Half-Time Show: Don’t bother me I’m masturbating

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I have the weirdest obsession with masturbating to Katy Perry’s song “Dark Horse.” I have absolutely no idea why this is. I’m not even a huge a fan of Katy Perry or the song for that matter. But for some reason this song really helps when I’m masturbating. So much so that by the end 2014 when Spotify showed you the songs you listened to the most and when “Dark Horse” came up a few times.

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Number 5 on my list

I stopped using any kind of porn a few years ago. I don’t mind if other people want to use it. But I prefer not to support an industry that doesn’t create the best images of women. (But that topic is for another time and place). Since I don’t have porn I really rely on music and my imagination.

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I was single and very busy this during the winter of 2014.

Now that we understand my weird masturbation qualities let me state that tomorrow (Feb. 1st) is the Superbowl and Katy Perry is playing the half-time show.

So I’ll be busy Sunday I guess…

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The Fuck Buddy

Joshua 

He has a boyfriend now and I’m so happy to see him finally happy with his life. Joshua is one of the few guys I’ve slept with that I still speak to on occasion. We swap poetry or talk about speech and debate.

Joshua was a random hook up that I never saw coming. We were drunk at a bar with friends. Tina my best friend went out to the car to give this guy she had been seeing a blow job and I was sitting at the bar with Josh. “Peter” (aka tree star tattoo dude) was there. Josh and Peter were co-workers at the time and both really just hated each other.

Josh drunkenly looks at me and is like, “let’s piss him off by making out.”

You know those nights when you were dealing with a terrible breakup and even more terrible guy you tried dating afterwards? You’re almost blacked out drunk but not…but almost:

I remember the bar.

(black out)

I remember the walk to the car home.

(black out)

Then I came to having sex with Josh… (no pun intended Ha!) 

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I was like, “oh ok…cool. Good job drunk me.”

We had pretty rough sex too (very nice)

We both came, he got up, changed, left and I passed out.

Everything I wanted in a hook-up.

I’m a firm believer that fuck buddies/hook-ups should never spend the night  because then it’s more than a fuck, more than a hook-up. I don’t want to sleep with a fuck buddy and cuddle. I don’t want to talk about my family or cry about my life. I just want to get naked and move on. Kind of like a post office. (Weird image)

Cuddling, smiles and late night talks are for guys I may want more from. (Expect with Mitt. I stayed there because I was drunk and didn’t want to pay from a taxi. But we didn’t touch or cuddle. I just passed out.)


That Other Time

Gosh, I don’t remember. He was hanging out at my house with his friends and mine, we were horny, so we had sex.

A little drunk on wine. Ok, really drunk on wine.

Actually the next morning I needed to be up early and go with my roommate to pick her parents up. She comes into my room to bring me yoghurt and you get my ass up early.

She sets down the yoghurt and then goes, “oh my god there is a condom on your desk!” Then she goes, “oh my god there is another one on the floor and one by the trash can!!” DAMNIT!

Then she’s like, “Ahh well, not like I’m surprised. And then we sat in my room and chatted about our nights and when we needed leave the house for the long drive to the airport.


The last time I had sex (1 year and two months ago)

I was super fucking drunk. I was actually really upset about this guy (Jeremy) we had almost dated but it didn’t work out. I was pretty bummed. I remember crying in the shower and I got out and had this text from Joshua seeing if I wanted to grab drinks. Fuck yeah, I did.

We went to his house afterwards. Mind you Josh lived with three girls from speech and debate, who I knew very well. Three vegas bombs, two very large glasses of cider, I think a shot of tequila and two bottles of dark beer later I blacked out. But came to enough to me scratching the bedroom walls naked, having sex and moaning very loud.

Next thing I know I’m awake, it’s about 7am and I’m in a different bedroom than Josh’s room. I realize I’m in Katie’s room (his roommate) and I’m fucking butt ass naked. She walks in and she’s like “oh hey there!”

Me: “This is the wrong room and I have no clothes.”

Katie: Yeah, I found you in here and asked what you were doing and you said, “I’m sleepin’!” So I’m gonna take a shower and you can go back to Josh’s room.

Thank goodness I knew her and thank goodness she was pulling an all-nighter for an event. But I did have to see her at the event.

FUCK MY LIFE!

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My face when I woke up in the wrong bed