The Dick

The Dick 

I went out with two of my friends one night and all three of us were horny and in a crazy ass mood: Recipe for crazy shit is about to happen. My friend Alexis saw this really hot guy down at the other end of the bar (mind you he had two other friends) and she noticed within 15 minutes they had moved all the way down to where we were sitting. So Alexis dragged me down to buy them drinks.

Fireball shots, ugh.

Then we meet a man named, HorseShoe. He was a townie and he had brain matter coming out of his skull (Halloween costume) it was the week after Halloween, but a good chunk of people were celebrating it that Saturday. Then Horseshoe told us and the three guys he has two belly buttons. And that’s how I met The Dick. (His blog name rhythms with his real name). And I don’t care if anyone figures out his real name.

He knew about my blog and we would joke that if he pissed me off I would call him The Dick. Actually the last time I ever saw him he turned around and said, “are you going to call me The Dick in your blog?”


We had a few drinks with them at the bar and they invited us over to ones of their houses to drink and play more games. We said, “hell yeah!” As we were driving my other friend Valerie made one rule “we all have to leave together. So no disappearing to have sex. I’m really only talking to you!” And see glared at me.

“Fine, no sex. I’ll make sure I come home with you guys.”

We went over to their friend Marvins house. Yeah, silly name but his real name was at the same silly level as Marvin. We had drinks, we played Cards against Humanity. Dick was charming, funny and a wonderful dresser. He knew how to wear clothes. This is a rare find. He was my age, just out of school and working for the government. He was very charming. (Though my bitchy friend (Max) said he had a “butter face” but looks only go so far for me, so I didn’t care what my friend said, he was charming and what I was looking for. He was very sweet and caring to me. He had wanted to major in journalism in school but ended up switching out to something else. And when mention to someone that you write, who also enjoys writing it becomes a big turn on. Don’t ask me why, but it’s become a pick-up line almost. Or when I was on tour for poetry I would get hit on so much.

At a certain point during the night, as Marvin’s his other friend had informed us he had this cool stuff to look at. Everyone went downstairs, but Dick and I and before I knew it I was on top of him making out. And very quickly had to act like we weren’t kissing because my friend Valerie ran up screaming because Marvin has this huge picture of the city we live. We saw it at an art show and were like, “OMG we want it!” But it’s too expensive. Marvin bought the fucking thing! We were shocked!


Within a week, The Dick and I were talking on the phone and planned to go out for drinks. Which never happened because he canceled last minute and within hours of canceling text me that he was “seeing someone.” When I (or most people) read “seeing someone” you take it that they must be dating around, playing the field, etc. I’ve used “seeing someone” in that very context. I told him I was fine with this and made it clear what I thought “seeing someone” means. He felt really bad for bailing on me so he took me out to a really nice dinner, coffee and we watched movies at my place afterward.

He was really wonderful when we spent time together those few weeks. Our humor bounced off each other well, he was a smart guy and we had really great chemistry.


On Black Out Wednesday, my friends and I went out to a local bar that starts with a J. Locals tend to gather here (he was a local) which lead to this bar or this particular night. A bunch of my friends were out with us as well. I met a bunch of his friends that night as well.

I was standing near with my friend Valerie enjoying my drink and chatting. Next I heard a buddy of his said, “where’s your girlfriend dude?”

I should have put the pieces together. Connected the dots when he stayed over at my place and then would stop over at his friends house. Should have listened closer when he said, “seeing someone.”

**You would think after being cheated on twice I would see the red flags more quickly.

He came over to my house that night and we had a very long talk. Yes, he had a girlfriend. Yes, he understands “seeing someone” is misleading. Yes, he really liked spending time with me and thought I was amazing.

Yes, he’s done this before. In college, he had made out with two other girls but with me was the farthest he’d taken things with something (I mean we were practically dating). Yes, he almost thought about breaking it off with her and yes a part of me wanted him to.

But I made this a lot easier, I told him we couldn’t even be friends anymore. And that he should tell her what happened because you can’t keep lies like that to someone you love and lies like those have a way of getting out in the end. He started crying because he said he loved her and didn’t mean for this, he didn’t want to tell her. He said he wasn’t going to go out anymore.

I’m sure he apologized for all this, but I don’t remember that. I do remember being very honest with him. Which is something I’ve lacked in past dating experiences, so I was very blunt with him that he hurt me and he’s hurting someone else and I’ve been on the other side of cheating and it’s even worse. And that if he loves her he should tell her the truth. I told him I never wanted to see him again because I liked him too much and couldn’t torture myself like that.

He left his jacket in my room and called me 10 minutes after he had just left my house. I put the jacket on the porch and before he made it up to my porch I went back to my room and cried. I slept most of the day.

Later that day (after some very quick googling) I found his wedding registry. 2016 or 2015 was when they planned to get married. It makes me wonder if anything he said to me was true. Or exactly what was true.

I avoided this bar ( the J bar was always at when I was seeing him) for months and another part of me wanted to show up at the bar. To see if he really hadn’t gone out anymore. Also, to walk around looking good. A reminder that I’m worth something more. (I never saw him there).


This past December I went back to that bar, a year later and he wasn’t there. I haven’t seen since that morning he left my house.

I don’t think I was that upset it didn’t work out between us. I think I cried more about the fact that he went back to her because he loved her. It made me think about my Ex when he cheated on me. He didn’t come back to me, he fell in love and started a new relationship without even telling me.  He didn’t come back to me and he left me before I knew I was left.

“I did not know him, I knew my idea
of him.” ― Sharon Olds

Virgin Blow Job

Never do you imagine the “picture perfect” to happen: lying down with someone (who you went out of your way to see) in a corn field, by a tree, looking up at the stars, because they’re so clear in the Midwest, unlike in my hometown. You’re lying down on a blanket with a handsome guy cuddling  you and as you fool around he says” yeah it’s not like were getting married or anything so this is fine.”

Caillum is a virgin and I’m sure he still is (hence the present tense of this sentence) but I’m also sure he’s back with his girlfriend. He’s religious (church going) and I mean clearly he’s very religious (saving himself) He’s tall and has a red beard.

At the time, Caillum seemed to really like me. He was sweet, caring and said the nicest things about me.This was everything I thought I was looking for in someone, minus a few traits, but I was ok with the differences.

I was visiting my hometown when we started talking. He was living a state over from where I was going to school (but he was from the town where I was going to school) We Skyped when I was across the country and fell asleep via Skype more times than I can count.

When I got back to my school he wanted me to drive over and visit him and on two occasions I almost did. I mean I felt like I could trust this guy because I did know my best friends had known him since they were little kids in school but still…I was driving a long distance and it sounded more comforting to bring someone with me just in case. But I never went. Something in my gut told me not too, plus I didn’t have much cash at the time to be making trips like that and he was working so I wouldn’t even of had that much time to spend with him.

A few months later he told me he was moving about 45 minutes from where I lived. We were both excited. So the night he got into town I drove over to see him. It was 1AM and I almost didn’t go but decided to anyways. When I pulled into town it was extremely foggy and I got lost for 30minutes, plus he had fallen asleep and I almost turned back around until he picked up at the last minute.

I picked him up and we drove out to a corn field. We laid down together and it didn’t feel right. You know that feeling when you try on a pair of shoes and they’re too tight? That was the feeling. He was so handsome and had this wonderful smile and this perfect body, but it didn’t feel right. The kissing was ok, but it wasn’t anything to write home on:

I don’t believe first kisses are amazing, they are always a bit shaky, but we’re talking a few seconds tops and then it moves on. But most of the time you’re not thinking about the shake, you’re thinking about his hands, the heat or the energy coming off his body. But bad kissing you’re thinking about the tongue, why is it so wet and why is my face moist?

I didn’t fit into Caillum’s arms like a missing piece. It was awkward and stiff and he wasn’t soft. He was a virgin but I guess giving someone a blow job doesn’t count (it so fucking does) I’m sorry if there’s big white pearly gates and he shows up there in the afterlife I’m going to slap him and say, “you jerk I sucked your dick, same difference!”

But I went down on him nonetheless and he gave me nothing but bad fingering and awkward touching. Also, we went into dry humping and I was thinking to myself, “ok, I haven’t done this since Freshmen year of high school, what the fuck?! Really? No, I don’t do dry humping…I just have sex at this point.”

Again, for him there was no desire to be soft.  

When he told me “its not like we’re getting married” it wasn’t that I had been dreaming of marrying him or anything close to that. It’s just that when someone makes a statement like that you really feel like a chew toy. I was a girl to enjoy sin with because I was sinful. I was quick pleasure and then one day he would find another girl to call sweet, to call Girlfriend and he would take her inside his house, have her meet his friends and family. I was just something to fuck with until the real deal came along. That’s how I felt and that’s how I had been feeling with the past few guys. I was a good time. Not the girl you want to hold all night long, or call beautiful. I felt like such a piece of meat and I thought about all the looks, all the moans when I took my clothes off, when someone grabbed my hips and flipped me over in position.

I was walking entertainment and I felt so shitty.

I would spend one more night with Caillum, because I was lonely and he Facebooked me out of the blue to join in him the corn field again and pretend it’s romantic and ignore the fact that I’m just a warm body.

I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind and took my shirt off and pretended to enjoy his arms grasping at me.


Rollin’ Off My Bed


The night my friend (and future roommate) broke up with her girlfriend we had all planned on going out downtown for the night of dancing and drinking. My friend came over upset and curled up in my bed. I was putting on make-up, my hair was looking nice for once and I had on this very cute but very casual  outfit. Which, if you’re a woman is the grand prize of going out. The “hot outfit, but I look like I did nothing.” She decided not to go out with me and my friend Tina.

Bad idea #1: Not having my friend there to watch Tina and I. Not only did Tina and I not drive downtown (got rides with current roommates) but we were drinking and dancing like sex beasts.

At one of my favorite Midwestern bars (which is sadly closed down) Tina and I were on the dance floor when this cute, tall guy kind of came up to me and seemed to want to dance, but little old awkward me danced the other way. This prompted Tina of course to tell me, “dude he likes you.”

“Wait, he wants to dance with me?”

“Yes.” And as Tina says yes to me she simultaneously pushed me at him.

I literally fall into his arms. Thank God he caught me. 10 songs later, 6 pretty heavy make out session on the dance floor later and ending up on a college twitter make out page he asks if I want to go back to his place. I say, “yeah.” Trying not think about the fact that it’s my last day of my period. So in my head I’m like “fuck, FUCK, FUCK!”

I’m not about to have sex on my period, but something inside of me also said not to lose out on this guy. (Stupid) Plus trying to explain drunk at a bar, “I’M MENSTRUATING” is not an attractive conversation. So I say fuck it, I’ll figure it out.

Before we leave the bar he buys a few drinks and my roommates come up and hug me. I’m confused to why they are laughing (I a later they knew him.) Tina checks on me and I find out she’s hooking up with an international guy from Africa.

As I’m standing at the bar with this attractive, tall guy I realize I don’t know his name. He slides his debit card on the bar, I lean over and see the name, Chance. I sneaker a bit, drunk me thinking how fucking clever I must be. Not.

At his place, I walk into a typical college guys house. Maybe four or so guys live there. There must have been a party going on before hand but now it was quite. Walking up the stairs into his bedroom we kiss, we undress a bit and I lay out next to him, on top of him, tangled in him. His room was covered in car posters, AC/DC and running posters.

He asks me, “wait, what’s your name?” We laugh and I tell him. I get a double check on Chance. This rolls into the fact that we both like running, I played soccer, I ride dirt bikes. Which is always my secret hot thing about myself.

I never knew this as a young kid the fact I ride motorcycles would get me laid. Motorcycles upstairs this, “badass” quality to it. Unlike how I eat or try to walk down a flight of stairs. It turned from a hook-up into talking and “wait, you like ______? OMG! Me too!” I was so excited

The last time, I was that excited was when I was dating Peeta. Chance made me excited to be on top of him. He was cute, sexy and goofy too. He also had this quality in his voice talking to me and this look in his eyes that said, “Wow, how lucky I am I found you.”

We spent the whole night talking, maybe slept an hour or two. The next day after a rainy night his car got humorously stuck in the mud and he had to bother his roommates car to drop me off.

I walked into my house so excited for this new guy. I walked up stairs and as I open my door to my bedroom I see my friend in my bed and then I see another head in my bed. My guy friend and her guy friend, but I guess more than a friend now. So I grabbed a towel and took a shower. Came back they were dressing and he took off. I laughed at her and she was like, “where is Tina!?” I was like, “oh thanks about worrying where I’ve been all night!”

“Oh, you can handle yourself!”

The next night (my period was over) I went over to his place and we had sex.

I don’t remember the sex being earth shattering. It wasn’t raining outside his window on this night and I only remember little pieces of his body and mine together.

I think when someone really disappoints you and breaks your heart, your mind really starts to actively get rid of happy memories. Like when you throw away old photos. So I don’t remember much of the happy times with Chance. I never wanted to and in my other blog, I was much mean about Chance. He was an asshole, he’s still an asshole, like much of my dating pool. But I’ve been foolish to act like all these guys didn’t give me something. They did make me smile at one point.

Also, it’s a bit too painful to remember the good parts. It makes me miss things. Not the person, but the feelings. Good memories make me miss love, then I miss relationships and then being single gets that much harder.

And I don’t need those feelings attacking me every day. So it’s easier to not remember.

But for a moment I will say: He was a nice guy when we dated. We had sex two-three times a day for three months. Oh, believe me this is no joke. We had a lot of sex and it only got better and kinkier over the three months. We watched Tv shows together and we ate pizza in bed, which is every girl dreams (to eat in bed)

But after three months, I wanted more. I wanted to know I was his girlfriend. Chance was leaving for a week for spring break. I stayed the night at his house. We didn’t have sex, there was a distance I didn’t want to talk about and a lingering conversation I didn’t want remember. I dropped him off for his trip. We kissed and he said, “see you in a week.”

Pulling up to my house the song, “Daylight” by Maroon 5 came on and I knew that was the last night I would spend with Chance and I didn’t cry.

How cheesy do I sound?

That goodbye was the last time we ever spoke. The last time I would really see him. Of course, I saw him at parties and downtown, but that would be it. We would cross paths at parties like we had never met.

So now that he’s an asshole I’m going to tell the most embarrassing story about him. The title of this post will all make sense now.

One night after going out Chance had a little bit too much to drink. Besides casting himself into the cast of How I Met Your Mother, he was Lily and I was Marshall. (Mess) He was pregnant (like how Lily becomes) and he told me not to tell anyone because the producers don’t want anyone to find out about this story line yet. (Mess)

Next, we tried (tried is key here) to have sex. It was going pretty well, but the mistake was made in changing sex positions. Doggy Style must have been a bit too much combination for Chance drunk because he fell off my bed and rammed into my desk, well more like bounced off my desk. I never knew one could bounce off a desk.



He was the guy I fell into at a bar and he caught me.

Now he’s just the guy who fell off my bed.

I was just his rebound from a serious relationship and it hurt how he would end things (actually he never really did) He just stopped talking to me and acted like he didn’t know me.

As much as it hurt and made upset how he left things, I’m grateful it didn’t work out, because who wants to be with someone that can easily forget about all the sex, all the I want you in my life talks. Who wants to be with a guy that will pretend he doesn’t know you when it’s all over.