My First Time


There is a lot to be said about the first time you have sex. You never forget that person, that moment and that *facepalm* feeling, “what were you thinking?” In the words of Mike Birbiglia, “At least no one saw it.”

John and I only dated for about five months, but it would a life changing five months.

Recently I told my best friend Sarah (friends since 4th grade) that if I had never met John we wouldn’t have met half of the friends we spend time with to this day. If I hadn’t dated John she may have never met her fiance. (More detail on this in a future post)

I met John (or Johnny) through a friend on Facebook. Johnny, my friend/his friend and I all ran cross country. I wasn’t running any longer though and was still dealing this a very painful back and neck injury due to soccer. We met via facebook, like any weird high school relationship starts. Note: This is such an embarrassing story for me personally.

We planned to meet at the local mall, like any young teenager with no real concept of hanging out places. My best friend Sarah came, even though I knew Johnny was a real person (thanks to my friend who knew him) Sarah just wanted to make sure he wasn’t a murder. He wasn’t a murder just in case anyone’s wondering, but after dating him and how we broke up I will say he turned out to be an asshole.

Funny Side Note: When Sarah and I first met John we both thought the same thing, ” wow he’s shorter than I thought he be.” He wasn’t super short, like he as taller than both Sarah and I. Still he was shorter than we had anticipated.

Dating in high school was so simple. Compared to dating as an adult, where you have discussions, share of each other’s emotional baggage and have an exchange of traits. Adult dating is like watching a National Geographic mating video, The Mating rituals of the Savannah” Where you watch a very bloody mating display of lion and you’re like “I want none of that.” So you go drink wine in your sweats and hang out on Tumblr.

But high school was easy. “Will you be my girl?” “Yes.” Done.

Like how it states in my title: My First Time

Johnny was my first time. I think I was 17 years old. Johnny was 17 too and only a few weeks older than me. A Taurus, I’m a Gemini.

Note: I don’t believe in horoscope in any way. I’m not laying out stones on my body or painting my body with symbols. I just the ironic description of horoscope and I believe it’s a simple/basic profile of someones personality and most people from all over understand horoscopes so there. 

We had sex. It was fine. Johnny had sex with his girlfriend before me, who moved away he claimed. I had never had sex and I was the first one out of the majority of people I knew to have sex. In his bedroom, with the TV night movie special, Catch me if you can. Surrounded by superheroes and a childhood still being played out. The moment you realize this is a stepping into who you will become, but as a young kid it’s a different thought than it is looking back on the moment.

The moment you realize this is a stepping into who you will become, but as a young kid it’s a different stepping stone you think about. As an adult you think about all the baggage it created and as a teenager it was “I’m fucking having sex!”

Did I want to have sex? Yes and No. Was I a bit hesitate? Yes. Did he push me a little bit to have sex. Oh yeah. Does this thought make me a bit uneasy as an adult? Of course.

Johnny was the first in a long line of guys I gave myself to. Gave up my body to and trying to become the definition of pleasure. I would win love through sex I thought and this only intensified after how our relationship ended.

Johnny had this long lost love for years. Some girl he just only loved but she never loved him back, until one day she did. At the end of our relationship from what I was told they started seeing each other, very intimately.

Johnny was a loser. He would go on to say this other girl was his “Jenny” and he was “Forrest Gump.”


This is how we would end. Through a terrible movie analogy.

Months afterward we would meet up again to chat.

I was still into him (but dating a friend of his) And he knew I still was into him and used this to his advantage. (We also hooked up a few times when we were both single throughout the months of fall) But one day a few weeks when I was dating one his friends we met up. Which just turned into me pointing out I knew he slept with her when we were still together and him asking me why I was seeing his friend.

And this moment I will never forget:

Johnny then told me ” no one will ever love you. No one will ever want to marry you.”

I know this is not true. But how would you feel, at 18 years old, from the first guy you had sex with? It was heart breaking for many years. Sometimes I think back to this conversation and wonder if he cursed me somehow because here I am single at 25.

Years Later

We wouldn’t talk for a long time after that conversation. Then, because he had a hold on me for the longest time. That silent sexual energy, that enegry you get from having sex and loving them. I had also just had a very awful break up with my boyfriend I had been with for four years. John was smart and he prayed on my recent break up. But our conversations and talk all ended one day when he was hitting on me via text.

John: “What did you do on your Saturday night?”

Me: “Oh just spent time with friends, went to the bars and danced. You?”

John: Oh not much, just went out, danced, did some nose candy…”

Nose Candy…? NOSE CANDY! Out of all the slang, lingo, short talk he picked NOSE CANDY! How about you just say I did some blow, or I don’t know I did cocaine. Good old cocaine

Also, John was well aware that drugs are not the way to my heart. At 25 years old I haven’t even smoked a cigarette or smoked pot. If you want to, cool. I’ve never been interested in any of it. It’s like coconut. Some people love it and some people don’t. Or like Anal.

So after this very weird text message it kind of hit me how much this guy had really hurt me, used me and was a loser. So I told him to leave me alone (Because he was also notorious for sneaking his way back into my life)

And now I call him Mr. Nose Candy.

Mr. Nose Candy would forever set in motion how I felt about my body and he was the first trip down the stairs, the first roll of the snowball effect, the one I looked back on when someone left me. When I felt like my body, my sex wasn’t enough to keep a man.

My relationship with John would be the knife in my back I would feel after numerous boyfriends cheated on me.

John was the first.

So how do I think about my first time now? I think about a bird molting.

 That’s the image in my mind.

A bird losing its wings.

The one labeled, “High School Sweetheart”

Funny I happened to start writing about this ex today, on his 25th birthday. Weird as shit how that always happens.


I suppose he’s my high school sweetheart in context, but of course we didn’t end up together, we didn’t have a happily ever after, The Notebook sex in the rain kind of story. We dated for two years and then we broke up, we dated a bit more and then we really broke it off. So you know, like normal people. I Guess?

He was sweet, kind and a pretty good boyfriend for the most part. But I am so glad we never ended up anything more than a high school couple.

Adam and I had been going to the same school since elementary school, but we didn’t really start talking and becoming friends until the end of 8th grade. Towards the end of our freshmen year, he asked me out. Like any young freshmen, we went to the regular hangout. Dinner and a movie at the local hot stop for all kids our age, the downtown area. He always gave me shit, but I order a salad on our date.

I have never told anyone this, but I order that salad because I couldn’t pronounce or really understand the menu at the downtown restaurant at. It’s still rather embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. Which makes me realize how far I’ve come since from freshmen year of school.

Still it was a nice date, one I will never forget in the terms of firsts. Adam was my first real boyfriend, first kiss, first for a good amount of things. On our first date, he gave me a candy heart that said, “first kiss” on it. Cute and don’t worry it had only been a week since valentines day, so no gross old candy heart shit. But it was sweet, he was sweet. He brought me flowers, gifts included bracelets, a necklace and a few little things I still have. Not to remember him but they are too nice to just throw in a trash can. But most of the sentimental dating stuff is long gone.


Looking back at my dating life as a young kid. I mean I didn’t have my first kiss until half way through freshmen year. man, I just snowballed into dirty time with my second boyfriend.


Even though Adam was my first for meaning things, he was not the first person I had sex with, but we did a fair share of fingers, oral and lots of dry humping in the park. Yep, that’s right I was a horny 16-year-old kid. I was going to dry hump where ever I could.

Adam was always a pretty good guy. Everything ran pretty well for us as a couple. But looking back at it I can notice a lot of issues I never noticed before. One he made me self-conscious about oral (something I’ve never told anyone) He didn’t like it, the taste, the smell. It really made me feel like it was me. I’m still pretty self-conscious about with certain guys. I guess it just depends on my level of trust. Also, my senior year of high (we weren’t a couple) but we went prom together. I had spent all day getting ready and the first thing he says to me is I was wearing too much make-up.

Also, he hated name brand clothes. I tried so hard to get him to I don’t be a normal person. I’m not talking about bullshit stuff like American eagle (yuck) or anything like that, just I don’t know something! He hated it. (My fault for trying to change someone)

**Funny, because the mother fucker is such a hipster now. No joke, he makes hipsters look well, I don’t know (what’s the opposite of hipster) He is a mother fucking label wearing, over the top hipster. I mean this guy works at a writing coffee shop and works with craft beer. Also, teaches music to kids! He needs a stamp on his ass, “100% hipster.”


Also, his parents hated me. I’ve never had people hate me so much. I never really gave them a reason to hate me too. I mean I’m not going to toot my own horn, but I’m a pretty nice and sweet person. But I was dating their only child, only son! Plus he’s mom was a clown. So there. Case solved. No joke, she was a clown, like the shit kids have nightmares about. She also didn’t understand what conversations must feel like for someone dealing with auditory processing disorder. She thought I was rude. I thought I was shy and terrified to say the wrong things. To come across as dumb.


 I wasn’t always emotionally available. I was private and didn’t have serious conversations. He told me, “I was fun.”

There was definitely a lack of understanding to what my learning disability created for me. He struggled with the fact that I didn’t cry much. (funny because I’m opposite now) when I did cry I don’t think he could handle it. He couldn’t handle the pain I felt. I don’t think he ever really understood that. But I can’t blame him, he was only a kid.

Of course like must my boyfriends I would later find out he broke up with me because he had a crush of my friend. Also, two weeks after we broke up and he told me,  “he didn’t want a girlfriend for awhile” he ended up with this girl who was new to our school. (I guess the classic lines never get old).

Sex with Adam

We did break up but towards the end of senior year we did get back together for a bit. About 5 months. He went to college near our hometown and I was going to junior college. I did end the relationship (because I liked someone else-boyfriend number 3) but Adam had already ended in many ways. He was always busy and never had time for me. He definitely pulled the if I’m a shitty boyfriend she’ll break up with me card.

Sex was terrible with him. I think we did it twice. It was bad. Like it didn’t fit. Not like he was huge by any means. I’ve had bigger, like a lot bigger. But I think my vagina was trying to stop the sex. Like my body knew it didn’t want it to happen. Can you imagine if my vagina could talk? Adam still stands as the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t even know if he came…I know I didn’t and if he says otherwise, well. we all know. (I faked it)

Vagina: Please! Please! No!!! You don’t really want this! NOOOO not that dick, please not his dick!

Adam still stands as the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I don’t even know if he came…I know I didn’t and if he says otherwise, well. we all know. (I faked it)

**Oh, on a weird side note: This is the ex I had a threesome with. Weird right? I know but yep. My senior year of high school, threesome, every mans dream happened to him at like what? 18? Wasteful!

Did I love him? Well, what love meant to high school me., so yes I did. He wasn’t always the best but when it came down to it he never yelled at me, never was emotionally or physically abusive and he did do some pretty sweet things. At the end of the day, I was on his mind.

Adam, the high school sweetheart. Thanks for being a pretty decent guy. I wish you well and I know you would say the same for me.

We stayed in touch for a few years afterward. We use to text each other on birthdays. That hasn’t happened in a long time. We had drinks with another friend like 3 years ago. But other than that we don’t talk. I’m not sad by this at all. I’ve realized though Adam was a pretty nice boyfriend, he also created a lot of my insecurities and fear of parents, definitely fear of parents is thanks to his family. Still to this day I hate meeting the parents.

So one last time “Happy Birthday Adam.”