My brother came across me hanging out in the kitchen at 2AM. I made me him jump and yell a little when he saw me standing by the fridge pouring apple juice, eating a bowl of sharp cheddar in my purple underwear.
“Sister! You’re a mess!”
I dislike the month of January, it’s always such a funky month for me. My writing has been crap, I’ve only submitted to four journals and I can barely hammer out a new poem or clean up an old one. (This happened last January too). Or actually February, but like a period playing a trick on you my bad writing month came earlier.
Sometimes I just feel like such a shitty writer (I can’t even criticize myself in a more structured, fluent sentence) just “shitty” and I just don’t know how on earth I’m going to get into an MFA program. I mean I’m not the kind of person great things happen to. I don’t win all the prizes, awards, I don’t have schools knocking down my door looking for me.
I really hate my job right now. Or I really hate my boss, a wishy-washy, unorganized person who thinks their an educator when really they’re only into it if it’s making the money. My hours have been cut a bit and I feel like my boss is mad at me, for whatever reason I will never know or understand. But I don’t want to teach how they are. All those damn worksheets, that’s not teaching, that’s a cop out. My job has exhausted me to the point I cringe going into work, I’ve given up a bit of work. But I’m putting through, making what I can and then looking around for other jobs. I think I may just stick around here until summer. With my friends wedding and a few speech alumni functions happening I rather work somewhere a bit more flexible work schedule.
I was telling my mom everything that’s been going on at work. She’s been a bit upset to hear how down it’s making me. Especially because she knows I don’t get like this unless I’m really beaten down. How they demand such a high standard of their teachers, yet here I am working at night and I ask where my bosses kid is and they’ve gone on a trip. (Thanks for telling me ahead of time). Also, they’re a bit over religious for my taste. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind anyone’s religion but when it starts leak into one’s workplace I’m not such a fan. One time I was sitting in with my boss and another teacher discussing a student and my boss goes goes, “well he’s a freshman dating a senior and I think this senior girl is very promiscuous.”
I’m thinking, “well shit what would you label me if you knew all the weird sex shit I’ve done.” If dating someone, like what senior to a freshman, that’s like maybe three to four years apart? Damn if my boss thinks that’s bad…
So lately I’ve taken to crying in the cry without feeling it coming. Like today, I tried to run a one of my poems as I was driving to work and I just started crying. On the way home three nights ago I just started crying.
It’s a mixer of many things:
- Knowing my period is next week
- I’ve been fighting this cold (my ears keep popping)
- I’m really unhappy with work
- Writing has been terrible (the month of rejection)
- I’ve been stressing about money.
- I haven’t had sex in a year and two months. (this is a thing…getting pounded really calms me down).
- The ever looming MFA applications are a little knife in my side
- Still adjusting to not having my friends around. I have friends here, but I don’t tell them much about my bad days.
- That new super bowl commercial Budweiser has with the puppies is making me cry
- After a month of watching my Grandmother very slowly waste away, I think it’s all about over.
- My face has been breaking out like I’m sixteen years old again.
- And I’ve never felt more terrible about my body than I do this month.
Ok, I got that all out.
I really hate crying sometimes and I hate when I get like this. I feel like I shouldn’t get like this anymore. I’m an adult and adults hold themselves together. I call these last few years the crying years and I blame speech and debate for that. From the ages of 8-18, I wasn’t a crier. I played sports and I took crying as a weakness, a way for the other team to learn your weakness. Also, I’ve always had a very high pain tolerance.
Expect anal, that’s just the most uncomfortable feeling ever and I’m good. Been there, tried that. not for me.
Now that I have all that negative bullshit out of my way I’m going to list the good things about this month, even though I still feel a bit shitty. But that’s ok to feel shitty, right? I think there’s a book that teaches this very lesson…umm its called, “Everybody poops.”
Shit that was good about January:
- I wrote this fucking awesome poem about male rape for my friend speech. I guess people are really digging it and I just sent out to a journal. One of the few poems I sent around to my good friends to workshop and they didn’t have any edits. I was like Woah guys, you all always have grammar suggestions.
- The sky was beautiful yesterday
- My mom took me out to lunch. She knows what makes me feel better (Pizza and clam chowder).
- I’ve been a reading machine (more time for reading)
- I have icy hot again….mmmm icy hot is so good
- My room is almost done (I know took me forever) Just need to hang up a few things.
- Spent a lot of time with my best friend Tammy (went hiking).
- I’ve been posting a lot to this blog, which is nice. I normally don’t write this much for my blogs.
- Two of my students drew pictures for me (nice kids).
- I’m getting back into my submission groove, whether I like it or not!
- Also, I’m glad its 2015. I don’t think I could have lasted another month in 2014 because I kept saying 2004 so often I felt like I may have been slowly going back in time.
- The cheddar cheese this month was awesome
So it’s 3AM
I’m going back to the sharp cheddar