Little messages from the Universe

My life lately has felt like a bad metaphor: A roller coaster of emotion.

I’ve cried or almost cried at least twice a week. I think the crying has continued because I haven’t really gotten to fully cry. I tend to breath it all back in like I’m trying to break the world record for holding one’s breath underwater the longest. I’m not sure if I’ve been winning or losing this, but everything was picking up. After my last post, I felt lighter like the weights were lifted off my back. I felt pretty damn good.

Today was really a test of my good mood keeping skills. Late last night the mouse pad on my Mac just went kaput. After numerous restarts, hardware tests and lighting incense my mouse pad still won’t work. But it’s ok, not like I use my computer almost every minute of every day…

Thank goodness I found my wireless mouse.

Then right before work my poor car started freaking out. The last few weeks my light has been going on and off inside and today my car alarm would go on and off. So I had to borrow my brother’s car, which is fully loaded with Batman gear. From batman bumper sticker, batman floor mats and batman lanyard. I love my red mustang and I hate to see the poor thing all upset like that. It’s doing fine now, but I hope my poor car doesn’t keep acting up.

Also, it’s one of those weeks where I hate most of my poetry. It’s fine, I’m ignoring it, I know it will past and it’s only a weird mood. But it did become the cherry on top as I was driving in my brothers car to work this afternoon. Listening to his Flogging Molly music really wasn’t the kind of music to calm down a woman at her wits end and about to cry.

After two songs worth of my brothers music, I could no longer take it and I pressed the FM button and right in the middle of Paul McCartney’s “BlackBird.” I love The Beatles, I love the song “Blackbird” to pieces and I love the images of wings, flight and I’m actually right in the middle of a big submission involving wings and flight right now. So this song was a real gut hitter. I happened to be right in the middle of the downtown area of where I live and I looked over to my left (like any good driver going through an intersection during peak traffic hours) and I noticed this new shop called, “Stitches & Feathers.”

I’m not sure if I believe in messages from the universe, or everything is just coincidence. Maybe in this moment I did believe it was a message from the universe because I smiled quick at the moment, like when you’re about to kiss someone you care for or like how you smile right before you fall asleep in someone’s arms. I want to believe it was a message to feel better and “we’ll take care of you.” Because it did make me smile and it did get me through my day. I want to believe when I’m feeling at my loneliest there’s something out there watching out for me.

 

 

Rainy Days

January 19th, 2015

In high school, my coach would remind us whenever we were having an awful day that we needed the rainy days too. In a very cheesy image of how we’re growing up and we not only we need sunny days, but we need rainy days to grow too. As cheesy as this little phrase is I used it last week for one of my debate students who broke down crying at the end of class.

Today was a rainy day:

I woke up feeling under the weather. I’ve been battling not getting a cold, but feeling like I’m on the brink of a bad cold. This morning I felt really sick. (Don’t worry after large amounts of tea, oatmeal and Mucinex I felt better mid-day) Also, I went hiking twice over the weekend. Very long, hilly hikes so I woke up pretty sore.

Then my mom asked us if we wanted to go visit our Grandmother tomorrow. She’s slipping in and out of conciseness now. A chunk of my family members visited with her earlier in the day and she wasn’t really all there. So we’re going to see her tomorrow and I’m going to say goodbye.

I went into work early today. It’s a holiday so I had private tutoring sessions since there wasn’t regular classes today. But my boss was on a (trying to fix holes at work) mood and she’s a bit intense. She also loves to walk in the middle of sessions, to have conversations. Next thing I know as my two students were taking their vocabulary test I started to silently cry. I stopped myself soon enough before it got out of hand.

Finally after work I jumped into my car and just broke down crying. Then I started singing along with the radio because singing always made me feel better in high school.

*Note: When I’m upset about one thing it tends to snowball into a lot of things. Or all the things I was bottling up finally pour out. (I’m really trying to work on this) But I still do this all the time. So one minute I’m upset about my grandmother, next I’m crying about how shitty of a teacher I am, how I can’t do any of this, because I start thinking about how exhausting my learning disability is everyday, then I think I can’t get into an MFA program because I’m so shitty at spelling and grammar and words in general and then I think  I can’t write, because I haven’t written a good poem in weeks, that I haven’t had time to submit anything new in two weeks, how I’ve been rejected a boat load of times the past week, and then I start thinking about how lonely I am, how badly I wish I could just call somebody. How badly I miss love.

I just start repeating to myself “it’s just a rainy day. I’m just having a bad day. It’s just a bad day, in a few hours, everything will be better.”

Then I pull thru a Mcdonalds drive thru and order a Big Mac, fries and a Coke.

And then I felt better.

Crying_icecream_eating

Today was a rainy day. So I’m hoping for a few nice sunny days soon. Maybe put aside some time for my poems and my submissions.