Got Milk?

One of my best friends from high school who was in choir, speech and soccer with me is a registered nurse now. An extremely talented one I might add. She’s on the night shift for the next five months. It sucks, but I don’t sleep so perfect for hanging out!

We’ve both been busy and I haven’t had much time for stories and I guess I’ve continually left out to her I haven’t had sex in a year and a half. She was shocked to say the least and was worried I had fallen ill by some continue strep throat making me too weak.

I told her about the last time I had sex, my hot mess, waking up naked in his roommate’s bed. One of the many signs I needed to stop going down the path I was on. (Ha! going down pun not intended). I was just really hurt by all these guys and instead of dealing with it I was fucking the problems brains out.

I don’t want to hand out the milk anymore. Because no one seems interested in the cow (yes, I realize I just called myself a cow.) Plus the emotional and trust issues don’t help matters.

I feel like most of my past dating experiences no one wanted to commit, I was a good time. And it did hurt when they left and the next person they were with was worth the label, was the embarrassing and pointless “we’re in a relationship status.” I don’t get any of that anymore and at one point that made me feel really shitty.

So I told my best friend, no…I don’t have sex anymore. I don’t trust anymore and every time I get close to someone they just disappear and I’m tired of adjusting to guys coming in and out of my life. I like being on my own, I’m happy, I’m a hard worker and the last four years of no “‘I’m not in a relationship” on Facebook has helped me figure a lot about myself.

Of course, I still miss having someone around. As much as any of us say how adjusted and happy we are being alone. The opposite is always true. It’s that pull, the back, and forth forces making sure we take a risk now and then.

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Baggage Claim

After enough time has passed we take our baggage and dump out the contents, the lies, cheating and the fabric of our old relationships. Without a handbook, school lesson plans or DIY step by step guides we still know how to dump out the memories like blinking when the wind blows dust around.

I dumped all my “baggage” out a few months ago, after the one-year marker of no sex, gaining my fair share in ice cream weight and after I cried enough to fill up  The Great Salt Lake.  Still, after it was all said and done I felt sad and I had these new set of insecurities involving sex, my body, and love.

We forget about the what the “baggage” came in, like an old suitcase in the corner. And I have like five suitcases sitting in my garage (that’s not a metaphor, that’s a real thing, moving across the country sucks). I’m sure I was conscious (back to the metaphor) when I didn’t throw out the last pieces of my old relationships. Maybe I’m not ready to let go, never believed in ripping off the band-aid, or denial has taken hold. Whatever the reason I forgot about the suitcases linger in the back. And on the days I trip over them and hit my shins I realize I have a long way to go before I’m all the way healed.

I spend a lot of time pretending I don’t know I have extra baggage and pretend like I don’t know what my remaining baggage is exactly. This is an utter and complete lie. I think about my leftover baggage each time I get naked with a man. I think about my baggage each time I look down at my body, each blouse, each button I misplace, I know exactly what’s holding me back.

In hopes of throwing out the last of my baggage I hope to confess every piece nasty memory I have been carrying in my mind each time I lie down naked with someone, every time I try to enjoy someone’s smile and each time another “he” leaves me, I remember every nasty memory all over again, like I’m reliving the moments again.

  1. My high school boyfriend (Adam) and I had already moved from just making out, to fingering, handjobs, to oral. One night when we weren’t watching the movie on the TV he went down on me, unzipped my pants and right as he went down for a moment came back up and made the most disgusted sound and faces and said he couldn’t handle the smell of my body and instead I went down on him and his sweaty balls.. *I’m sure I had showered and I was only a young teenage girl, going through every short of change, but of course I still question my hygiene to this day.  I have carried such a massive insecurity about someone going down on me.
  2. My senior year of high school Adam and I went to my senior prom together. I did my hair, wore a beautiful blue dress, strapless, ruffled at my bust like the waves of the ocean. He looked at me and said I was wearing too much make-up. Thank goodness my best friend Tammy told him to shut the fuck up.
  3. My boyfriend who cheated on me, the first time we broke up (before the cheating) one of the reasons we broke up was because he didn’t like how I was always wearing sweatshirts and not wearing enough make-up.
  4. My boyfriend who cheated on me, the second and last time we broke up I knew for a fact he couldn’t stand me being better at speech than him. I was a better coach and a better performer. He couldn’t handle this.
  5. ^He called me stupid and told me to shut-up a lot^ I always thought it was joking. This is not true. It’s hard now when people tell me to shut-up or say I’m dumb because of him. I flinch when someone tells me to shut-up. Even in a joking matter.
  6. When I found ^his^ list of all the girls he had dated and I saw my qualities were “sporty body” and “can get guys easy” I felt like I had nothing to offer but a body and flirtatious charm. That was the first time I felt like a slut.
  7. The last time my ex (who cheated on me) and I ever spoke, we were trying to be friends and it was going well until the really deep seeded emotions came out. He screamed and demanded I leave his house, cussed me out and flipped me off as I drove away. (My guy friend was also hanging out with us at the time and saw everything).
  8. My boyfriend John told me, “no one is ever going to love you, no one is ever going to want to marry you.” Sometimes on very dark days or right after a break up I think of those words and wonder he really did curse me.
  9. When I went to give John a piece of my mind and I ended up in the shower with him.
  10. That moment on the leather couch, or was it cross stitched patterned? Were the lights on or off? Was there a pool table or a beer pong table next to us? Was I really even drunk? These details are fuzzy and it’s weird to explain the moment: I was more watching then present, like an out of body experience or fly on the wall. I can see the hands holding me and the unwanted touching and my slow reaction.
  11. I think the moment I was lying on the floor, in a room filled with cigarette smoke and I was so hurt by how he left me. He just left, walked out and onto another girl. I thought fucking someone else was going hurt him somehow. Like when a boy pulls a girl’s pigtails. When in reality I’d become every terrible angsty teen novel and I fucked the guy covered in tattoos, the tongue piercing, who smelled and tasted of cigarettes. I closed my eyes and pretend to be somewhere else and this fuck changed everything. I fucked about six more guys like him, all different heights, variety of personalities but surprisingly all tasted of smoke and ash. I no longer can smell cigarettes without having flashbacks. Within a few months sex was no longer about love or sharing a moment with someone, it was my meal ticket to self-worth.

There.

Deep breath.

*Coincidence that yesterday one of the suitcases (literally a suitcase I own) fell apart yesterday and this morning as I was leaving for work  I watched the garbage truck haul it away.

Mclovin’

Issac

I don’t even know what to say about this hookup. It was random, he was my good friends, friend and she knew he liked me. (when I mean liked me, I mean wanted to fuck me). He planned out how he was going to hit on me at a house party his roommates and him were throwing.

The best way to describe Issac is that he is the spanish version of McLovin’. Now I don’t mean in looks, actually Issac was pretty attractive, but he was short. As short as the ex that cheated on me. (When I mean short, I mean my height…I’m 5’2′).

So Issac was McLovin in the sense of height and flirtation level. Kind of lame and sad. But I was going through my (sure I’ll flip upside for you) phase. Issac was pretty recent during the whole Ben and Joel mess too.

This was a sweating, meh hookup. He wore briefs and I have never seen on a man and I figured because his international this was the way you go back there, so eh. I prefer boxers because they aren’t so close to my underwear (I don’t competition) and I like wearing boxers.

That’s about it, half way through my friend grabbed me and took me home. Oh! Also, I almost lost my driver’s licence in the alleyway and my friend walked back and forth with me but I found it! Ha!!

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Easter Sunday Sex (He has Risen! Wait, give it a minute! Ok, now we’re good!)

Joel

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A month after Chance stopped talking to me I was still pretty bummed out. Seeing Chance with this new girl, who he hooked-up this over spring break didn’t help matters. It was Easter weekend and all my roommates went home to visit. But I didn’t go home (far away). Same with Tina and my other friend. We decided to go out drinking. I decided to Facebook my roommates friend Joel. I kind of knew Joel. I wasn’t ever planning on hooking up with him. I just knew he wasn’t going to visit home until the morning on Easter Sunday. He was working so he had to stay until the day of, so I thought it would be nice to see if he wanted drinks.


Background Story:

For those that haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a BIG OLD FLIRT! I’m very comfortable talking about sex and I enjoy talking about sex.

During a late birthday party downtown, I got really drunk. We were dancing at a bar and then next thing my friend Tina knew I was gone. I guess I walked to the bar next door to chat with my roommates who I knew were drinking there. Joel and two other guys were there and I was being chatty with them. Tina found me talking with them all, about all the kinky stuff I liked, tying me up, anal, handcuffs, the list goes on and on. You name it, I said it.

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Then Tina came over and found me. Then Tina and I made out and then we said “see you guys later” and walked away.

Tina wasn’t as drunk and she remembers after we made out and walked away she had never seen so many guys just sit in amazement with their mouths open. I remember Tina saying, “It was like a cartoon.”

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Another night: I was upset about Chance and I was playing a drinking game at my house (roommates had a party) I had to remove a piece of clothing. So I took off my white undershirt. I was wearing a white lace top and you could see my bra. This other guy (who I would hook-up with was like, “I can see your bra.” Oh, that guy….ugh Mess!

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1AM (Easter Sunday) 

It’s all a blur how Joel and I ended up hooking up.

I think I was texting him.

OH! I remember I was in my room with Tina and I was crying (a little drunk) over Chance. I was still very upset. Tina had left at this point and I had unlocked the back door. Joel came up to my room and we had sex. Well, it was a bit of a struggle. There was a lot of drinking that night and well you know where I’m going and ejection issues. But we finally had sex. It was anything magical.

But Joel was sweet. We laid together for a bit. Then he had to leave because he needed to get ready for the long drive home for Easter Sunday. I remember he kissed me, covered me with blankets and was sweet.

The next day I would find a bite mark on the back of my leg and I knew God was trying to tell me, “Really? Sex on Easter? You have all the other days”. Well, Maybe Christmas would be weird too.


There would be a series of issues to why we never ended up dating. Though we both wanted to. The timing was never right.

  • I got nervous and slept with his friend (post to come) this bugged him (some stupid bro code)
  • He was still hung up on my roommate (he had a crush on her for years, she had been stringing him on for years)
  • He was struggling in school
  • I was struggling in trusting someone

We almost had everything worked out  and we had planned on trying to date. But then it just all fell apart. I was really disappointed. I remember that night I was crying in the shower and I just kind of collapsed with the water still on. I was losing all hope and still dealing with a lot of past pain. I would hook-up with my Fuck Buddy that night. That was the night I ended up in the wrong bed.

Rollin’ Off My Bed

Chance

The night my friend (and future roommate) broke up with her girlfriend we had all planned on going out downtown for the night of dancing and drinking. My friend came over upset and curled up in my bed. I was putting on make-up, my hair was looking nice for once and I had on this very cute but very casual  outfit. Which, if you’re a woman is the grand prize of going out. The “hot outfit, but I look like I did nothing.” She decided not to go out with me and my friend Tina.

Bad idea #1: Not having my friend there to watch Tina and I. Not only did Tina and I not drive downtown (got rides with current roommates) but we were drinking and dancing like sex beasts.

At one of my favorite Midwestern bars (which is sadly closed down) Tina and I were on the dance floor when this cute, tall guy kind of came up to me and seemed to want to dance, but little old awkward me danced the other way. This prompted Tina of course to tell me, “dude he likes you.”

“Wait, he wants to dance with me?”

“Yes.” And as Tina says yes to me she simultaneously pushed me at him.

I literally fall into his arms. Thank God he caught me. 10 songs later, 6 pretty heavy make out session on the dance floor later and ending up on a college twitter make out page he asks if I want to go back to his place. I say, “yeah.” Trying not think about the fact that it’s my last day of my period. So in my head I’m like “fuck, FUCK, FUCK!”

I’m not about to have sex on my period, but something inside of me also said not to lose out on this guy. (Stupid) Plus trying to explain drunk at a bar, “I’M MENSTRUATING” is not an attractive conversation. So I say fuck it, I’ll figure it out.

Before we leave the bar he buys a few drinks and my roommates come up and hug me. I’m confused to why they are laughing (I a later they knew him.) Tina checks on me and I find out she’s hooking up with an international guy from Africa.

As I’m standing at the bar with this attractive, tall guy I realize I don’t know his name. He slides his debit card on the bar, I lean over and see the name, Chance. I sneaker a bit, drunk me thinking how fucking clever I must be. Not.


At his place, I walk into a typical college guys house. Maybe four or so guys live there. There must have been a party going on before hand but now it was quite. Walking up the stairs into his bedroom we kiss, we undress a bit and I lay out next to him, on top of him, tangled in him. His room was covered in car posters, AC/DC and running posters.

He asks me, “wait, what’s your name?” We laugh and I tell him. I get a double check on Chance. This rolls into the fact that we both like running, I played soccer, I ride dirt bikes. Which is always my secret hot thing about myself.

I never knew this as a young kid the fact I ride motorcycles would get me laid. Motorcycles upstairs this, “badass” quality to it. Unlike how I eat or try to walk down a flight of stairs. It turned from a hook-up into talking and “wait, you like ______? OMG! Me too!” I was so excited

The last time, I was that excited was when I was dating Peeta. Chance made me excited to be on top of him. He was cute, sexy and goofy too. He also had this quality in his voice talking to me and this look in his eyes that said, “Wow, how lucky I am I found you.”

We spent the whole night talking, maybe slept an hour or two. The next day after a rainy night his car got humorously stuck in the mud and he had to bother his roommates car to drop me off.


I walked into my house so excited for this new guy. I walked up stairs and as I open my door to my bedroom I see my friend in my bed and then I see another head in my bed. My guy friend and her guy friend, but I guess more than a friend now. So I grabbed a towel and took a shower. Came back they were dressing and he took off. I laughed at her and she was like, “where is Tina!?” I was like, “oh thanks about worrying where I’ve been all night!”

“Oh, you can handle yourself!”


The next night (my period was over) I went over to his place and we had sex.

I don’t remember the sex being earth shattering. It wasn’t raining outside his window on this night and I only remember little pieces of his body and mine together.

I think when someone really disappoints you and breaks your heart, your mind really starts to actively get rid of happy memories. Like when you throw away old photos. So I don’t remember much of the happy times with Chance. I never wanted to and in my other blog, I was much mean about Chance. He was an asshole, he’s still an asshole, like much of my dating pool. But I’ve been foolish to act like all these guys didn’t give me something. They did make me smile at one point.

Also, it’s a bit too painful to remember the good parts. It makes me miss things. Not the person, but the feelings. Good memories make me miss love, then I miss relationships and then being single gets that much harder.

And I don’t need those feelings attacking me every day. So it’s easier to not remember.

But for a moment I will say: He was a nice guy when we dated. We had sex two-three times a day for three months. Oh, believe me this is no joke. We had a lot of sex and it only got better and kinkier over the three months. We watched Tv shows together and we ate pizza in bed, which is every girl dreams (to eat in bed)


But after three months, I wanted more. I wanted to know I was his girlfriend. Chance was leaving for a week for spring break. I stayed the night at his house. We didn’t have sex, there was a distance I didn’t want to talk about and a lingering conversation I didn’t want remember. I dropped him off for his trip. We kissed and he said, “see you in a week.”

Pulling up to my house the song, “Daylight” by Maroon 5 came on and I knew that was the last night I would spend with Chance and I didn’t cry.

How cheesy do I sound?

That goodbye was the last time we ever spoke. The last time I would really see him. Of course, I saw him at parties and downtown, but that would be it. We would cross paths at parties like we had never met.


So now that he’s an asshole I’m going to tell the most embarrassing story about him. The title of this post will all make sense now.

One night after going out Chance had a little bit too much to drink. Besides casting himself into the cast of How I Met Your Mother, he was Lily and I was Marshall. (Mess) He was pregnant (like how Lily becomes) and he told me not to tell anyone because the producers don’t want anyone to find out about this story line yet. (Mess)

Next, we tried (tried is key here) to have sex. It was going pretty well, but the mistake was made in changing sex positions. Doggy Style must have been a bit too much combination for Chance drunk because he fell off my bed and rammed into my desk, well more like bounced off my desk. I never knew one could bounce off a desk.

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Chance

He was the guy I fell into at a bar and he caught me.

Now he’s just the guy who fell off my bed.

I was just his rebound from a serious relationship and it hurt how he would end things (actually he never really did) He just stopped talking to me and acted like he didn’t know me.

As much as it hurt and made upset how he left things, I’m grateful it didn’t work out, because who wants to be with someone that can easily forget about all the sex, all the I want you in my life talks. Who wants to be with a guy that will pretend he doesn’t know you when it’s all over.

20 Songs You should Never have Sex to

I always see people posting blogs or playlists on Spotify of their “Top Songs to have Sex to.” So I made a list of songs I saw on other people’s yes lists.

Never should these be songs be played during sexual intercourse. 

  1. Do My Dance by Tyga ok, the start of the song…ha!
  2. Trumpets by Jason Derulo. Dear Jason Derulo, Yes it’s weird. Brass instruments in the bedroom don’t sound sexy. It’s not an image I want before you go down on me. And really starting the music video with you watching another music video of yours? unnamed
  3. Woo Woo Swag by Lil B Lets count how many times you can say bitch and swag. Such an awful song. I don’t know why anyone would want to do anything to this song. 
  4. Too Close by Next  No.
  5. Doin’ it Right by Draft Punk Maybe if you’re a robot 
  6. Birthday Sex by Jeremih I’m not sure Jeremih said a full sentence the whole song
  7. Cockiness by Rihanna “Bad feels so good?” That’s the best you could come up with??
  8. Lollipop by Li Wayne
  9. Flightless Bird by Iron and Wine <—An awkward Almost Famous sex song. 
  10. Girls by Pitbull The start of this song…bahahaha
  11. Adore You by Miley Cyrus
  12. Birthday Cake by Rihanna. I really love the comments below, like we needed the innuendos explained: Screen shot 2015-01-13 at 1.14.58 AM
  13. Trading Places by Usher Ok, all that detailed talk is just making me exhausted. “When you do it like me?” bahaha Oh, so when she do it like a man? And you’re the woman, because you’ll make the breakfast? 
  14. I invented Sex by Trey <–that’s cocky Trey
    1. I really hate songs where its like girl you gonna do this and girl you gonna do that, girl you gonna take me here. Really? you ran out of ways to pleasure her and her pleasure you in the first person??
  15. Closer by Nine Inch Nails
  16. What’s My Name by Rihanna <—Don’t worry Rihanna I’ve hooked up with guys who didn’t know my name too. And Drake, “What we can get done is 20 minutes?Oh yeah, time me more how long it will take…that gets all the ladies turned on. The punctual cummin’
  17. Sail by Awolnation OK! Why does everyone put this on their sex list playlist? No! I just think of this cat video when I hear this song. (One of the best cat videos of all time) 
  18. Like a Surgeon by Ciara I’m not sure what to say
  19. I Want Your Sex by George Michael There were a lot of life choices happening here. “Don’t need no Bible, just look in my eyes” bahaha. 
  20. The Zoo by R. Kelly:
    1. “Girl, I got you so wet
      It’s like a rain forest
      Like Jurassic Park
      Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby
      You and me hopping
      Like two kangaroos
      Rattling and moaning
      Out here in these woods”

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The Fuck Buddy

Joshua 

He has a boyfriend now and I’m so happy to see him finally happy with his life. Joshua is one of the few guys I’ve slept with that I still speak to on occasion. We swap poetry or talk about speech and debate.

Joshua was a random hook up that I never saw coming. We were drunk at a bar with friends. Tina my best friend went out to the car to give this guy she had been seeing a blow job and I was sitting at the bar with Josh. “Peter” (aka tree star tattoo dude) was there. Josh and Peter were co-workers at the time and both really just hated each other.

Josh drunkenly looks at me and is like, “let’s piss him off by making out.”

You know those nights when you were dealing with a terrible breakup and even more terrible guy you tried dating afterwards? You’re almost blacked out drunk but not…but almost:

I remember the bar.

(black out)

I remember the walk to the car home.

(black out)

Then I came to having sex with Josh… (no pun intended Ha!) 

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I was like, “oh ok…cool. Good job drunk me.”

We had pretty rough sex too (very nice)

We both came, he got up, changed, left and I passed out.

Everything I wanted in a hook-up.

I’m a firm believer that fuck buddies/hook-ups should never spend the night  because then it’s more than a fuck, more than a hook-up. I don’t want to sleep with a fuck buddy and cuddle. I don’t want to talk about my family or cry about my life. I just want to get naked and move on. Kind of like a post office. (Weird image)

Cuddling, smiles and late night talks are for guys I may want more from. (Expect with Mitt. I stayed there because I was drunk and didn’t want to pay from a taxi. But we didn’t touch or cuddle. I just passed out.)


That Other Time

Gosh, I don’t remember. He was hanging out at my house with his friends and mine, we were horny, so we had sex.

A little drunk on wine. Ok, really drunk on wine.

Actually the next morning I needed to be up early and go with my roommate to pick her parents up. She comes into my room to bring me yoghurt and you get my ass up early.

She sets down the yoghurt and then goes, “oh my god there is a condom on your desk!” Then she goes, “oh my god there is another one on the floor and one by the trash can!!” DAMNIT!

Then she’s like, “Ahh well, not like I’m surprised. And then we sat in my room and chatted about our nights and when we needed leave the house for the long drive to the airport.


The last time I had sex (1 year and two months ago)

I was super fucking drunk. I was actually really upset about this guy (Jeremy) we had almost dated but it didn’t work out. I was pretty bummed. I remember crying in the shower and I got out and had this text from Joshua seeing if I wanted to grab drinks. Fuck yeah, I did.

We went to his house afterwards. Mind you Josh lived with three girls from speech and debate, who I knew very well. Three vegas bombs, two very large glasses of cider, I think a shot of tequila and two bottles of dark beer later I blacked out. But came to enough to me scratching the bedroom walls naked, having sex and moaning very loud.

Next thing I know I’m awake, it’s about 7am and I’m in a different bedroom than Josh’s room. I realize I’m in Katie’s room (his roommate) and I’m fucking butt ass naked. She walks in and she’s like “oh hey there!”

Me: “This is the wrong room and I have no clothes.”

Katie: Yeah, I found you in here and asked what you were doing and you said, “I’m sleepin’!” So I’m gonna take a shower and you can go back to Josh’s room.

Thank goodness I knew her and thank goodness she was pulling an all-nighter for an event. But I did have to see her at the event.

FUCK MY LIFE!

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My face when I woke up in the wrong bed