Past the Time Texting and Talking (Over it)

March has really been a great month. Two of my poems got accepted into two places I was really hoping to get into. I’ll be interviewing for a head coach for speech next month and I’ve just been happy and feeling grateful. I’ve finally started to find the right energy being back home.

Also, a lot has happened ex-wise the past few weeks.

*Side Note: I don’t know why but ex’s always seem to have a way of sneaking back into my life. This is why most of them are blocked on my social media sites and my cell number. I also want to note I hate mentioning my ex so often and it must not be fun for guys who I have seen in the past but I really think ex’s are a large part of who I once was, what got me to where I am now and are a chunk of what I first wrote about. It’s therapeutic for me in a way.

I’ve been having extremely vivid dreams this month. I dreamt about two ex’s and they were very distant in the dream, in the background and Ignored them. In the dreams its like I realized who they really were and how they had once treated me. Which is different, because sometimes my ex’s are in my dreams and we are close, hugging, kissing and smiling. It was a relief to see me finally let go and realize who they were even in my dreams. I finally saw them for the terrible people they were and how badly they treated me. I woke up feeling as though I had let go leftover lingering feelings.

An old Ex text me two weeks ago. Missing me, wanting to chat, see how I was doing. This is an Ex I ended on pretty good terms with. Yes, I was pretty hurt when it didn’t work out and it didn’t work out because he said he wasn’t in a good place and he would drag me down. Ok, every other guy who’s tried to say this, “bullshit” but this guy…it’s 100% true. He was in a dirt shit place in school and life. Bad family problems and I had been doing so well. I really had my shit together my last year of college. (Besides a few moments) But that last spring I was work, work, work and in love with writing poetry , had my head down. Looking back I’m very thankful he was smart enough and mature enough to realize he couldn’t have been the guy I wanted to be with. I’m very thankful he knew being in a relationship would have been more toxic than healthy between us.

But he texted me and it’s hard. I really liked him, it really crushed me when it didn’t work out. I mean I got really drunk the night it all fell apart. I ended up naked in the wrong bed story. Not one of my smart moves in life. With this ex, it was all about timing. Really bad timing and now we live really far away from each other, so nothing would ever happen. So he’s texting me on and off. And at this moment it really bothers me. I don’t like feeling like a part time thing. A fling when he’s bored and nothing else their’s no one else better to talk to. I always feel like second string, the past the time, until they find the one.

I’m sick of being the part-time play thing.

One of my pet peeves is talking and talking to someone and then just dropping the communication. I hate that. It makes you feel like you’re no longer important until they get bored again.

And if they are really done, they don’t want me anymore, not interested, then fine. I’m ok with that.

But don’t come crawling back because you realized you fucked up and missed out on a great woman.

Funny, that seems to happen with a lot of my ex’s…

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I’m a full-time woman and a hard worker. I’m over guys coming in and out of my life. Want to have sex with me? Then talk to me for months at a time. Not just when you feel like. Because then my pussy may just not feel like it.

Real communication skills, get some.

Through Lungs

Are there certain thoughts you don’t talk to anyone about? Do most people go through their day without so much as a word about how they’re really feeling? I know at least I do.

I know at least this describes myself.

Most my friends would be shocked to hear me utter ” I’m a really shy person.”  I was a really shy kid in a very large family. Both my parents have four siblings, which adds up a lot of cousins and large dinner events. I was the kid in the family that needed to warm up before I would start chatting. Actually this still rings true a bit. I’ve had many professors ask me, “what are thinking about?” Always noticing my wheels turning but saying nothing. Also, many acquaintances have taken my silence and shy behaviour as rude behaviour on my part. When they themselves lack the proper understanding: that I’m shy, that I struggle with a learning disability and social cues haven’t always been a natural development. I’m a more watch and learn kind of a person. So I’ve always kept to myself more.

I’ve had numerous ex’s (at the time boyfriends) inform me I’m more the “fun girl” the “happy go lucky lady” and I lack a certain level of depth. Which I know is not true but I do carry the trait of keeping feelings hidden from even the closest of friends. Hiding who I was started young. Not telling which level of math I was in. Not wanting to example where I was for half the day. Hiding the fact that I felt stupid and didn’t feel normal. I think on some level I still hid parts of myself.

I mean here I am, writing through anonymous blog.

Here I am letting past ex’s justify the reasons why I’m not worth their time.

So back to my question: Are their certain thoughts you never share with anyone? Do you go days, months, even years feeling a certain way and never expressing it?

I do. Has this to do with my relationship with language. Absolutely. Has writing poetry and being involved in speech and Debate helped? Without a doubt in my mind. But I still spend a good chunk of my day stewing in my thoughts.

Maybe one of these I’ll take that deep breathe in and speak my mind aloud.