Half-Time Show: Don’t bother me I’m masturbating


I have the weirdest obsession with masturbating to Katy Perry’s song “Dark Horse.” I have absolutely no idea why this is. I’m not even a huge a fan of Katy Perry or the song for that matter. But for some reason this song really helps when I’m masturbating. So much so that by the end 2014 when Spotify showed you the songs you listened to the most and when “Dark Horse” came up a few times.

Screen shot 2014-12-10 at 2.06.02 PM
Number 5 on my list

I stopped using any kind of porn a few years ago. I don’t mind if other people want to use it. But I prefer not to support an industry that doesn’t create the best images of women. (But that topic is for another time and place). Since I don’t have porn I really rely on music and my imagination.

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I was single and very busy this during the winter of 2014.

Now that we understand my weird masturbation qualities let me state that tomorrow (Feb. 1st) is the Superbowl and Katy Perry is playing the half-time show.

So I’ll be busy Sunday I guess…


A List of Pretentious Qualites I’m Looking for in a Man

A List of Pretentious Qualities I’m Looking for in a Man that I’ll probably change in another year because no list about qualities in dating could ever stick around forever. 

  1. Has an intelligent sense of humor
  2. Has a passion for something: Sports, writing, books, food, I don’t care! Just as long as they love it to pieces.
  3. Talking is easy. Conversations flow and I feel like I can tell them anything. Not only about my day but the sad moments and if I’m having a hard time. There are no secrets or fake smiles.
  4. Can keep an open dialogue with me. I hate guessing games
  5. Loves hiking. I love national parks and I want to see more.
  6. Passionate in the bedroom.
  7. Spontaneous.
  8. Can give me a little push out the door. Sometimes I get stuck in my head and I don’t want to take a risk.
  9. Likes to read
  10. Will work on my poems with me.
  11. I want the middle of the line drinker. Someone who enjoys a drink here and there. But isn’t the college boy drinker: the beer pong player, I got wasted Wednesday drinker.
  12. Will watch my silly Tv shows with me. This is only Friends and The Walking Dead. Especially The Walking Dead.
  13. Caring, sweet, charming. Everything I’ve been missing out on the last six years. Everything I’m sure every woman is looking for.
  14. Rubs my back
  15. When I’m stress will just hug me and say “shh, you’re fine, everything will be fine.”
  16. Has my back and supports me.
  17. Likes to cook
  18. Enjoys whiskey, wine, good beer.
  19. Will bring me a cup of coffee or tea
  20. Likes to go out, but also would love to just curl up at home, watch a movie, read books next to each other, work on projects next to each other.
  21. Oh, hair. I love hair. Beards, curly thick hair. Gosh makes me hot just thinking about it.
  22. Is nice to me. Treats me like a human being.
  23. Just sit with and listen to music.
  24. Is crazy about me and lets me know.

Ok, this list is turning into “stuff I miss from relationships.”