandmother, next I’m crying about how shitty of a teacher I am, how I can’t do any of this, because I start thinking about how exhausting my learning disability is everyday, then I think I can’t get into an MFA program because I’m so shitty at spelling and grammar and words in general and then I think  I can’t write, because I haven’t written a good poem in weeks, that I haven’t had time to submit anything new in two weeks, how I’ve been rejected a boat load of times the past week, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am, how badly I wish I could just call somebody. How badly I miss love.

I just start repeating to myself “it’s just a rainy day. I’m just having a bad day. It’s just a bad day, in a few hours, everything will be better.”

Then I pull thru a Mcdonalds drive thru and order a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

And then I felt better.

Crying_icecream_eating

Today was a rainy day. So I’m hoping for a few nice sunny days soon. Maybe put aside some time for my poems and my submissions.