Leftover Relationship Pieces

It’s not the sex I miss the most. Not any of the gifts, cuddling or hand holding.

I miss the friendship.

When my ex of four years cheated on me and left, it wasn’t the other woman, the pictures I found or the love poems he wrote to her that hit my gut like a freight train.  It was the realization that I had just lost my best friend. And I know there’s a quote, a story or poem that talks about the whole process oh losing someone, but they haven’t died, they still walk around Earth. Yet, they have left your life like they have died.

And I don’t cry for my past relationships. It’s been a very, very long time since I missed any of my ex’s.

But I really miss having that best friend.

Ok, I know I have loads of best friends, who happen to be both women and men.  I’m so thankful for the people in my life and I got really lucky to have so many people who care about me.

But for those of you that have been in a long relationship there’s this other kind of best friend you find in the person you publicly admit is your girlfriend or boyfriend. There’s something wonderful about having that person there.

God, I miss when having someone to just sit and talk for hours about books, speech and debate. To bounce off ideas, emotions and if I’m acting crazy or not.

That certain person, you just have to text or call and tell them: I went to pick up my bridesmaid dress today and the lady was like, “would you like to try it on here?” And my internal voice is like, “I just ate half a pizza by myself…noooooo.” But I just told her, “I’m in a hurry, so I’ll just be picking it up.” (Lies). I was going home to eat ice cream.

I miss those conversations.

Ok, sure I could tell my friends. But I have to space out my ridiculousness with them. For everyone’s sanity.

So that’s what I miss most. I miss the friendship in love and it’s probably been about four years since I’ve felt that.

It’s not pain or hurt I feel. I cry about not having it and I guess what I feel is longing. It’s like a television series or cliffhanger books: You really wish you could look into the future and know what’s going to happen. Is everything going to be ok?

I’m really terrible about television shows and looking up what’s going to happen before I watch an episode. I try really hard and so far haven’t really looked ahead in The Walking Dead and somehow I’ve managed not learning anything about Breaking Bad (I still haven’t watched it yet).

 So, I think I cry sometimes about missing this friendship because I’m not really sure when it’s going to come around again.

Don’t feel sad for me though. That’s not what this post was intended to do. I don’t need pity. Yes, I’m sad and it hurts. If you can feel that through my words, then that’s enough for me. Because being sad about this, it just reminds me about what matters most to me in a relationship.

The Dick

The Dick 

I went out with two of my friends one night and all three of us were horny and in a crazy ass mood: Recipe for crazy shit is about to happen. My friend Alexis saw this really hot guy down at the other end of the bar (mind you he had two other friends) and she noticed within 15 minutes they had moved all the way down to where we were sitting. So Alexis dragged me down to buy them drinks.

Fireball shots, ugh.

Then we meet a man named, HorseShoe. He was a townie and he had brain matter coming out of his skull (Halloween costume) it was the week after Halloween, but a good chunk of people were celebrating it that Saturday. Then Horseshoe told us and the three guys he has two belly buttons. And that’s how I met The Dick. (His blog name rhythms with his real name). And I don’t care if anyone figures out his real name.

He knew about my blog and we would joke that if he pissed me off I would call him The Dick. Actually the last time I ever saw him he turned around and said, “are you going to call me The Dick in your blog?”


We had a few drinks with them at the bar and they invited us over to ones of their houses to drink and play more games. We said, “hell yeah!” As we were driving my other friend Valerie made one rule “we all have to leave together. So no disappearing to have sex. I’m really only talking to you!” And see glared at me.

“Fine, no sex. I’ll make sure I come home with you guys.”

We went over to their friend Marvins house. Yeah, silly name but his real name was at the same silly level as Marvin. We had drinks, we played Cards against Humanity. Dick was charming, funny and a wonderful dresser. He knew how to wear clothes. This is a rare find. He was my age, just out of school and working for the government. He was very charming. (Though my bitchy friend (Max) said he had a “butter face” but looks only go so far for me, so I didn’t care what my friend said, he was charming and what I was looking for. He was very sweet and caring to me. He had wanted to major in journalism in school but ended up switching out to something else. And when mention to someone that you write, who also enjoys writing it becomes a big turn on. Don’t ask me why, but it’s become a pick-up line almost. Or when I was on tour for poetry I would get hit on so much.

At a certain point during the night, as Marvin’s his other friend had informed us he had this cool stuff to look at. Everyone went downstairs, but Dick and I and before I knew it I was on top of him making out. And very quickly had to act like we weren’t kissing because my friend Valerie ran up screaming because Marvin has this huge picture of the city we live. We saw it at an art show and were like, “OMG we want it!” But it’s too expensive. Marvin bought the fucking thing! We were shocked!


Within a week, The Dick and I were talking on the phone and planned to go out for drinks. Which never happened because he canceled last minute and within hours of canceling text me that he was “seeing someone.” When I (or most people) read “seeing someone” you take it that they must be dating around, playing the field, etc. I’ve used “seeing someone” in that very context. I told him I was fine with this and made it clear what I thought “seeing someone” means. He felt really bad for bailing on me so he took me out to a really nice dinner, coffee and we watched movies at my place afterward.

He was really wonderful when we spent time together those few weeks. Our humor bounced off each other well, he was a smart guy and we had really great chemistry.


On Black Out Wednesday, my friends and I went out to a local bar that starts with a J. Locals tend to gather here (he was a local) which lead to this bar or this particular night. A bunch of my friends were out with us as well. I met a bunch of his friends that night as well.

I was standing near with my friend Valerie enjoying my drink and chatting. Next I heard a buddy of his said, “where’s your girlfriend dude?”

I should have put the pieces together. Connected the dots when he stayed over at my place and then would stop over at his friends house. Should have listened closer when he said, “seeing someone.”

**You would think after being cheated on twice I would see the red flags more quickly.

He came over to my house that night and we had a very long talk. Yes, he had a girlfriend. Yes, he understands “seeing someone” is misleading. Yes, he really liked spending time with me and thought I was amazing.

Yes, he’s done this before. In college, he had made out with two other girls but with me was the farthest he’d taken things with something (I mean we were practically dating). Yes, he almost thought about breaking it off with her and yes a part of me wanted him to.

But I made this a lot easier, I told him we couldn’t even be friends anymore. And that he should tell her what happened because you can’t keep lies like that to someone you love and lies like those have a way of getting out in the end. He started crying because he said he loved her and didn’t mean for this, he didn’t want to tell her. He said he wasn’t going to go out anymore.

I’m sure he apologized for all this, but I don’t remember that. I do remember being very honest with him. Which is something I’ve lacked in past dating experiences, so I was very blunt with him that he hurt me and he’s hurting someone else and I’ve been on the other side of cheating and it’s even worse. And that if he loves her he should tell her the truth. I told him I never wanted to see him again because I liked him too much and couldn’t torture myself like that.

He left his jacket in my room and called me 10 minutes after he had just left my house. I put the jacket on the porch and before he made it up to my porch I went back to my room and cried. I slept most of the day.

Later that day (after some very quick googling) I found his wedding registry. 2016 or 2015 was when they planned to get married. It makes me wonder if anything he said to me was true. Or exactly what was true.

I avoided this bar ( the J bar was always at when I was seeing him) for months and another part of me wanted to show up at the bar. To see if he really hadn’t gone out anymore. Also, to walk around looking good. A reminder that I’m worth something more. (I never saw him there).


This past December I went back to that bar, a year later and he wasn’t there. I haven’t seen since that morning he left my house.

I don’t think I was that upset it didn’t work out between us. I think I cried more about the fact that he went back to her because he loved her. It made me think about my Ex when he cheated on me. He didn’t come back to me, he fell in love and started a new relationship without even telling me.  He didn’t come back to me and he left me before I knew I was left.

“I did not know him, I knew my idea
of him.” ― Sharon Olds

Virgin Blow Job

Never do you imagine the “picture perfect” to happen: lying down with someone (who you went out of your way to see) in a corn field, by a tree, looking up at the stars, because they’re so clear in the Midwest, unlike in my hometown. You’re lying down on a blanket with a handsome guy cuddling  you and as you fool around he says” yeah it’s not like were getting married or anything so this is fine.”

Caillum is a virgin and I’m sure he still is (hence the present tense of this sentence) but I’m also sure he’s back with his girlfriend. He’s religious (church going) and I mean clearly he’s very religious (saving himself) He’s tall and has a red beard.

At the time, Caillum seemed to really like me. He was sweet, caring and said the nicest things about me.This was everything I thought I was looking for in someone, minus a few traits, but I was ok with the differences.

I was visiting my hometown when we started talking. He was living a state over from where I was going to school (but he was from the town where I was going to school) We Skyped when I was across the country and fell asleep via Skype more times than I can count.

When I got back to my school he wanted me to drive over and visit him and on two occasions I almost did. I mean I felt like I could trust this guy because I did know my best friends had known him since they were little kids in school but still…I was driving a long distance and it sounded more comforting to bring someone with me just in case. But I never went. Something in my gut told me not too, plus I didn’t have much cash at the time to be making trips like that and he was working so I wouldn’t even of had that much time to spend with him.

A few months later he told me he was moving about 45 minutes from where I lived. We were both excited. So the night he got into town I drove over to see him. It was 1AM and I almost didn’t go but decided to anyways. When I pulled into town it was extremely foggy and I got lost for 30minutes, plus he had fallen asleep and I almost turned back around until he picked up at the last minute.

I picked him up and we drove out to a corn field. We laid down together and it didn’t feel right. You know that feeling when you try on a pair of shoes and they’re too tight? That was the feeling. He was so handsome and had this wonderful smile and this perfect body, but it didn’t feel right. The kissing was ok, but it wasn’t anything to write home on:

I don’t believe first kisses are amazing, they are always a bit shaky, but we’re talking a few seconds tops and then it moves on. But most of the time you’re not thinking about the shake, you’re thinking about his hands, the heat or the energy coming off his body. But bad kissing you’re thinking about the tongue, why is it so wet and why is my face moist?

I didn’t fit into Caillum’s arms like a missing piece. It was awkward and stiff and he wasn’t soft. He was a virgin but I guess giving someone a blow job doesn’t count (it so fucking does) I’m sorry if there’s big white pearly gates and he shows up there in the afterlife I’m going to slap him and say, “you jerk I sucked your dick, same difference!”

But I went down on him nonetheless and he gave me nothing but bad fingering and awkward touching. Also, we went into dry humping and I was thinking to myself, “ok, I haven’t done this since Freshmen year of high school, what the fuck?! Really? No, I don’t do dry humping…I just have sex at this point.”

Again, for him there was no desire to be soft.  

When he told me “its not like we’re getting married” it wasn’t that I had been dreaming of marrying him or anything close to that. It’s just that when someone makes a statement like that you really feel like a chew toy. I was a girl to enjoy sin with because I was sinful. I was quick pleasure and then one day he would find another girl to call sweet, to call Girlfriend and he would take her inside his house, have her meet his friends and family. I was just something to fuck with until the real deal came along. That’s how I felt and that’s how I had been feeling with the past few guys. I was a good time. Not the girl you want to hold all night long, or call beautiful. I felt like such a piece of meat and I thought about all the looks, all the moans when I took my clothes off, when someone grabbed my hips and flipped me over in position.

I was walking entertainment and I felt so shitty.

I would spend one more night with Caillum, because I was lonely and he Facebooked me out of the blue to join in him the corn field again and pretend it’s romantic and ignore the fact that I’m just a warm body.

I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind and took my shirt off and pretended to enjoy his arms grasping at me.


Easter Sunday Sex (He has Risen! Wait, give it a minute! Ok, now we’re good!)



A month after Chance stopped talking to me I was still pretty bummed out. Seeing Chance with this new girl, who he hooked-up this over spring break didn’t help matters. It was Easter weekend and all my roommates went home to visit. But I didn’t go home (far away). Same with Tina and my other friend. We decided to go out drinking. I decided to Facebook my roommates friend Joel. I kind of knew Joel. I wasn’t ever planning on hooking up with him. I just knew he wasn’t going to visit home until the morning on Easter Sunday. He was working so he had to stay until the day of, so I thought it would be nice to see if he wanted drinks.

Background Story:

For those that haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a BIG OLD FLIRT! I’m very comfortable talking about sex and I enjoy talking about sex.

During a late birthday party downtown, I got really drunk. We were dancing at a bar and then next thing my friend Tina knew I was gone. I guess I walked to the bar next door to chat with my roommates who I knew were drinking there. Joel and two other guys were there and I was being chatty with them. Tina found me talking with them all, about all the kinky stuff I liked, tying me up, anal, handcuffs, the list goes on and on. You name it, I said it.


Then Tina came over and found me. Then Tina and I made out and then we said “see you guys later” and walked away.

Tina wasn’t as drunk and she remembers after we made out and walked away she had never seen so many guys just sit in amazement with their mouths open. I remember Tina saying, “It was like a cartoon.”


Another night: I was upset about Chance and I was playing a drinking game at my house (roommates had a party) I had to remove a piece of clothing. So I took off my white undershirt. I was wearing a white lace top and you could see my bra. This other guy (who I would hook-up with was like, “I can see your bra.” Oh, that guy….ugh Mess!


1AM (Easter Sunday) 

It’s all a blur how Joel and I ended up hooking up.

I think I was texting him.

OH! I remember I was in my room with Tina and I was crying (a little drunk) over Chance. I was still very upset. Tina had left at this point and I had unlocked the back door. Joel came up to my room and we had sex. Well, it was a bit of a struggle. There was a lot of drinking that night and well you know where I’m going and ejection issues. But we finally had sex. It was anything magical.

But Joel was sweet. We laid together for a bit. Then he had to leave because he needed to get ready for the long drive home for Easter Sunday. I remember he kissed me, covered me with blankets and was sweet.

The next day I would find a bite mark on the back of my leg and I knew God was trying to tell me, “Really? Sex on Easter? You have all the other days”. Well, Maybe Christmas would be weird too.

There would be a series of issues to why we never ended up dating. Though we both wanted to. The timing was never right.

  • I got nervous and slept with his friend (post to come) this bugged him (some stupid bro code)
  • He was still hung up on my roommate (he had a crush on her for years, she had been stringing him on for years)
  • He was struggling in school
  • I was struggling in trusting someone

We almost had everything worked out  and we had planned on trying to date. But then it just all fell apart. I was really disappointed. I remember that night I was crying in the shower and I just kind of collapsed with the water still on. I was losing all hope and still dealing with a lot of past pain. I would hook-up with my Fuck Buddy that night. That was the night I ended up in the wrong bed.

I Cry at Dog Funerals

I have this terrible infliction, or quirk I guess? A quality one possesses and you hope others find it endearing, cute, all those fucking sweet, honey and sugar synonyms to describe a cute gal pal.

I cry when animals die. Sounds, normal right? Anyone would be sad if a puppy died, or your pet of 10 years passed away. Yeah, take it to the next level. Not only do I cry when animals die but the personification of an animal is so moving I cry. Like this short film for example:

I just cried and cried the whole damn time.

Other moments in film and TV I cried when no one else did:

  1. Two Brothers (Cried when I realized the mother tiger wasn’t dead) (Also the scene when they first showed the two different worlds the brother grew up in)
  2. When the dog Chin-Chin dies in Gilmore Girls
  3. Marley and Me (Ok i know a lot of people cried when the dog dies but my boyfriend of the time had fallen asleep half way through and woke up to me crying and was like, “whats wrong?!” Through my gasping for air I said, “Marley didn’t make it.”
  4. The 2013 Budweiser Super Bowl Ad with the guy and the horse. (Cried a whole lot)
  5. When the Dog from I am Legend dies. (I think the dog in the book is even more sad too)
  6. My Dog Skipwhen skip dies at the end.
  7. The Opening scene to Finding Nemo. The music for the opening always makes me cry too. I love that little bit of music so much!
  8. The ending to Homeward Bound!
  9. Dumbo cries for his mom. SAD! I always cry.
  10. Oh my God, when Littlefoot’s mom dies.
  11. As a child, I had an attachment to stuffed animals. I had a lot of them and struggled to give them away. You know what I thought? They wouldn’t be taken care of and they would miss me!

I’m going to stop there because I’ll just keep thinking of sad animal movies and cartoons.

Yeah, let’s end this sad post with a sad GIF