Music for the Month of March

Top 10 For the Month of March

  1. Bottom Of The River by Delta Rae
  2. FourFiveSeconds by Rihanna, Kanye and Paul McCartney
  3. Alone by Trampled by Turtles
  4. Opening by Phillip Glass
  5. Only Love Can Hurt Like This by Paloma Faith
  6. Le Onde by Ludovico Einaudi
  7. Forces of Attraction by Johann Johannsson
  8. O Magnum Mysterium by Morten Lauridsen
  9. We Will All Be Changed by Seryn
  10. Gold Dust by Galentis

I probably get at least four hours of sleep a night now. I can say that I’m out of my writing funk and I think it has to do with my lack of sleep, slowly leaving my job (the one where with my shitty boss) and spending more time with friends. And ok, I’ve been myself off much more this month too…

It’s not like January and February were a complete shit show. I did work my ass off editing a few poems and two of those poems just got accepted. It was another reminder to myself that working through the shitty months pay off. No matter my mood, my attitude I always find the time to write and edit. It’s important to me and I love working on my craft. Actually, I’m a none stop thinker about my writing and I tend to be that kind of personality: A none stop worker when I find something I really love. I was like that in speech and debate and now that’s crossed over into my poetry. Constantly thinking, talking and working.

My best friend is on the night shift, which means I now have a new late night hanging out buddy! Late night movie theater shows, the local coffee house that’s open until 3AM and lots of Netflix. We are also compiling a list of things to do late at night. Which involve, night swimming, open mics, crazy bars, improve shows, etc.

Plus I’m working on my Personal Statement and my friend has taken up cross-stitching, as we talk about are ever impending doom: her likelihood of getting Alzheimer’s and the fact I’m losing my eyesight. We spend numerous nights plotting out a mutual friendship were I’m the memory and she’ll be the eyes someday. Kind of like in the wild with that fish and crab.

I will say I’m my best self on only a few hours of sleep. I do take a few naps from time to time to add a few hours here and there. But one day I only had three hours of sleep and I wrote out a full draft of my personal statement. FINALLY! It only took the lack of sleep to finally pump that draft out. Still needs tweaks before I ask for help because I would like to keep the embarrassment level to a minimum.

But now, it’s time to go sleep for a little bit.

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At the Movies

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Since the Oscars was Sunday I thought I put together a few fun lists about different films, in different categories:

My Some of My favorite films: (I feel like this list changes sometimes)

  1. Pans Labyrinth 
  2. Spirited Away
  3. Amelie
  4. Wall-E 
  5. O Brother, Where Art Thou
  6. Mary and Max
  7. The Descendants
  8. Capote 
  9. Phoebe in Wonderland 
  10. District 9
  11. Frida
  12. Walk the Line
  13. 12 Years a Slave
  14. The Iron Lady
  15. The King’s Speech

Films that scare the shit out of me:

  1. My Amityville horror:  A creepy documentary that I never finished because my friend and I tried watching it at 3AM in our very dark three story house.
  2. The Troll in Central park: I had nightmares as a child that his troll would crawl up into my body. I shit you not, I would not sleep facing the side of my bed facing the wall for 8 years because of this fear.
  3. E.T. (I’m not putting a link in, a link means I have to glimpse at an image) I had a dream as a kid he tried to kill me, so I lived in fear my whole childhood of E.T. and still do.
  4. The Great Mouse Detective: Ok the movie isn’t scary, but there’s a fucking bat in it that scary as shit. Two years ago a bat ended up on my bedroom door and I touched it…full circle.

Some films I enjoy watching (there are pently more I left out)

  1. Midnight in Paris 
  2. Some Like it Hot
  3. Heathers
  4. Psycho 
  5. The Theory of Everything
  6. The Book of Eli
  7. I am Legend (The book was fucking good)
  8. The Dark Knight Rises 
  9. Frankenweenie 
  10. Sense and Sensibility 
  11. The Emperors New Groove: One of the most quoted movies when I lived with my roommates.) Ok, we mostly quoted the flea-box line.
  12. The Rescuers Down Under
  13. The Sword and the Stone: Just a silly movie to laugh at and I’m the red squirrel.
  14. Rio: I will never understand why I love this movie so much.

Films I grew up watching (over and over and over)

  1. My Neighbor Totoro: My all time watched childhood movie!
  2. Wallace and Gromit: Another cornerstone of my childhood and probably why I love cheese so much. Also, watch: A Close Shave & The Wrong Trousers
  3. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: My mom is a huge John Candy fan. So I have seen almost every film he’s been in, over and over and over. John Candy was a large portion of my childhood movies.
  4. The Sound of Music
  5. Winnie the Pooh: Every time I see a bridge I tell my friends we should play pooh sticks and they give me the weirdest look.
  6. Charlotte’s Web 
  7. Lots of Disney movies: My mom always tells I loved to watch Sleeping Beauty and she would ask me why and I would state, “I like Maleficent.”
  8. The Neverending Story 
  9. Gay Purr-ee 
  10. The Land Before Time
  11. The Secret of NIMH: I don’t understand how this film never freaked me out.
  12. Back to the Future 
  13. Jaws
  14. Indiana Jones
  15. Ace Ventura 
  16. Lots of Client Eastwood movies: My dad is a fan of westerns…so lots of westerns.
  17. Wizard of Oz
  18. Jurassic Park
  19. Funny Girl 
  20. Homeward Bound

Confessions Between Ladies

I went out for dinner and drinks Wednesday night with my best friend. A much-needed catch-up time since she’s been busy dealing buying a townhouse with her finace and I’ve been a crying, messy poetry hermit.

I’m not sure how we ended up on the subject (perhaps the maragtrias) but we ended up talking about all the things women do, but we never really admit to. It just so happens that hours after hanging out I saw a list of things women do but don’t talk about.

Now I somewhat agree to this list and I think depending on one’s own pet peeves and personal preferences some of these are either, “oh, yeah, I do that all the time” or “omg, gross no…I have limits.” For example, the article had, “turning underwear inside out because you ran out of clean ones.” No, have you been a woman? That fabric is all up in there, turning it inside out will do nothing for you. I say, “no clean underwear? Well, the perfect reason to go commando.

A list of things my friend and I admit to doing:

  1. Wearing the a pair of jeans three times before you wash them. (If they don’t smell, why wash them?)
  2. Febreze-ing or spraying perfume on your jeans (Just in case they smell a little…you never know)
  3. Spilling salsa or guacamole on your shirt and removing it with a tortilla chip (this is me…all the time.)
  4. A bowl of cheese or a stick of cheese. My friend and I did this all the time in the Midwest. I even bought a separte brick of cheese, that was only for me. I called it, “my snack cheese.”
  5. The boob hold. I am the queen of the boob hold that one time I accidently start just holding my boob in front of my guy friend (outside my shirt, of course). But holding your boob is wonderful. It’s great for reading or pondering life in bed.
  6. Not washing bras enough. (I mean have you ever had to?) It sucks.
  7. Yes, Missy Elliot is the music for dancing in your underwear.
  8. No, girls don’t have pillow fights, but I have been apart of a few spin the bottle games.
  9. My friend went to a bachelorette party and saw someone’s underwear gift was little mermaid underwear, so she went out and bought some and she says they are the most comfortable underwear. Actually she was wearing them during our talk.
  10. The quick and silent poop in public. This is a gift I’m sure all women are born with.
  11. Pants day? Long Sleeve day? Probably mean we didn’t shave.
  12. I don’t know if anyone else does this, but since I’m single and not having sex, underwear selection isn’t a big deal. But I know when it’s time to do laundry because I’m stuck wearing all my nice lacy underwear. The last few days have been a blur of lacy reds, purple tied together with lacy ribbons and lacy black thongs. I need to do my laundry.
  13. I do have “period underwear” a select group of underwear that are on their way out of my life but before I throw them away they are go to when I’m bleeding out of my orifice.
  14. One of my old roommates came up to me before we moved out and said the greatest lesson she learned from me was the art of cleaning one’s room before a man came over. She said she’ll always remember what I told her, “hide your pillow pet, because what you’re about to do, no pillow pet should see.”
  15. Women tell each other everything about the guys they’ve been with. Of course depending on the level of friendship certain things may be left out. But believe me, if I have a close friend, they know the good kissers from the sloppy kisser I’ve experienced. They know the embarrassing stories and the bad sex.

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Beware: You May Fall in Love with Me

New York Times went over what psychologist Arthur Aron believes are 36 essential questions that can accelerated falling in love. Aron explores the idea of intimacy between complete strangers by having them ask each other a series of 36 personal questions and answers.

So I decided, like any rational woman trying to avoid editing her own writing to give these questions a shot. *You’re supposed to answer these questions with “a partner” but I have no stranger, I have no man to test this out with, so I will just write out my portion.

You’ve been warned, you may fall in love with me. (Not).

Set I

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? I’ve been wrecking my mind over who I would want to have dinner with. Between famous writers to my mentors (who I have dinner with at least a few times a year) If I’m going to be a genie with this dinner, perhaps I can say I want to have dinner with someone who would end up having amazing sex with me after dinner. That’s the choice I’m hoping for, knowing it ain’t happening anymore.
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I don’t think I want to be famous. I spill food on my clothes and I like going to the bank looking a mess and buying food in questionable outfits. If I was famous I would be plastered all over tabloid covers with the caption “What was she thinking?” Perhaps in the most unrealistic idea of wanting to be famous, would be to have a collection of poetry sell well. That would be marvelous.
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? Better question would be when don’t I? I always prep phone conversations. As a person with high anxiety and someone involved in the speech community, it’s important to prep my conversations. Plus if it’s an important phone call you’d be crazy, not to prep the conversation!
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Gosh, I’ve answered this before: Drinking tea, working on my writing, chatting with friends, eating some good food and some good sex. Watching a movie and cuddling with someone would be nice right about now. Or: Going on a hike, reading a wonderful book and lying out somewhere beautiful.
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? Last time I sang to myself was yesterday driving home from work. I sang “Flawless” by Beyonce, “OctaHate” by Ryn Weaver and “Come And Get Your Love” by Redbone. The last I sang to someone else, umm probably when I was drunk  and it was probably “My humps.” Get me drunk enough, ask me to sing, I’ll probably sing.
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? My mind, because once the mind goes its really hard to enjoy life, to enjoy who you are. If the mind goes how can the body really stick around? Or why would the body want to?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? Sometimes when I’m driving I picture a car slamming into me or I have these terrible dreams where a man tries to rape me. But no secret hunch, because my hunches are always wrong.
  8. (Can’t do 8, about a partner)
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? For my learning disability. I’m not sure who I would be if not for carrying this particular part of myself. I’m aware my disability has given me compassion, empathy and the willingness to walk in another’s shoes.
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Maybe to be less anxious and more of a risk taker. 
  11. (Can’t do this one….partner)
  12.  If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?  To only need an hour or two of sleep a night and to never feel drowsy. 

Set II

  1.  If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? The sane, logical, what how I know I should answer with, I don’t want to know about my future, we aren’t meant to. But the insane side of me, who peeks at season finals and awards shows online before I watch them would want to know about her future. I would never ask about myself because I’m sure I know all about my negative flaws and insecurities I mean I do spend 24/7 with myself. 
  2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Not really. I want to travel more and I will eventually I want to get my masters and I will. Geez questions gives us a break, dreams are called dreams for a reason. It’s a work in progress. 
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? I’m never sure how to word this, because it’s not exactly receiving my bachelor’s degree. I want more than that now. How do you really explain to someone that your greatest accomplishment is overcoming everything you thought you would never could? The way I write, the way I read, the way I believe I can achieve so much more, that’s my greatest accomplishment.
  4. What do you value most in a friendship? Trust and honesty
  5. What is your most treasured memory? How can anyone just have one treasured memory? I treasure the memories I have camping and looking up at the stars. The national parks I’ve been too. I treasure each moment I get up on stage and perform my poetry. Actually, I also really treasure when I performed two of these Dramatic Interpretations. (Won’t give out the names) but I really felt like myself and another person all at once. That moment where you finally take a breath, magic.
  6. What is your most terrible memory? I have two memories that are so strong it feels like they happened yesterday: 1. When I was in kindergarten and I saw my dog get hit by a car. 2. IWhen I was very little I had a brain scan. It was terrible, dark, cold room. The cap on my head looked like a swimmers cap and the paste from the metal rods in my hair twisted and hurt my head. I knew why I was there because one of the teachers in the special education program wanted to figure out if I was autistic or not. One of the first times, I really felt like something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t see it or feel it, but I understood that I wasn’t like everyone else in my class. 
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? Of course, I would change how I was living. I would only have one year left. I would go do all the things I was putting on hold and spend time with those that mean the most to me. Which then begs the question, why are you putting anything on hold? Why not live life to the fullest! *Mind blown.
  8. What does friendship mean to you? It’s like a relationship without sex. I don’t expect them to be around me 24/7 or to talk with me every day, but its nice to know they are there and they care about me and they are thinking about me. Friendship is the give and take, the making fun of each other and drinking in sweats, watching terrible movies and picking up awful drive-thru foods like McDonalds at 2AM.
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life? A very big role in my life that I continually try to ignore. 
  10. (Can’t…no partner)
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? My intermediate family is pretty close, but they stay out of my dating life, etc. I like it that way. But my parents are very warm and caring people. I’ve always been told by my friends and cousins how lucky I am to have parents like mine. I’m very thankful for the childhood I had. I may have struggled with my learning disability but I had great parents to hold my hand along the way.
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? It’s no Gilmore Girls relationship (thank goodness) But it gets the job done. We would clash when I was a teenager (I know, how unusual) But I have a great relationship with my mother.

Set III

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “ (I’ll try to do this one) We don’t know each other. We may never meet. Yet we must feel close to this point of the questions.
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “ Speech and Debate, books and writing with.
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. (No partner, but I can answer this out to space) I can’t cook, I’m too hard on myself, I worry I’m not good at sex or no one will want to be with me, in the long run. I hate being belittled or being put down. I’m terrible at taking medicine. I can be super organized or very messy. The most important part of love for me is having a best friend in the person I choose to date, to sleep with, to be in a relationship with. I want a best friend in that person.
  4. (Need partner)
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. I have to share just one. Gosh, I don’t even nowhere to begin. I remember one embarrassing time I was in the middle of anal with one of the guys I was seeing and he was at his mother’s large house (his house was being renovated) I’m sure she walked in for a hot second. He didn’t notice, but I did.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? In front of someone: last month in front of my parents. By myself: Monday night.
  7. (Need partner)
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Rape jokes and “you’re a woman” jokes. It’s hard to specify exactly want not to joke about in front of me. I think its just understanding and knowing the limits of a joke.
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? I’m not sure if I can answer this one exactly how I would want to.
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? Only one item?! Damn! I guess this old copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. It’s a really old copy and books mean so much to me.
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? My little brother, because he’s my little brother. I would hate to know his life, was cut short. Plus I would miss having one of my closest friends around.
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. Ok, I was going to do this one but after a page worth of writing I realized no, too much. Wanna know about my problems, want to help? Email me: astirwriter@gmail.com

So, feeling the love yet? A warm feeling? Heart beating fast If so then you should get that checked out?

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Andrew

In October of 2012 I started blogging (using a different blog) and for those who are still unaware I lost all of my passwords to this older blog. I’m a hot mess but before all that happened I did have this other blog that I started using in October of 2012 and in December of 2012 Andrew emailed me (I think so) I’m not 100% sure, because I can’t check that blogs email anymore (due to the losing of all passwords). But when I did know the passwords to those emails I never really checked them, but I finally did around January and I was shocked to find an email from a person, who was nice and reminded me there’s hope in the world. Well, I emailed him back thanking him for the email and one of the few things I remember from our firsts encounter was how he had forgotten he had even emailed me. (I mean it had been almost two months).

I’m disappointed I lost those passwords because looking back at old emails would have made writing this a bit easier. It’s also difficult to write this particular post because Andrew is one of the few people I know personally who reads this blog and he’s the only one that knows about my blog that I’ve made out with. Wait, that’s not true…I made out with my friend Tina and she knows about this blog.

So Andrew, I’m going to write this knowing you’ll be reading this over and maybe I’ll actually say a few things I’ve never said to you. You’ve probably noticed I hold my cards pretty close to my chest nowadays. (every time I say, “chest” I just think of my boobs).

Andrew was born and grew up in the same town I went to college in. The town I call “my second home.” Of course, he no longer lives there and I was only living there because of school. We live pretty far from each other actually, but the times we did meet up were in his home town when we both happened to be there..

Andrew, I’ve always found you attractive and when I was clever enough to look you up on Facebook (this took a few months) I was like, “ok, cool this is a real person emailing me, who does have a beard and does write and…oh, you were in a relationship. So I moved quickly away from even imagining having sex or making out with you. You know, because before then it seemed like such a plausible idea. (Not) You didn’t live nearby and I never thought you liked me, in the sense of “you want to see me naked across a desk or make out with me.” I always assumed you thought of me as this sad, lost girl trying her best at writing and dating.

But that never stopped me from having a crush on you. Also, my friends made so much fun of me. That’s what friends do, they make fun of you when you have a crush on someone and I would just mention Andrew’s name and BAM:

“Whose Andrew? OOOOHHH Andrew…the writer. Where does he go? Oh, that one school right? Wait, doesn’t he have that picture of the city? Oh yeah, Andrew…he’s the one with the beard right?”

They were relentless. 

We didn’t actually meet face to face until December 2013. I think so, right? You met up with me at that one bar and my friend Valerie was with me. I never told you this but at some point during the night Valerie grabbed ahold of me and said, “you could do better.” 

Which was confusing, because A: You were in a relationship B: You’re attractive C: I didn’t think you liked me that way D: (Due to the facts of A & C), I never pictured I would ever make out with you anyway. Plus I never thought I would see you again. So why she felt the need to inform me about “better” I’ll never understand and for the fifth time Valerie felt the need to say something about someone I was attracted to and when she did approve of someone for me, she either ended up dating them or they were assholes.

But what isn’t there not to like about Andrew? (Using a random weird system, that has no clear-cut setup and is randomly inserted in this post). He’s much taller than me (5pts) He has a beard (20pts) and it’s red (40pts) He did speech and debate! (20pts) Enjoys “my second home” (20pts). He enjoys some kinky ass sex shit (50 pts).

December 2014 we met up again by chance. I had moved away from my “second home,” but I happened to be in town visiting my brother (who was still going to the college there) and Andrew was visiting family for the holidays. Andrew was single by this time and it was enough of a push in my inner workings to at least think about saying something. I had many small conversations with myself about mentioning something or not. (I know you can imagine me rambling on and on in my car asking myself, “Should I just say I find you attractive?” or “I want you to bend me over?”

I didn’t say anything the first night we had drinks. I was hoping he would have noticed my anxiety/nervousness levels around him. I suppose I’m always like that, so how could anyone even tell there was a difference? I did linger outside with him by the cars, but it would have been much easier to just tell me, “I picture you and I having sex all the time.” Driving back to where I was staying I continued the repeating phrase of, “Dammit I’m a mess! Why didn’t I say anything!?”

The second night we met up for drinks I walked out with him carrying on the internal struggle, “should I say something?” It wasn’t until half an hour later, after leaving the bar I got up the nerve to text him and slip in the fact that I wanted to make out with him.

Luckily he’s not in his head, luckily he wanted to kiss me, luckily he decided to drive all the way over to where I was staying. (My brother’s apartment on campus).

It was very romantic when you think about the willingness to drive over to kiss someone, the sweetness in his voice when he called me beautiful or the way he smiled. Then you realize you’re outside the Student Apartment Complex, nicknamed (SAC) which only brings to mind a picture of a man’s testicles. And you feel like you’re in high school again because you have nowhere to go and talk. Only inside a car to make out, which feels even more like high school. 

I suppose this is when a poem or a short story would point out it’s not the place (add crappy detail here), but the people in the place that creates this tone, this feeling (blah, blah, blah crappy poems about place).

Andrew, you are a wonderful man and you have a wonderfully booming voice, soft hands and you care. I’m utterly confused why you would even want to spend time with me.

Then there’s that moment where I sink into the back of my mind and list all the reasons why it doesn’t make sense that anyone would want to spend time with me, let alone go out of their way for me.

We would meet up the night before I was about to fly back home and you didn’t push me to have sex, you cared about me, held me and it was a soft moment. At the end of the night, you were happy to have spent time with me even though it never lead to sex. You said I was beautiful and still I was so confused to why you would want to spend time with me.

I did spend a good portion of the night panicking (I’m sure you noticed). It’s been a long time since I put myself in that position: Lying down with someone, completely sober and trusting someone to be near my naked body.

A part of me is a bit bummed I was stressed and panicked. So I hope maybe I’ll get another chance. I would enjoy seeing you again.

One of my favorite songs

Rough Month (January)

My brother came across me hanging out in the kitchen at 2AM. I made me him jump and yell a little when he saw me standing by the fridge pouring apple juice, eating a bowl of sharp cheddar in my purple underwear.

“Sister! You’re a mess!”

I dislike the month of January, it’s always such a funky month for me. My writing has been crap, I’ve only  submitted to four journals and I can barely hammer out a new poem or clean up an old one. (This happened last January too). Or actually February, but like a period playing a trick on you my bad writing month came earlier.

Sometimes I just feel like such a shitty writer (I can’t even criticize myself in a more structured, fluent sentence) just “shitty” and I just don’t know how on earth I’m going to get into an MFA program. I mean I’m not the kind of person great things happen to. I don’t win all the prizes, awards, I don’t have schools knocking down my door looking for me.

I really hate my job right now. Or I really hate my boss, a wishy-washy, unorganized person who thinks their an educator when really they’re only into it if it’s making the money. My hours have been cut a bit and I feel like my boss is mad at me, for whatever reason I will never know or understand. But I don’t want to teach how they are. All those damn worksheets, that’s not teaching, that’s a cop out. My job has exhausted me to the point I cringe going into work, I’ve given up a bit of work. But I’m putting through, making what I can and then looking around for other jobs. I think I may just stick around here until summer. With my friends wedding and a few speech alumni functions happening I rather work somewhere a bit more flexible work schedule.

I was telling my mom everything that’s been going on at work. She’s been a bit upset to hear how down it’s making me. Especially because she knows I don’t get like this unless I’m really beaten down. How they demand such a high standard of their teachers, yet here I am working at night and I ask where my bosses kid is and they’ve gone on a trip. (Thanks for telling me ahead of time). Also, they’re a bit over religious for my taste. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind anyone’s religion but when it starts leak into one’s workplace I’m not such a fan. One time I was sitting in with my boss and another teacher discussing a student and my boss goes goes, “well he’s a freshman dating a senior and I think this senior girl is very promiscuous.”

I’m thinking, “well shit what would you label me if you knew all the weird sex shit I’ve done.” If dating someone, like what senior to a freshman, that’s like maybe three to four years apart? Damn if my boss thinks that’s bad…

So lately I’ve taken to crying in the cry without feeling it coming. Like today, I tried to run a one of my poems as I was driving to work and I just started crying. On the way home three nights ago I just started crying.

It’s a mixer of many things:

  1. Knowing my period is next week
  2. I’ve been fighting this cold (my ears keep popping)
  3. I’m really unhappy with work
  4. Writing has been terrible (the month of rejection)
  5. I’ve been stressing about money.
  6. I haven’t had sex in a year and two months. (this is a thing…getting pounded really calms me down).
  7. The ever looming MFA applications are a little knife in my side
  8. Still adjusting to not having my friends around. I have friends here, but I don’t tell them much about my bad days.
  9. That new super bowl commercial Budweiser has with the puppies is making me cry
  10. After a month of watching my Grandmother very slowly waste away, I think it’s all about over.
  11. My face has been breaking out like I’m sixteen years old again.
  12. And I’ve never felt more terrible about my body than I do this month.

Ok, I got that all out. 

I really hate crying sometimes and I hate when I get like this. I feel like I shouldn’t get like this anymore. I’m an adult and adults hold themselves together. I call these last few years the crying years and I blame speech and debate for that. From the ages of 8-18, I wasn’t a crier. I played sports and I took crying as a weakness, a way for the other team to learn your weakness. Also, I’ve always had a very high pain tolerance.

Expect anal, that’s just the most uncomfortable feeling ever and I’m good. Been there, tried that. not for me.

Now that I have all that negative bullshit out of my way I’m going to list the good things about this month, even though I still feel a bit shitty. But that’s ok to feel shitty, right? I think there’s a book that teaches this very lesson…umm its called, “Everybody poops.

Shit that was good about January:

  1. I wrote this fucking awesome poem about male rape for my friend speech. I guess people are really digging it and I just sent out to a journal. One of the few poems I sent around to my good friends to workshop and they didn’t have any edits. I was like Woah guys, you all always have grammar suggestions.
  2. The sky was beautiful yesterday
  3. My mom took me out to lunch. She knows what makes me feel better (Pizza and clam chowder).
  4. I’ve been a reading machine (more time for reading)
  5. I have icy hot again….mmmm icy hot is so good
  6. My room is almost done (I know took me forever) Just need to hang up a few things.
  7. Spent a lot of time with my best friend Tammy (went hiking).
  8. I’ve been posting a lot to this blog, which is nice. I normally don’t write this much for my blogs.
  9. Two of my students drew pictures for me (nice kids).
  10. I’m getting back into my submission groove, whether I like it or not!
  11. Also, I’m glad its 2015. I don’t think I could have lasted another month in 2014 because I kept saying 2004 so often I felt like I may have been slowly going back in time.
  12. The cheddar cheese this month was awesome

So it’s 3AM

I’m going back to the sharp cheddar

liz_lemon

Some of my Favorite things that aren’t included in The Sound of Music

Some of my favorite things

  1. If I had to pick a favorite movie I would pick, Pans Labyrinth. I love the movements of the characters, the childhood escapism, and the symbolism happening with numbers and folklore of Mexico.
  2. Favorite song, “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles
  3. I have a slight Coca-Cola & Dr. Pepper addiction
  4. I’m addicted to The Walking Dead
  5. I love to go hiking
  6. One of my favorite places to visit is Zion National Park
  7. Another favorite place of mine is the desert. I practically grew up out there because my family would go out every weekend to ride dirt bikes.
  8. I love drinking warm tea. (I love tea)
  9. Oh, soup is so comforting. I love eating soup, especially creamy soup.
  10. My favorite breed of dog is a Kerry Blue Terrier. We had one when I was very little and she was my favorite dog ever. I saw her get hit by a car when I was in kindergarten. I miss her so much.