Valentines Day

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I don’t like Valentines day, not because I’m single. I also don’t like anti-Valentines day. I think if you go out of your way to celebrate anti-Valentines day then the Valentines day wins. You’re doing everything Valentines day-ey: the wine, chocolate and the horrible film choices. Anti-Valentines day is just with your friends and even if you’re not doing these things (chocolate, wine, sex) and you’re doing stuff like, “eating fried chicken.” Which is sexy and counts as Valentine-ey.

Shit, it’s ironic for me to be bitching about Valentines day. Doesn’t it make you think, well if you’re bitching about how it doesn’t matter, it makes it matter and then you try to say no it still doesn’t matter but then you’re brain is like, “umm yeah, you’re sitting here for 30 minutes writing a post about it so it must matter” and then you’re like “shut-up brain” and then you find yourself with a handful of chocolates in your mouth, pouring a glass of wine and pressing play to The Notebook. 

It’s like coming to after being blacked out drunk.

What I’m doing on Valentines Day: working. I work on Saturday, from 8am-4pm. Then I’ll go home, eat, watch Gilmore Girls (because that’s what I’m into watching right now) because I don’t have to pay attention, it’s a nice sound playing in the background as I write. If I’m feeling extra hot and bothered I may study for the GRE and work on my personal statement.

I might masturbate too. I got a good masturbation option going on right now so that probably will happen at some point tomorrow. (You know what I’m talking about).

 

Perfect on Paper

Chris

He was the in between of Brad and my nonexistent love life. I met Chris when the weather was finally warming up outside and I was almost done with my undergrad. My friend dragged me to this fundraiser, even though I wanted to just sit in my room and write. She said I needed to get out more, so I brought my writing journal with me to the football party (winning). I’m not a huge fan of football, neither is my friend, but it was a fundraiser for an organization she was working with. As I was saying, I have no interest in football, but I was into the hotdogs, soda (I never drink soda, but Coca-cola and Dr. Pepper is cocaine for me) and I got to sit in a chair and write.

My friend was talking to the heads of the organization and one of their friends mentioned Chris was trying to get published and my friend mentioned I wrote and I always send my stuff out. And I love helping people with stuff like this. It’s a high for me when people ask me to make them a list. Lists vary from: where to send your writing, to coffee houses, to foods one should eat before they die, to speech scripts. So if you want help in one of those areas I’m your gal. If you want a list of the periodic table or all the State capitals…don’t bother asking me.

We started talking about publishing and he had no idea about anything. He was another guy who enjoyed writing as a hobby (maybe not even a hobby, something to fiddle with) but wasn’t about to quit his day job. It’s sweet when I meet guys who enjoy writing as a little fun activity, but it’s hard to connect and talk about writing on a higher level. It’s like trying to have a deep conversation with someone who says they read but you find out when they “read” they mean magazines and you’re like, “yeah, ok you read, but we read different things.” Still he was a cute guy.

I didn’t really think that giving him my email meant anything more than just helping him out with journals:

Again I should point out that I can be so oblivious to the dating world. It’s a miracle I’ve ever been in a relationship, had sex or even kissed someone with my lack of observation.

After we met up for coffee the first time I did kind of figured he liked me.. I had been there all morning writing and he stopped by for two hours before he took off for a camping trips with his friends. He had a nice smile and was very dorky. I remember he seemed to have no control over his hands. He would hit the table top loudly (he must have been nervous) and it was very distracting to me. I notice weird shit like that.

But Chris was really everything I was looking for: Sweet, cute, good-looking (not that I look for that) and I suppose when I mean good-looking, I mean I was attracted to him. It’s weird but sometimes I’m sitting down next to someone (I’ve felt this with two people, Chris and my friend I almost dated) It’s not a spark but it’s comfort having their leg so close to mine. Chris also had a great job, he was a few years older than me. He was an engineer and I grew up around a lot of engineers so I was like “ok, I can work with that.” He was a hard worker and goofy at the same time. He was perfect on paper I would tell my friend Tina.

On our third date, we went out dinner and it was lovely. He came over to my place and he hung out and met Tina, Valerie, and my brother who was living there at the time. But as he was leaving we didn’t kiss and we just sided hug. A bit of both our doing. He seemed like a very respectable man, which is great and everything, I need more nice gentlemen in my life. But sometimes a lady likes a man to take charge. Ok, I always like to be dominated. I liked to flung around. I don’t get flung anymore.

Chris and I never kissed and I’m sure it would have been a disaster because just hugging him fell so flat.

Also, I’m guilty of disliking the fact that he didn’t have nice hair or let me rephrase that. He didn’t know how to take care of his hair. That poor hair. And he didn’t know how to wear suits. (When you do speech and debate this is important and something you notice). Those poor suits.

It’s important to note that when he would text me, call or ask to hang out that night I got kind of annoyed and I realized this would never work out because I would rather be writing poetry and hanging out with my roommates than go out to dinner with him. Someone should make you want to put down your work for a few hours to be naked with.

One night I went out to drinks to celebrate my first chapbook draft getting done and he tagged along and I forgot why but he said “ghetto.” Look, I really don’t care. I mean do I like the phrase ghetto? No, I think it’s not only just shitty classist thing to say but it shows a lack of vocabulary. But really I don’t care, I don’t love it but I’m not going to stop dating someone because they make a few mistakes.

Did my friend/roommate Valerie like it? Oh hell no, she hated it. Valerie has a self-righteous quality about herself. She likes to “set everyone” straight, yet never sees her own flaws, acts like she does but she really doesn’t. She’s a racial and she forgets just because you’re liberal doesn’t mean you can’t be a racial who judges others too much. There have been plenty times she said negative things about guys I liked and it’s funny because they guys she didn’t think were worth my time were the nicest guys I have ever met. And the ones she liked, the ones she said “were hot” ended up being the biggest assholes. **One of the many reasons I don’t speak to her anymore. Because she was controlling not only with me but her other friends and who they liked. Tina put it best, “she doesn’t want you dating anybody because then you guys wouldn’t hang out as much.”

A mixture of bad chemistry, Valerie and hair really made this “perfect on paper” guy end. But he put the final nail in the coffin. After he texted me, “what he could do different or for in the future what he could work on.” I said, “your text is a perfect example. Don’t ask what you could work on for a future relationship.”

 

The biggest Jerk Hook up

Ben

The first time Joel and I almost dated, I met Ben and I should have noticed the obvious creepy ass signs from this guy, but I was a pretty much an internal emotion wreck from Chance just vanishing, plus Joel’s lack of communication about his feelings and my emotional baggage from the ex that had cheated on me was springing back open. So I would have fucked anything decent enough and had a solid pair of hands. He was the one that creepy guy mentioned when at a party where I wasn’t wearing a top at my roommates party. I was wearing a top, but I took my undershirt and only had my lace top on, so you could see my bra but in a way that screams, “this would be sexier if I wasn’t at a kegger for Easter.”

Since I was going through a fear of someone walking away phase (still kind of have this issue) I wasn’t in the best place. And Ben started texting me out of the blue, to the point he wanted me to come over my night. I was between wanting to (sad, emotional mess me) and really not wanting this (smart me). I decided to go, against my better judgement. I think the big deciding factor was that Ben was good friends with Chance, actually he lived next door to Chance. It was my little “HA! Take that Chance!” Stupid.

I went over to Ben’s. I don’t think his roommates were home, actually I think they were both out of town. He was watching The Simpsons (classy…not) and I’m sure he was mostly naked. I think he had to steal a condom from his roommate (dumbass).

Mind you this guy was a year or two older than me. (he was like 27). Mind you he was done with school and working full time.

All I remember is how uncomfortable I was. Not because I lacked trust, or I was emotional going through all this past stuff but because he made me feel uncomfortable. The way his mouth was open, the way his eyes looked at me. Again I hooked up with a guy who saw me as a slab of meat.

Also, I broke my rule about hooking up and not staying the night (I stayed the night). It was one of the worst night stays too. I stayed as far away as I could. Which wasn’t very far for a double, which was basically up against the wall with my back facing him. The next day I woke up, told him I didn’t want any of our friends to know we hooked-up and he agreed by stating “good, because I’m trying to get back together with my ex girlfriends anyways and I think it may happen soon.”

I went out to the bars after my already drunk roommate begged me to go to Wing Wednesday. Which is cheap chicken wings and $2 pitchers, which also became the night I saw four guys I had slept with. (Mitt, Chance, Joel and Ben) Which prompted me to think of this song:

I was avoiding Mitt and Chance. I wanted to hit on Joel, which was a serious of dirty text messages between us. And then Ben being passive and asking me why I was hitting on Joel. In my head, I thought, “umm we just hooked up.”

Ben continued to bug me through texting and Facebook messenger. I continued to ignore him and pursue Joel. Which caused the first time Joel and I tried to get together, but it came crashing down because Ben decided to tell Joel he had hooked up with me! I guess this bothered Joel and on some level I understood this, but on another level I was like, “dude we barely hooked up and just because you’re friends with him you don’t want to date me?”

Then I found out Ben was getting together with his ex and I was fucking pissed because he ruined my chances with the guy I wanted to hook up with and he got to go back fucking his girlfriend and he was very cautious about anyone saying anything. For example, I found out through my roommates that Ben asked Joel and my roommates not to invite me to a party because he feared I would say something to his girlfriend. Which prompted my email to him: It went along the lines of how we just had sex and I was a grown ass woman and wasn’t and didn’t give a flying fuck to start any shit. Also, I added how inappropriate it was he thought it was ok to tell my friends I was not welcomed to a party, at a house he didn’t even live in. 

So I deleted him of Facebook because he still wouldn’t stop messaging me. He still tried to message me so I blocked that him.

A year later I went through my phase “oh I don’t need to block all these ex’s. And Ben even sent me a friend request. Since another one of my ex’s and I were on better terms I thought why not, sure we can manage to be friends on a social networking site. Then I noticed a month later after HE SENT the friend request!! I want to make this clear, HE SENT the friend request, he deleted me!

So I blocked him once and for all and that was the end of it. Fuck, he was such a creepy, off, jerky, asshole.

Buh-bye Ben

UETIh6a

 

 

20 Songs You should Never have Sex to

I always see people posting blogs or playlists on Spotify of their “Top Songs to have Sex to.” So I made a list of songs I saw on other people’s yes lists.

Never should these be songs be played during sexual intercourse. 

  1. Do My Dance by Tyga ok, the start of the song…ha!
  2. Trumpets by Jason Derulo. Dear Jason Derulo, Yes it’s weird. Brass instruments in the bedroom don’t sound sexy. It’s not an image I want before you go down on me. And really starting the music video with you watching another music video of yours? unnamed
  3. Woo Woo Swag by Lil B Lets count how many times you can say bitch and swag. Such an awful song. I don’t know why anyone would want to do anything to this song. 
  4. Too Close by Next  No.
  5. Doin’ it Right by Draft Punk Maybe if you’re a robot 
  6. Birthday Sex by Jeremih I’m not sure Jeremih said a full sentence the whole song
  7. Cockiness by Rihanna “Bad feels so good?” That’s the best you could come up with??
  8. Lollipop by Li Wayne
  9. Flightless Bird by Iron and Wine <—An awkward Almost Famous sex song. 
  10. Girls by Pitbull The start of this song…bahahaha
  11. Adore You by Miley Cyrus
  12. Birthday Cake by Rihanna. I really love the comments below, like we needed the innuendos explained: Screen shot 2015-01-13 at 1.14.58 AM
  13. Trading Places by Usher Ok, all that detailed talk is just making me exhausted. “When you do it like me?” bahaha Oh, so when she do it like a man? And you’re the woman, because you’ll make the breakfast? 
  14. I invented Sex by Trey <–that’s cocky Trey
    1. I really hate songs where its like girl you gonna do this and girl you gonna do that, girl you gonna take me here. Really? you ran out of ways to pleasure her and her pleasure you in the first person??
  15. Closer by Nine Inch Nails
  16. What’s My Name by Rihanna <—Don’t worry Rihanna I’ve hooked up with guys who didn’t know my name too. And Drake, “What we can get done is 20 minutes?Oh yeah, time me more how long it will take…that gets all the ladies turned on. The punctual cummin’
  17. Sail by Awolnation OK! Why does everyone put this on their sex list playlist? No! I just think of this cat video when I hear this song. (One of the best cat videos of all time) 
  18. Like a Surgeon by Ciara I’m not sure what to say
  19. I Want Your Sex by George Michael There were a lot of life choices happening here. “Don’t need no Bible, just look in my eyes” bahaha. 
  20. The Zoo by R. Kelly:
    1. “Girl, I got you so wet
      It’s like a rain forest
      Like Jurassic Park
      Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby
      You and me hopping
      Like two kangaroos
      Rattling and moaning
      Out here in these woods”

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Tree Star Tattoo Dude

 

LittlefootAbouttoEatTreestarThis was a pretty short lived hook-up.

Peter

Again I met him through my roommate. He went to college for art and photographer. He went to a pretty nice university for the arts too, but he wasn’t really working on it. Lacked passion in his art. Kind of lazy about it. He was almost 30 and really didn’t have any future plans.

A messy person too.

We spoke a lot online, chatting and we ran into each other at the local bars. He had a beard and was pretty interesting. I wasn’t super physically attracted to him but he was funny and we also seemed to have nice conversations.

He had a few tattoos, one was of someone’s voice rate, he had something else on his leg I think and then finally his other arm he had a tattoo of The Land Before Time, Tree Star. Yep.

Of course, in the middle of the night I drove 35 minutes to his place.

He was a very sloppy kisser. ugh I hate that.

Now I’m a firm believer that kissing is a pre-curser to how sex will be/chemistry. Which brings me to the idea that I don’t think anyone is a bad kisser: I just think bad kissing has to do with chemistry and emotion connection, plus how sex will be between two people.

So basically he was sloppy with me, but I’m sure with other women he may have been a great kisser. Just not for me.

That was basically the story. Just a hook-up. And I left thinking how this wasn’t going to work out. I mean the kissing said it all and I should have stopped there but…you know. Girls gotta eat.

Besides the kissing Peter made me feel like how Jacob made me feel. I felt dirty. A piece of meat. There was no romance, no caring touch or the warm of a smile. It was just pleasure and I was just a breathing toy with flesh.

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The boyfriend I forgot I had in High School (oops)

I was trying to go in order of when i dated all these hot messes but oops, I forgot about this guy I dated in high school.

Alan 

We dated for a more than four months and we mutable broke up. Of course, I was still a little upset, because I’m just an emotion I’m never going to find someone kind of date person, but really I was so glad to see this relationship over. I was starting to become a kinky person. I already had gotten into the swing of things, but Alan really threw me off the path. He was a junior when I was a senior and he had never had sex.

We didn’t have sex either, just everything else. This is dating situation was definitely me dealing with my bad break-up with John. Alan was a bad idea rebound guy. He was younger, restless and we had bad chemistry.

He also was about my height (I’m 5 ‘2’) and was thinner than me.Let’s remember I weighed about 100 pounds in high school. I was a cross country runner. I also wore size double zero pants too

I think he still is that thin too from what I’ve heard.

He was also a twin and his twin brother was way cooler than him too.

It was such a boring, blah high school relationship I really have no memories of him, but this one time I gave him a blowjob in his parent’s living room when no one was home. On a striped couch with reds, golden yellows and white mixed in and his facial expressions, the taste of him, his moans did not turn me on at all.

That’s about it.

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The Most Awkward Guy

Jacob 

This was lesson #1 that just because someone is 30 doesn’t mean they’re more put together than the 21-year-olds I’ve had sex with.

He was an”in between” guy I only saw for about a week until I realized this is a mess.

I met Jacob through my friend/roommate at the time. We still say hi in passing if we run into each other when I’m visiting town. We don’t chat or anything really. not like we talked that much when we were messing around.

Sweet guy, but just off for some reason. I really can’t put my finger on it.

He was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong but there was something uncomfortable about being naked in front of him. I’ve never really felt dirty in front of a guy, never really felt like a live action porn clip. I can name like three other guys that made me feel like this and Jacob is one of them.

Something in the pace of his breathing, the way his hands rubbed me and he was a terrible kisser too. Sloppy and no control. I don’t know how to put this, but I felt like a piece of meat and he was really hungry.

I never enjoyed being close with him, craving to lay down and let him hold me. I remember on Halloween I stayed for a bit and we were about to have sex but he didn’t have a condom and I was like, “What? You knew I was coming over to the party tonight.”

We were talking about how many people we’ve has sex with, you know just a basic sex chat. At the time, I think I had been with five or six guys. (That number is ummm…well it grew fast) Jacob claimed to have had sex with over 30 people. HA! I was like no fucking way! He can barely carry on a conversation, how did that happen. Then I thought, “well I’m here naked so I should shut up.”

Awkward_Alert

So that was Jacob. Not exciting and really awkward.